Don’t you hate it when you’re all psyched up for a new episode of your favorite sitcom, only to realize two minutes into it that it’s not really new, it’s just a cheesy clips show?  Sure, there may be some kind of thrown together lame excuse for a plot, but it’s only there to try to distract you from the fact that the writers are either A) so full of themselves they need an entire episode devoted to reliving their past glories  B) totally washed up and out of brilliant or even passable ideas or C) lazy.  Personally, I would go with C because that would be my excuse.

Actually, that is my excuse.  For this post.  See, this isn’t really a post about sitcoms or writers or writers block or even laziness—well, maybe laziness—it’s essentially a cheesy clips post.  But a cheesy clips post born out of a genuine fascination with my “blog stats search terms” page.  I am somewhat amazed and amused by what brings people to By the lbs.  I wonder about what they were truly looking for when they typed in those fatal search terms that led them here and also what they thought once they arrived.

So here’s my list of top 10 favorite search terms along with links to the posts I think they led to:

10.  key excerpts from heston’s ten commandments—I surely hope I did not offend this person as I’m assuming from the phrase “key excerpts” they take the late Mr. Heston’s “Ten Commandments” quite seriously.

9.  how to build a replica of the grand coulee dam—Sorry, dude.  I know, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the Grand Coulee Dam.  I believe this post also suckered in the person searching for “archaeologist detective.”  They grand coulee dam well better not be working on a novel—that’s my idea.

8.  how many carbs do wintergreen tic tacs have—Actually, I suppose they could have been sent here as well.  Do you think wintergreen tic tacs have a different number of carbs than other varieties?  At least they weren’t doing a search for spearmint tic tacs.  I wouldn’t care if spearmint tic tacs had a weight-loss inducing negative carb count, I still couldn’t choke them down.  *shudder*

7.  bladder of steel—For more potty related hijinx and hilarity, you should head over here.

6.  teeth dentist—As opposed to a toenail dentist?

5.  arm broken goose—There’s actually another one that popped up on my list for “goose breaking arm.”  You would think they would most likely be from the same person except they appeared on my list several days apart.  Is there more than one person out there that needs this kind of information or is it just one person who after not finding what he was looking for with the first set of search terms decided to try again with a different variation only to end up back here again?  That must have been frustrating.  I’ve been there, buddy—I feel your pain.

4.  “ever stuffed his pants” blows it—I thought for a moment this actually could have been me until I realized that this would have only led to my website after I had written the post that I would have done this kind of research for.  Unless it was a past me who had travelled into the future totally bypassing the time in which I had written this post so therefore would have had no memory of it.  Time travel trips me out.

3.  i need to assert myself—Well, unassertive person, maybe you should start by using a capital “I”.  Come on, show a little confidence!  You can’t assert yourself if you think you’re all small like that.  By the way, if the post was unpleasant for you, just keep it to yourself—you’re not part of my party anyway.

2.  kraft sucks—See, I’m not alone!  I wish I knew who this person was so I could contact them about starting an anti-kraft movement.  Well, maybe not an anti-kraft movement, but at least an anti-kraft salad dressings movement.  (I realized the other day that I use an awful lot of other kraft products and I’m just too unprincipled to give them up completely.)  I think I may actually have madhousewife to thank for the “kraft sucks” line.

1.  dishophobia—Yes!  This is by far the most validating of all.  More proof that I am not alone—screw Fred—someone else out there is suffering from my plight!  Is that you, Plasticware Man’s Wife?  I’m here for you!

So, all you fellow bloggers, what are some of your best “search term” stories? 

Oooh, and here’s the twist: 

Leave a comment with your story about either crazy search terms that led to your blog or a search you initiated with completely innocent search terms that boldly took you where you had never gone (or wanted to go) before.  You have until Sunday night 10 pm PDST, and then I will choose a winner (randomly unless someone makes me laugh my buttock off) to receive a “fabulous prize”.  The winner (or winners in the event that more than one person makes me laugh my buttock off, in which case I will regrettably be completely buttockless) will be announced on Monday.