Is it just me, or when someone begins a conversation with “No offense” it usually means they intend to offend you.  Well, maybe they don’t actually intend to, but it seems to have the same effect.

I’m a pretty laid back kind of gal.  I’m the first one to recognize my faults, and I’m usually the one laughing loudest at myself, too.  I don’t think I’m overly sensitive, but I suppose that’s just what somebody who is overly sensitive would say.  (Although, it would probably sound more like, “What do you mean I’m overly sensitive?  I’m not overly sensitive.  I can’t believe you would say such a thing!”, followed by uncontrollable sobbing or a penetrating stink eye.)  Still, I think beginning a conversation with the disclaimer of “No offense” actually has the opposite of the desired effect.

For example,  “Would you like a tic tac?” is a perfectly innocuous question.  Just a friendly offer to share one’s breathmints out of the kindness of one’s heart.  But say, “No offense, but would you like a tic tac?” takes on a whole other meaning entirely.  Suddenly, a kind gesture becomes an attack on one’s oral hygiene.  “Please, I beg of you, take this one and a half calorie’s worth of freshness and put me out of my misery.”

Or let’s say you’re at the movies, and the lovely woman sitting behind you asks, “Would you mind just moving your head a tiny bit to the right?”  Why, of course, they didn’t do a very good job placing these theater seats for optimal patronage viewing, did they?–happy to oblige.  But then, “No offense–would you mind moving your head a tiny bit to the right?” sounds more like “Could you please get that professional-sized basketball that is your big, fat noggin out of my way?”

Sometimes, it’s not so much that the meaning of the words seem to change in an ”offensive” way, but that whatever follows the original disclaimer is so trifling that you’re offended by the idea that someone could think it possible you’d be offended in the first place.  I most often fall into this category. 

Recently, my neighbor (who also happens to be Goose’s BFF’s mother) came to my door all atwittered about something.  She kind of hemmed and hawed until she finally began, “I don’t want to offend you or anything, but could you please tell Goose to stop calling our house?  She’s called about eight times, so we stopped answering the phone, and now she’s leaving messages on our answering machine.”  I was somewhat embarrassed that my child was being such a pest, but other than that, no skin off my nose.  I’ll just tell her to stop.  What’s the big deal?  Why would I be offended again?  Am I not capable of recognizing that my child is not always the perfect little angel?  Am I not usually the first one to try to correct any misbehavior?  What kind of mother do you think I am?!

So, if you truly mean no offense, then just don’t say it.  That’s all I’m saying. 

What does it take to offend you?