Two say whats? and an I wish!

In the car.

Mr. T, pointing at two side by side covered spare tires:  Look, that RV has a butt!

DynaGirl:  Or chipmunk cheeks.

Mr. T:  But they’re on the back.  Why would chipmunk cheeks be on the back?

DynaGirl:  Well, I don’t know.

Wait, chipmunks don’t have cheeks on the back?

---

On the way up to bed.

Goose:  I hate being me.

Mom:  What do you mean?

Goose:  I don’t want to be me.

Mom:  Why?

BigHugs, patting Goose’s back:  It’s OK about you.

Goose:  I want to be smart.

Mom:  You are smart.

Goose:  I want to be so smart I don’t have to go to school.  I want to know everything already.

Huh—I thought you did.

---

Bath time again.

DynaGirl:  My legs are so dry sometimes they hurt.

Mom:  That’s why we have to put cream on them everyday.

DynaGirl:  I hate cream.

Mom:  Well, how else are we going to make your legs be not dry?

DynaGirl:  You could use your magical powers of momness.

You have no idea how many times I’ve wished that were true.

Charming personalities: are you a taco or a burrito?

For my Cinco de Mayo party last year, I picked up some $1 plastic margarita cups in bright, festive colors to use for the virgin margaritas and strawberry daiquiris we served that night.  The cups did triple duty as they were also party favors for the guests and vehicles for my charming personalities game.

I downloaded some fiesta-ish clipart, cut them out and laminated them (to make them margarita-proof) and put them on a wire ring to loop around the stem of the cup.  Each of the guests were asked to pick out a cup with the drink marker charm of his or her choice, and then over dinner I read the following personality descriptions based on the picture they chose:

burrito:  You are completely wrapped up in yourself, and you’re full of beans.

sombrero:  Your looming presence casts a shadow wherever you go.  People tend to dance around you.

sun:  You’re always eager to shed some light on any given subject.  Be careful, or your more sensitive colleagues will get burned.

cactus:  You project a “Stay back!” attitude, but those who make it through your prickly defenses find you sweetly refreshing.

salsa:  When the chips are down, you like to spice things up.  Careful not to overdo it—not everyone can stomach your enthusiasm.

salsa w/chips:  You are always ready to compliment your friends, but heaping on too many insincere remarks may bring them to the breaking point.

chile peppers:  Your sweet, peppy nature is difficult for some to digest, but your true friends can’t get enough of you.

tortilla chips:  You play the supporting role to many spicier personalities, but too much pressure often leaves you feeling crummy.

tomatoes:  Is it toMAYto or toMAHto?  You are deceptively mysterious, but those who dig deeper may be disappointed to find nothing more than a fland, thin-skinned fruit.

taco:  You are open to taking on new challenges, but tend to crack under the pressure.

I must give credit to my younger sister for providing the descriptions.  She also threw in this one for good measure:

pinata:  Everyone is happy to see you, but happier still when your guts are strewn out across the floor.  People only like you when they’re getting something out of it.

All of my guests got a good laugh out of it, and were really good sports considering a lot of these are a tad on the negative side.  The funniest part came at the end of the readings when one of the guys in our group said, “Yeah, those all pretty much fit.”  What?!

So next time you’re having a gathering of friends or family, try making your own charming personality drink markers.  You don’t have to be using stemmed glasses—just print them out on sticker sheets or even regular paper and then stick them on a big plastic tumbler with a protective layer of clear tape.  If you’re having a theme party, pick objects along that theme or just pick a set of things from your group’s shared interests or maybe some inside jokes.  And if you’re having trouble coming up with the descriptions, just throw it out there to all your blogosphere friends—we’d be happy to lend a hand.

Talk to me:  Which one of these charming personalities best describe you?  Or can you come up with your own descriptions to go with these fiesta items?

 

 

Holy guacamole!

I had originally thought it would be fun to post about throwing a Cinco de Mayo party.  I hosted one last year for a group of friends and it was really a lot of fun.  But I figured the post would be much improved with visuals of the decorations I planned to give instructions for or recipes I made or games we played and I’m very sorry to say that I am just too lazy for that much work.  This is a non-profiting blog, people, and I’m just not ready to put forth that kind of effort yet.  With that in mind, plus the fact that my appreciation for this holiday really only goes as far as I really like Mexican food and the movie The Three Amigos, I decided perhaps I should not pretend to be the authority on Cinco de Mayo festivities.

If anyone is interested in learning how to make tissue paper Mexican flowers or a guess who concentration game made up of Latina celebrity body parts or delicioso virgin margaritas or fiesta-themed personality test drink marker charms (hmmm…I might just have to post this one), please feel free to contact me and I’ll hook you up. 

In the meantime, here is a recipe for guacamole that is muy fantastico:

2 ripe large avocados (or 3 medium or 4 small)

3T diced white onion (about one half of a small-mediumish onion or one quarter of a largish one)

4T diced Roma tomatoes (about one good-sized Roma—some people like to seed and de-pulp theirs, but I don’t bother)

4T cilantro, finely chopped (if you’re not a huge cilantro fan, cut this to 2 or 3—if you hate cilantro, you’re dead to me)

2T jalapeno, finely chopped (about one decent sized jalapeno—I do seed mine first)

juice from 1 lime (I actually only put in half my lime last time I made it—it was extra juicy)

salt to taste

 
Cut up the avocado and mash to desired consistency.  I like to leave mine just a bit on the chunky side.  Chuck in the rest of the ingredients and mix well.  I will also occasionally add a clove of minced garlic.

 

It should look kind of like this. 

If you already have a tried and true favorite guacamole recipe, I won’t guarantee that this one is better.  I will guarantee that this one is pretty dern good, although a lot of what makes a good guac depends on the flavor of the avocados.  Sometimes I get some pretty bland avocados which is most disappointing.  I like to get them when they’re fairly soft to the touch—you should get a dent with a gentle thumb press—but not too mushy or there’s a good chance they’ll already be turning black inside and that’s just depressing, especially considering how much I have to pay for avocados in my neck of the woods.

If you have a good guacamole recipe or other avocado/guac tips you’d like to share or if you just want to give us your favorite Three Amigos quote, please feel free. 

Coming up this week:  mini chicken chimichangas and maybe those fiesta-themed personality test drink marker charms

Oh, and one more treat for you.

Friday funnies

Chuck cut this out and stuck it up on the fridge.

 

 

What do you think he’s trying to say?

 

Just keep your mouth shut and say thank you

Last week I was at the grocery store with my two-year-old, who passed out midway through.  Normally I would be relieved to have a child sleep through this kind of errand except that my cart was full and I had no place to put her, so consequently I had to hold her and try to navigate my very heavy cart through the aisles one handed.  It was a real pain in the tuckus.

I finally made it to the checkout and started unloading my groceries with BigHugs’ poor head bobbing violently around while I tried to balance her on my shoulder and stoop down to empty my cart.  A nice red-vested manager-type man came up and offered to unload my cart for me.  My first inclination was to turn him down, not because I’m the kind of person who hates the possibility of putting someone out even when they’re offering (although I am) and not because I’m so independent that I’m offended by someone’s offer to help (because I’m not)—I was just afraid that he would do it wrong.

I have a particular grocery cart unloading procedure that must be strictly adhered to at all times.  First, all the heavy stuff like canned goods, juice pouch boxes, bottled juices, etc.  Then boxed items like cereal and crackers.  Then refrigerated beverages like milk and juice.  Then frozen foods.  Then refrigerated foods.  Then produce.  Then eggs.  And lastly, bread.

See, this way all the heavy stuff is at the bottom so it doesn’t smushify my produce, eggs and bread.  And putting all the refrigerated stuff together and next to the frozen foods helps keep everything cold and makes unloading the grocery bags that much easier when I get home.  Sometimes I make a grocery store run right before another appointment, which often gives me just a few minutes to drop off the groceries at my house on the way.  If all the refrigerated stuff is together, I can just take in those one or two bags and leave the canned goods and other stuff in the trunk to unload when I have more time.  Plus most of the canned and boxed goods go straight to the garage shelves anyway, so what’s the point in dragging them from the garage into the house only to drag them back out to the garage again?

This kind of grocery organization just seems like common sense to me.  I’m completely amazed when someone in the checkout line with me will unload their cart all willy-nilly.  Cans of cat food with the tomatoes?  Really?  Bread first?  What?  And I’m completely irkified if the checker ignores my deliberate placement of goods and goes out of her way to disrupt the order.  One woman reached over my boxes of pasta, past my triscuits and actually grabbed my yogurt so she could stick it in the bag with my canned beans.  There was a reason why the yogurt was next to the cheese and butter, lady.  I did it on purpose!  Didn’t you see the protective barrier of boxed goods between my heavy canned and delicate chilled items?!

I once had a checker who not only recognized, but praised the system.  That was somewhat gratifying.  Someone got me.

I did finally relent and allow this man his good deed.  Of course he did it all wrong—eggs first, produce and refrigerated items spread all over the place with canned goods randomly interspersed, and my bread smack dab in the middle of it all.  Sigh.  But I just kept my mouth shut and said thank you.  Sorting through the aftermath and eating trapezoidally shaped sandwiches was worth it.  After all, there was no way I could have unloaded that cart all by myself in a timely manner and the man was really so very kind about it.

Have you ever had to hold your tongue when someone “helped” you?  And more importantly, do you have a grocery unloading system?

Goose waxes philosophical. Or something.

Getting ready for bed.

Goose: Where did the first babies come from?

Mom: Like the first babies on earth? Ever?

Goose: Yeah.

Mom: From Adam and Eve, I guess.

Goose: Where were Adam and Eve borned from?

Mom: Well, they weren’t really born, I don’t think. God just put them on the earth already grown up.

Goose: Where did God come from?

Mom: From another God?

Goose: Where did he come from?

Mom: You mean where did the first person who ever existed come from? I have no idea.

Did I think about this stuff when I was six?

---

Over lunch.

Goose:  I wish we were dogs.

Mom:  What?

Goose:  Dogs.  I could be your puppy.

Mom:  Who would be our master?  Who would take care of us?

Goose:  People like us.

Mom:  But if you were a dog you wouldn’t be able to read or write or draw pictures or do gymnastics.

Goose:  Well then I wish we were dogs that could do all the things people can do.

Mom:  But if you want to do all the same things people do, why not just be a person?

Goose:  Because dogs are cuter.

That’s as good a reason as any, I suppose.

---

In her bedroom.

Mom:  Goose, this room is getting out of control.  You need to clean this up.

Goose, in her best pout:  But I suck at cleaning.

Mom:  No you don’t.  Remember a couple weeks ago when you cleaned your whole entire room all by yourself?  You did an awesome job.

Goose, almost genuinely sad now:  But I’m just so lazy now.

Sigh.  There can never be any doubt she’s her mother’s daughter.

Can you feel the love?

On a bad day.

bythelbs:  I’m going to go run a couple errands.  Hopefully by the time I get back I’ll be in a better mood.

Chuck:  Take all the time you need.

I let that one go.

---

Another bad day.

Mom, pulling out hair and screaming in exaggerated exasperation:  Argh!  BigHugs, you’re driving me crazy!

BigHugs, giggling:  You’re funny, Mom.

That smile saves her every time. And me.

---

At tuck-in time.

DynaGirl:  Thanks for giving me birth.  You’re the best mom in the whole entire world and I’ll always love you no matter what.

Mom, making goofy face:  Are you sure?

DynaGirl:  Yes, even when you do embarrassing things, I’ll still love you deep down.  Very, very, very, very, deep, deep down.

I love you too, sweetheart.

---

After school.

Mom:  Don’t forget you have piano today, so you should try to fit in one more practice.

Mr. T, heavily sighing:  O-kay.

Mom:  Don’t you enjoy learning to play piano?

Mr. T:  I suppose someday I’ll appreciate it.

That’s all I ask.

And the winners are…

I know all three of you are just tingling with anticipation, so here goes…

Third place goes to Cheryl for:  spanked hubby

How did I miss this post?

Second place goes to Jodi for:  how big is a llama’s penis

Who wants to know?!  Go visit Jodi here to see more of the kind of wackiness that’s bringing people to her site.  I think she actually saved her best for her own post.  At first I considered deducting points for selfishness, but who among us wouldn’t have done the same thing?  If you haven’t been over to Jodi’s site before, check it out.

And first place to Madhousewife for:  haul used pantyhose

I didn’t actually laugh my buttock off, but I’m delightfully intrigued for the same reasons Mad gave.  Plus, I couldn’t really make up my mind (I also quite enjoyed “mein comfy chair hitler” and “potty training donkeys”), so I threw all the entries into a “hat” and this is the one I pulled out.  Congrats Mad!

Now, as for the promised fabulous prize, in the interest of full disclosure I did not actually know what the fabulous prize would be when I first offered the incentive.  I did a search for “fabulous prize” to see if it sparked any ideas—all I found was a bunch of random blogs of people giving away random (often unspecified) prizes, one of which was a handsewn sock monkey.  A genuine handsewn sock monkey?  How can I possibly compete with that?!  I cannot. 

So you’ll have to settle for a genuine DVD copy of one of these fine films recorded off my DVR:

From the recent The Complete Jane Austen series:

Persuasion, Northanger Abbey, Miss Austen Regrets, Mansfield Park, Emma or Sense and Sensibility

Sorry, I do not have Pride & Prejudice as I already own that on DVD.  These are all good (well, Mansfield Park was kind of eh), but I highly recommend Sense and Sensibility—in my opinion, it’s superior to the Emma Thompson version.

Also from Masterpiece:

A Room With a View

My Boy Jack (This one stars Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe as John “Jack” Kipling, son of Rudyard Kipling and is about his service in WWI.  I haven’t actually watched it yet.  It sounds good, but depressing.)

If Masterpiece Theater isn’t your thing, I also recently recorded Step Into Liquid, a really fun surfing documentary.  I can’t say that I’m particularly into surfing, but I found this a delightful and fascinating way to kill 90 minutes.

To collect your prize, e-mail me at bythelbs at yahoo dot com with your address and DVD selection.  I’ll also throw in some other bonus surprise(s), so you can still hold out hope for something fun and exciting (I can tell you right now there will be no handsewn sock monkeys—just put the sock monkey out of your minds, people) if you’re disappointed by the DVD offering. 

Speaking of sock monkeys…

old school sock monkey

 

pity the fool sock monkey

 

Chewy sock monkey (where’s the sock?)

 

And last, but most certainly not least…

sock monkey dress?

 

 

 

Oh hair! Beware! or Woes of an enabling mother

So my 2 year old, BigHugs, has issues.  I know, a child of Bythelbs has issues?—shocking!  Everybody has their little quirks—likes and dislikes, routines and rituals, fears and phobias—and BigHugs is no different.  She has a fear of hair, or rather a particular kind of hair.  The kind of hair that is no longer affixed to its natural place of origin.  The stray hair.

Now, I realize that this is not an uncommon aversion.  I can’t say that I know anyone who delights in the discovery of loose hairs in random places, but BigHugs’s fear is rather irrational—it’s like she believes the hair actually intends to do her harm.  She’ll find one and stop dead in her tracks and call out for help.  The first time this happened was really quite alarming.  I was downstairs in the kitchen, I think, when I heard her scream.

BigHugs:  Mom!  Mom!  Help!

Mom, calling back while rushing up the stairs:  What’s wrong?  Are you OK?!

I see her just standing in the middle of our playroom, completely petrified.

Mom, examining her:  What happened?  Are you hurt?

BigHugs, wimpering:  There’s a hair.

Mom:  A what?

BigHugs, more desperate now:  A hair.

Mom:  A hair?  Where?

BigHugs, in a panic:  There’s a hair on my puzzle!

Indeed there is a hair.  I pull it off.

BigHugs, with a huge sigh of relief:  Thanks, Mom.

I thought it was kind of funny and shrugged it off with a laugh.  But it wasn’t a one or two or even three time occurrence—it’s like everyday, several times a day.  She finds one on her clothes and you’d think she had a spider crawling up her arm.  She finds one on the floor and she can barely work up the courage to walk past it, and when she finally does she gives it a wide berth.  She finds one on a toy and she’s near tears.  She finds one on her plate…OK, I’m totally with her on that one.

I spend a good portion of my day rescuing my toddler from perilous hair-related situations.  I do sweep and vacuum, but there are six people living in our home, four of whom are female, all with long hair that has a propensity for shedding.  One hundred percent effective prophylacticism is just not possible.  The other day she brought me a koosh ball.  Fortheluvva…I told her to just forget about the koosh ball.  I could spend the rest of my natural days dehairifying a koosh!

I suppose I’m willing to make the sacrifice to secure the emotional well-being of my baby, but I’m becoming a little concerned about our physical well-being and that of those around us.  Last week we were driving in the car when she worked herself up into a tizzy.  “A hair, Mom,” she cried.  “A hair!”  She sits right behind me, so I reached back and frantically began blindly rubbing up and down her leg and seat.  Luckily I happened to catch it on one of my passes, but I’m not sure how long I could have gone on driving with the one hand while trying to fend off evil hairs with the other, all the while trying to concentrate on the road with my toddler in full panic-attack mode behind me.  What if we’d been in an accident?  How would I explain myself?  Would the officer really be willing to fill out the report with ”Cause of accident:  a hair”?  Is that covered by my insurance?

Yesterday there was a ray of hope—BigHugs spotted a hair on her sleeve and cried out for help.  Tired and spent, I replied, “Just pull if off then.”  And she did.

 

A cheesy clips post…with a twist

Don’t you hate it when you’re all psyched up for a new episode of your favorite sitcom, only to realize two minutes into it that it’s not really new, it’s just a cheesy clips show?  Sure, there may be some kind of thrown together lame excuse for a plot, but it’s only there to try to distract you from the fact that the writers are either A) so full of themselves they need an entire episode devoted to reliving their past glories  B) totally washed up and out of brilliant or even passable ideas or C) lazy.  Personally, I would go with C because that would be my excuse.

Actually, that is my excuse.  For this post.  See, this isn’t really a post about sitcoms or writers or writers block or even laziness—well, maybe laziness—it’s essentially a cheesy clips post.  But a cheesy clips post born out of a genuine fascination with my “blog stats search terms” page.  I am somewhat amazed and amused by what brings people to By the lbs.  I wonder about what they were truly looking for when they typed in those fatal search terms that led them here and also what they thought once they arrived.

So here’s my list of top 10 favorite search terms along with links to the posts I think they led to:

10.  key excerpts from heston’s ten commandments—I surely hope I did not offend this person as I’m assuming from the phrase “key excerpts” they take the late Mr. Heston’s “Ten Commandments” quite seriously.

9.  how to build a replica of the grand coulee dam—Sorry, dude.  I know, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the Grand Coulee Dam.  I believe this post also suckered in the person searching for “archaeologist detective.”  They grand coulee dam well better not be working on a novel—that’s my idea.

8.  how many carbs do wintergreen tic tacs have—Actually, I suppose they could have been sent here as well.  Do you think wintergreen tic tacs have a different number of carbs than other varieties?  At least they weren’t doing a search for spearmint tic tacs.  I wouldn’t care if spearmint tic tacs had a weight-loss inducing negative carb count, I still couldn’t choke them down.  *shudder*

7.  bladder of steel—For more potty related hijinx and hilarity, you should head over here.

6.  teeth dentist—As opposed to a toenail dentist?

5.  arm broken goose—There’s actually another one that popped up on my list for “goose breaking arm.”  You would think they would most likely be from the same person except they appeared on my list several days apart.  Is there more than one person out there that needs this kind of information or is it just one person who after not finding what he was looking for with the first set of search terms decided to try again with a different variation only to end up back here again?  That must have been frustrating.  I’ve been there, buddy—I feel your pain.

4.  “ever stuffed his pants” blows it—I thought for a moment this actually could have been me until I realized that this would have only led to my website after I had written the post that I would have done this kind of research for.  Unless it was a past me who had travelled into the future totally bypassing the time in which I had written this post so therefore would have had no memory of it.  Time travel trips me out.

3.  i need to assert myself—Well, unassertive person, maybe you should start by using a capital “I”.  Come on, show a little confidence!  You can’t assert yourself if you think you’re all small like that.  By the way, if the post was unpleasant for you, just keep it to yourself—you’re not part of my party anyway.

2.  kraft sucks—See, I’m not alone!  I wish I knew who this person was so I could contact them about starting an anti-kraft movement.  Well, maybe not an anti-kraft movement, but at least an anti-kraft salad dressings movement.  (I realized the other day that I use an awful lot of other kraft products and I’m just too unprincipled to give them up completely.)  I think I may actually have madhousewife to thank for the “kraft sucks” line.

1.  dishophobia—Yes!  This is by far the most validating of all.  More proof that I am not alone—screw Fred—someone else out there is suffering from my plight!  Is that you, Plasticware Man’s Wife?  I’m here for you!

So, all you fellow bloggers, what are some of your best “search term” stories? 

Oooh, and here’s the twist: 

Leave a comment with your story about either crazy search terms that led to your blog or a search you initiated with completely innocent search terms that boldly took you where you had never gone (or wanted to go) before.  You have until Sunday night 10 pm PDST, and then I will choose a winner (randomly unless someone makes me laugh my buttock off) to receive a “fabulous prize”.  The winner (or winners in the event that more than one person makes me laugh my buttock off, in which case I will regrettably be completely buttockless) will be announced on Monday.