Out of nowhere.
DynaGirl: Mom, why do grownups wink at kids? What’s up with the winking?
Me: I don’t know.
DynaGirl: Do you wink at kids?
Me: No, but sometimes I smile. Does the winking bother you?
DynaGirl: No, it’s just I think it’s weird.
I’ve never really thought about it before. What is up with the winking? Are you a winker?
At the risk of sounding like a complete vainiac (you know with the whole hair of awesomeness thing), I had a horrifying revelation tonight. I think my eyebrows are too far apart. And I don’t mean like naturally. I think I’ve gone a little pluck-happy and now I have these freakishly small/short/stubby eyebrows. I saw a picture of myself and something seemed kind of off, and then it hit me: what in the name of all that is good and properly tweezed is up with my eyebrows?!
And I think I remember where it all went wrong. I was doing my usual maintenance when I accidentally plucked in a no pluck zone, but then there was this hole, see, so I had to kind of even things out. And then of course there was the whole issue with the lopsidedness, and so I had to breach the no pluck zone on the other side, too. I figured they would grow back quickly, I mean for crying out loud, every time I turn around I’m facing the eminent threat of unibrow. OK, maybe unibrow is a little dramatic, but I have strong hair regrowth genes or something and there is almost a daily need of plucking at least something at least one time like at least once a day. (I know what you’re thinking, therein lies the problem—she can’t stop with the plucking. But that’s not it, really.)
So I’m thinking that some time between the woopsie-daisy-that’ll-grow-back and the actual growing back I kind of forgot about the whole letting that grow back thing, and I’ve been plucking my poor little eyebrow hairs thinking I was holding the line when really I needed to advance on the line because the line had retreated into the no pluck zone. Are you following me? And now I have freakishly widely spaced eyebrows! And I just noticed, which means I’ve been walking around like this for heaven knows how long and I leave for the big Chuckster family reunion this weekend which is not nearly enough time to accomplish a complete and full regrowth, so I can either pretend like I fully intended to look this way and look like a total freak or I can start the regrowth process anyway and just look like a total freak with these eyebrows that have some serious density issues.
I honestly don’t spend a lot of time obsessing over my appearance. But this eyebrow thing is really starting to freak me out. Everywhere I look, every tv personality or movie character, every random model in a newspaper or magazine are just a pair of eyebrows! Eyebrows that are mocking me with their perfect normality of length and fullness! I’m afraid to go to bed tonight—can you imagine the eyebrow related nightmares?
Don’t even bother bringing up the eyebrow pencil. I know they exist, but I’m just not ready to go there. And you can forget about pictures, too. Don’t even ask.
16 comments
Comments feed for this article
June 26, 2008 at 2:43 am
Alison Wonderland
Oh I’m a big winker. (Which is very different from a wanker for any of you Brits reading this.) I find myself winking at Irish2 even though he’s only 6 months old and there’s no way he has any idea what it means.
What does it mean? Just sort of hi, and I like you and I think you’re cute. The Princess learned to wink back when she was about two. Apparently I’ve always winked a great deal.
June 26, 2008 at 2:49 am
Alison Wonderland
PS I have nothing to help you with your eyebrow dilemma but your (automatically generated) Possibly related posts:
* Out of control
* How to Pluck Your Eyebrows Properly
* Eyebrow Tips- Filling in the Brows
* Fashion Rio Spring Summer 2009 roundup
sound like they might be very helpful. Esp the middle two. (Although they probably make mention of pencils). Good luck with that.
June 26, 2008 at 8:38 am
kamillivanilli
I’ve always found winking a tad bit odd myself. And depending on who’s doing it, it can be downright creepy. Where did it even come from? Off to wikipedia…
June 26, 2008 at 9:03 am
madhousewife
I’m not a winker. I’m not even a smiler. Usually I just bare my teeth at kids, and they get the message…loud and clear. Just kidding. Actually, if I’m going to make non-verbal contact with a child, I will probably waggle my eyebrows at them. Because up until now I have not been self-conscious about my eyebrows. But now I feel the need to go examine them.
I am not as conscientious about eyebrow plucking as I’d like to be. I know what you mean about the fast-growing eyebrow hairs, though. That’s probably why I’m lazy–why pluck when they just grow back? Why brush my teeth when I’m just going to eat again? You know how it is. Oh, wait.
June 26, 2008 at 11:37 am
Jumbo Shrimp
I sometimes wink but I wouldn’t call myself a “winker”. I wish i cared more about my brows than I do. My mom gave me a brow wax for my birthday last year…yeah that should tell me something. haha. They’re not crazy out of control though I just kind of try to keep them in the pluck zone.
June 26, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Susan M
I have naturally beautiful eyebrows. Or so I tell myself, because there is no way I’m intentionally pulling hair out of anywhere.
I actually thought about doing a blog post on winking last night. No lie.
I was watching TV with my daughter, and I looked over at her and said something and winked.
Then I said, “I just winked at you.”
She said, “I know.”
I said, “I didn’t mean to wink at you. Sometimes it just happens.”
She said, “I kinda figured that when you told me you winked at me.”
I do sometimes unintentionally wink. Not usually at people, though, it’s usually when I’m alone. And having conversations in my head. Or something. But it’s always unintentional. Like a tick. Yeah, like a tick.
June 26, 2008 at 8:20 pm
cheryl
Susan has a winking tick. Cool!
My grandma plucked her eyebrows so much, she no longer has them. In fact, I don’t think she’s had eyebrows since 1972. She used to draw them on (and she did pretty good), but about 10 years ago, she got them tatooed on. No joke. And they look kind of funny, but don’t tell her I said that…
As far as YOUR eyebrows go (I can’t do simple html, so don’t think I was shouting that at you –pretend it was italicized for emphasis), I’m betting if you quit plucking now, you’ll be safe. I used to pluck, well…I still do…but it’s not as much as before. I have bushy eyebrows, and it was just too much work, you know?
P.S. I’ve seen pictures. I think your eyebrows are lovely, btw.
June 27, 2008 at 5:12 am
patience
Eyebrows are so difficult to manage. I covet beautiful eyebrows too. Apparently, there are eyebrow templates you can buy–you put the template over your eyebrow, dust the exposed hair with a colored powder, remove the template and tweeze everything that isn’t coated with powder. I’ve considered buying them.
June 27, 2008 at 7:17 am
Julie
So, I used to be a fanatical eyebrow plucker…back in the days when “thin was in.” Then I got lazy. Real Lazy. And now I only pluck that hair that grows out of the scar in my chin. It’s not pretty. The tweezers make it up to my brows only when I can see one right in the middle like a unicorn. But now I have this unquenchable desire to go pluck. Thanks a lot.
Oh, and I’m a winker. I don’t mean to be, but I totally am.
June 27, 2008 at 7:48 am
bythelbs
Alison—I’ve never felt like I could pull the wink off. When I do wink at someone that I’m joking around with I always do it in an overly exaggerated fashion so if for reason I can’t make my eyelid work properly it will look like I was being crazy on purpose.
kamilli—Creepy-yes! Winking can be extremely creepy depending on the winker. Or the wanker.
mad—I didn’t observe your brows to be wild and untamed while you were here. You must have naturally beautiful eyebrows like Susan.
Jumbo—What a great present from your mom! That’s OK, my sister gave me the same thing one year, only she bought it and then had my husband put it in my stocking!
Susan—Unintentional winking sounds like a great premise for an episode of Seinfeld. I love that your daughter had you figured out.
cheryl—The tatooed eyebrows frighten me. But thanks for the reassurance!
patience—There’s an eyebrow template?! Where have I been?
Julie—did you brow hairs that you used to always pluck grow back? That’s what I’m worried about now, that they won’t grow back and I’ll have to resort to tatooing like Cheryl’s grandma!
June 27, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Julie
Yes, they grew back. And they are bushy. But bushy is in, right? Right? Please, tell me I’m right! Oh, yes, I forgot, I “don’t care about those things.” Riiiight… (hey, that’s a right like dude. Ah, nuances…)
And that does sound like a great plot for a Seinfeld episode. Why they never explored that one we’ll never know.
June 30, 2008 at 3:04 pm
that girl
I’m a kiddie winker - but shh don’t tell anyone..I”ve never before realized that it might be weird for them. I’ve also done that exact same thing w/ my eyebrows and didn’t realize until I developed some (yes it was ages ago) pictures of me and a friend and I was like GOOD LORD WHAT IS THAT!? @#%@^@!!
June 30, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Mother of the Wild Boys
You guys are kidding about the Seinfeld winking episode right? Because that is one of the most quoted episodes around the Wild house…well, if you can call winking inappropriately like George to be quoting him. Don’t you remember? George gets some sort of citrus juice squirted into his eye, and then winks involuntarily at very inopportune moments. Tell me you’ve seen this episode!
BTW, we had a Visiting High Priest speak in our ward recently who must’ve had a Susan-like twitch. He kept winking at the weirdest moments. It was totally impossible to take his talk seriously. He was all:
”
”
please heed his council. ”
“I bring you greetings of love from our stake president. He is constantly concerned for your welfare.
and
“Daily prayer can bring us closer to our H. F.
and
“Your bishop is inspired,
I felt so bad giggling during his talk
July 8, 2008 at 10:39 am
bythelbs
OK MOTWB, I’m beginning to vaguely remember that one. And that HC talk sounds hilarious!
So fun to have you here!
July 8, 2008 at 10:43 am
bythelbs
Oh, and thatgirl, I’m very relieved to know it is not just me. I’ve begun the regrowth process. I’m sure with all the random stubble everyone must be thinking I am a woman who knows naught about eyebrow maintenance, but probably not any more than they did when I walked around oblivious to my too-far-apartedness.
August 6, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Wacky search term Wednesday: Eyebrow edition « By the lbs
[...] Since my alarming discovery of the freakishness that had become my eyebrows and my subsequent post about it, I have received several search term hits on this topic, [...]