Bythelbs’ kids get religion, part II (and winners announced)

You can read part I here.

This is how my children spend their time during our church services.

 

Mr. T

DynaGirl

Goose

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I threw all y’all’s names in a hat—literally, see:

 

DynaGirl drew out Susan M and Goose drew out Cheryl, which just goes to show if you stick around here long enough sooner or later you’re bound to get something out of it.  Congrats to the winners!  Condolences to the non-winners.  I actually felt so badly about disappointing so many of my fellow Office fanatics that I had my girls draw out two more names.  So more congrats to Julie and Boquinha who will each be receiving a small consolation prize.

It’s a major award! (and taking Friday funnies to the HNL)

Looky here!  Madhousewife in all her goodness and wisdom has bestowed upon me the most prestigious of honors.  Behold.

And all I had to do was write the mother of all mad libs!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Ho. Nuva. Level. (HNL), please allow me to enlighten you.

Have a great weekend!

Tonight, tonight, tonight! Hot darn! It’s on tonight!

After months of anicipation, it’s finally here!  The Office season premiere!  I could not be more excited, and in honor of this momentous occasion, I am giving away some Office themed goodies (the value of which is incalculacable) for you, my fellow Office fans.  And if you’re not a fan of The Office, it’s OK—I may not understand you, but I respect your right to exist.

The Office prize packs (there are two) include a mini-steno pad, pen and pencil set, magnets, sticky notes and an anti-stress toy in a Dwight or Pam theme.  Just leave a comment and your name will go into the hat.  I’ll post the winners on Monday.

Have you ever been over to the official NBC The Office site?  There’s lots of fun stuff over there for the die-hard Office fan, including blogs by Dwight and Creed, some trivia and personality tests and these hilarious little webisodes.  The webisodes are mini Office episodes exclusive to the website that tells a story in several small installments.  I think the most current one is “Kevin’s Loan”, in which Kevin finds himself in financial trouble and hatches a scheme to get a small business loan to pay off his gambling debts.  There are some classic Kevin moments, as well as some great scenes with Darryl, who is tragically under used in the network episodes, as far as I’m concerned.  You can find all five installments of “Kevin’s Loan” here, but here is part three just to give you a taste, as in “Taste the Ice Cream”.

 

Only 7 more hours!!

What kind of mother indeed

A week ago last Saturday, DynaGirl went with Goose and the neighbor and the neighbor’s daughters (DG’s and G’s BFFs) to open gym at the place Goose takes gymnastics. About an hour after they left, I got a call from my neighbor saying that DynaGirl had fallen off the balance beam and hurt her shoulder. They iced it there, and when she got home I iced it some more and gave her some ibuprofen. It wasn’t swollen or bruised and didn’t have any other sign of injury.  We figured with a few days rest she’d be good to go. It was sore and tender for about three days, and then she just sort of stopped complaining about it. A couple of days after that, I noticed DynaGirl still wasn’t moving it normally. She had trouble lifting and extending her upper arm, and whenever she got dressed, she would use her other hand to pull her arm through the sleeve. I decided I had better get her into the doctor just in case. It was Friday and after hours for her regular doctor, and since I try to avoid the walk-in clinic as much as possible, I decided to call on Monday. They didn’t have an appointment available with her regular doc on Monday, so I just scheduled one for Tuesday.

So I took DynaGirl to the doctor yesterday to have her arm checked out. The doctor was totally puzzled by the lack of pain that accompanied the lack of movement. She said it was like DynaGirl had dislocated it, but she had never seen a case of dislocation where the patient wasn’t in fairly intense pain.  We went to x-ray. It wasn’t dislocated. It was broken. BRO-ken broken. Like totally and completely all-the-way-through-the-bone broken. What kind of mother lets her daughter walk around with a broken arm for 10 days? This one. This one does.

They were very nice to me about it—tried to reassure me there was really no way of knowing given how little DynaGirl had complained. At least five people commented on how remarkable it was that she wasn’t in obvious pain with that kind of break. We ended up going to see the ortho guy, and he said it actually looks good. It’s slightly angulated, but he’s fully confident that as she grows it will all readjust itself perfectly and in a couple of years (a couple of years?) we’ll never even be able to tell it was broken. She’s got a couple weeks in a sling, and then we go back for a follow-up.

So I guess my negligence hasn’t caused her any permanent damage, but I still feel like crap.

Moral of the story—You can totally screw up with your kids and they’ll still be OK.  And you can have a dozen people tell you it’s not your fault, and you’ll still feel like crap.

You mean this poem, Betty?

Remember this?  I’ve been pretty disappointed not to have received any further updates on Chantella and Cristoph.  Oh Daydream Believer, where are you?  Have your dreams come true?  I did, however, recently receive (OK, I just had to look up “receive”.  You know how you type a word, but it looks wrong, so you type it the other way and it looks wrong, too?  Even though it’s right?  And it’s a word you’ve known how to spel [Holy ironic mispelling {Holy frick!  I just misspelled mispelling.  Double the irony!  Double the fun!}, Batman!  I left it in for your amusement.] correctly for at least 25 years, and you’ve been doing so with absolutely no problem until right this second?)  (Is there a limit to how many parentheticals you can have within a parenthetical?  Did I just misspell parenthetical?  Now I have to look that one up, too.  Phew!  I got that one right.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah, I recently received this:

Sister Bythelbs,

Just a note to ask if you still have a copy of the poem I wrote??? I forgot to keep one for my file. I don’t know what I was thinking. If you do, please e-mail it to me. Also thanks for the squash. It was soooooo GOOD! The reunion was so great and the Temple was just perfect. Love Betty

 

Betty, Betty, Betty.  What were you thinking?  You always keep one for the file.  I sure hope that other Sis. Bythelbs kept the poem.  That would be kind of awkward to have to admit to Betty that the poem was not treasured enough to have been kept in a safe place where it could be properly cherished for all eternity.  I hate to admit it, but I was halfway tempted to write a reply, thanking her for her praise of my gardening and gathering skills and including my own made up version of her poem.  But I thought better of it.  It’s just not neighborly to be screwing with people like that.  And I’m good folk.  Deep down.

But if I weren’t such good folk, and you were me, what kind of poem might I/you write? 

I could really go for some of that squash right about now.

 

 

 

 

Weekend whatnot

On Friday, Mr. T went on a campout with his boy scout troop.  This was his second attempt.  The first campout did not go over so well as it was raining and cold and there were irritating boys whose sole purpose in Mr. T’s estimation was to make everyone else miserable.  Friday afternoon I reminded him it was time to get ready and he heaved a heavy sigh.  Chuck and I decided long ago that scouting would not be something we would force upon our son, but Mr. T is the type of kid who occasionally needs a little nudging to do anything besides sit at the computer so we’re still trying to gently encourage him.  He agreed to go and got everything ready.  We were to meet at our church at 4:50 pm so they could leave at 5 pm sharp.  The scoutmaster ended up being over an hour late.  Whatever.  It was also raining and cold.  And there were irritating boys whose sole purpose was to make Mr. T miserable.  I’m not sure we can talk him into going a third time.  I’m not sure we’ll even try.

Saturday night DynaGirl woke up sobbing.  She’d had a nightmare.  She said she dreamed that Mr. T, BigHugs and I had all died.  Yikes.  That’s a nightmare.  The kind I have frequently.  I have times where my subconscious is a little too preoccupied with death.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had nightmares about losing members of my family.  They’re awful.  And even the relief of waking up and realizing it was just a dream isn’t enough to take away the feeling of dread.  It just lingers and makes me want to cry. Sometimes I do, like DynaGirl.

My favorite death dreams are the ones where someone dead comes back to life, specifically my mom.  I used to dream about her all the time—that she was still alive and everything was back to normal.  Those were actually good dreams, and even though I would wake up only to realize she was still gone, that repeated grief and disappointment was totally worth having her back for a few imaginary moments.  Sometimes I would dream that she was still alive, but then she would die again in my dream.  Those sucked.  No fair to have to relive it.

On Sunday night, we were all sitting at the dinner table when I noticed this weird noise in the background. My kids were convinced it was the dryer.  I thought, “It damn well better not be the dryer because that is definitely not how the dryer is supposed to sound, which could only mean that something is terribly, terribly wrong with the dryer and didn’t we just do the whole dead washer routine?”  I decided to investigate and ended up poking my head out the front door to find an ambulance and fire engine outside my neighbor’s house.  The weird background noise was the fire engine idling.

We go to church with these neighbors (an older couple with mostly grown kids and one 16 year old son at home), and have lived across the street from them for over seven years.  My first thought was one of them must have had a heart attack.  They’re both large people.  Lovely, lovely people, but large.  I was afraid.  I sent Chuck over to investigate, and it turns out Mrs. Lovely large neighbor had her leg just collapse out from under her.  She heard a pop and then it just folded.  Ouch.  Her husband said it happened in their bedroom, which is downstairs, while he was away, so she called out to her teenage son, who was upstairs, but he couldn’t hear her so she called him on his cell phone.  This is a small house, but thank goodness for cell phones, I guess.  Her son called his dad and he came home.  Chuck said the son was still upstairs when he got there.  I was wondering if he was still upstairs or upstairs again.  Surely he didn’t just stay upstairs and leave his poor mother alone in her misery until dad arrived.  Surely.

I was just so relieved no one had a heart attack.  I’m going to check on her today.

Today Chuck left for a 10-day business trip.  Again with the business trips.  It would have been a full two weeks only DynaGirl’s birthday is next Thursday and Chuck missed her birthday two years ago while on business in Italy, and DynaGirl has never let him forget it.  She still brings it up at random non-birthday related times.  “Remember that time you missed my birthday?” 

He broke the news to the kids Friday night over dinner.

Chuck:  I’ve got good news and bad news.  Which do you want first?

DynaGirl:  Bad news.

Chuck:  I have to go on another trip.

DynaGirl and Goose:  What?  Again?

DynaGirl:  You’re going to miss my birthday!  Again!

Chuck:  Wait for the good news.

DynaGirl, sulking.

Chuck:  I’m coming back on your birthday.

DynaGirl:  Yay!  Wait, what time?

He’ll be home before she gets home from school, but I love how quick she was to make sure he wasn’t trying to pull a fast one on her.  Like not getting home until nighttime would have been totally cheating because he still would have basically missed her birthday.  Again.

So, to sum up:

stupid campouts = bad

death = bad

jacked-up leg = better than a heart attack

DynaGirl = forgive, but not forget

 

How was your weekend?

Friday Funnies and other nonsense

Are you rat or pig?

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My spam filters still leave something to be desired, but the upside is I occasionally get one of these little gems.

“I never once act doubted encouraging annoyed kept your doing so.” Monte Cristo “And you religion shoed have confused doubtless brought all sent your papers wi

cushion “There space is sign only one thing which shirt grieves me,” observ “What papers?” “Yes.” employ “Ah, my M. Cavalcanti, below I trust fear rail you will not l

“Ah, debt language your promptly excellency, I am letter overwhelmed with deligh “What papers?”

What papers?!

“Happy stormy father, squeaky carelessly swum happy son!” said the count. slimy “The register of the birth sadly buzz stridden of Andrea Cavalcanti—o wind sprung rule “Really, sir, you must allow that this ornithic is most ext

need curtain “Let gaze us try what we can arch do, then,” said the notary “Happy brake father, knit thread upset happy son!” said the count.

Happy stormy father, upset happy son—I’m confused, are they happy or not? And who’s this count?

“I never once act doubted encouraging annoyed kept your doing so.” Monte Cristo “And you religion shoed have confused doubtless brought all sent your papers wi

The count of Monte Cristo? Again with the papers.

And my personal favorite:

The mind major horse pump passed his insect hand across his brow. “Ah, pe “Yes.” “Certainly I do.”

Certainly do what? Now I’m intrigued. I’d like to hear the rest of this story.

Random kid speak

In the car.

Goose:  I feel like I have an extra toe.

Me:  What?

Goose:  It feels like there’s an extra toe on my foot.

Me:  What are you talking about?

Goose:  You know how your hand has a finger that comes out the side?  I feel like there’s a toe like that on my foot.

A phantom thumb toe.  No wonder she has a hard time with shoes and socks.

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After dinner.

DynaGirl:  Can girls be hobos?

Me:  Yeah.

DynaGirl:  Yes!  I wanna be a hobo when I grow up!

Goose:  I want to be a hobo when I grow up.

DynaGirl:  Why do you always have to copy people?

Again with the hobos.  And the copying.

 

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Any time.

BigHugs: I need some chocolate milk to watch Tom & Jerry.

That’s pretty much all she says lately.

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After a spaz-attack by one of the girls.

Mr. T:  Was I adopted?

Me:  No.

Mr. T:  I had to have been adopted.

Me:  Hey, if you were adopted that means you wouldn’t be related to me.  Harumph.

Mr. T:  Well, then was everyone else adopted?

Me:  Totally.

I tell them all the same thing—whatever they need to hear.

Stupid schoolwork update, in case you’re interested

So I sent a note with DynaGirl’s math homework, saying I didn’t understand how she was supposed to answer these questions without any context.  Her teacher told her that since there was not enough information to really determine the answer, she was to mark one of the middle boxes.  Wha?  Since when does “there’s no way of knowing based on the information provided” = “kind of unlikely or kind of very likely”?  Whatever.  It’s still a dumb math program.

As for Mr. T’s teacher, I questioned Mr. T a little more about it today.  He said he likes his teacher.  She’s nice and fun.  Hmmm…  Apparently he wasn’t traumatized by the experience.  It sounds like she’s fairly young, so I’m going to give her a break and chalk up this particular incident to poor judgment and inexperience.  We’ll just have to wait and see if a pattern develops.

And for those of you who are interested, here are the answers to the non-IQ test “test”:

1.  26 L of the A (26 letters of the alphabet)

2.  7 D of the W (7 days of the week)

3.  7 W of the W (7 wonders of the world)

4.  12 S of the Z  (12 signs of the zodiac)

5.  66 B of the B  (66 books of the bible)

6.  18 H on a G C  (18 holes on a golf course)

7.  39 B of the O T  (39 books of the old testament)

8.  5 T on a F (5 toes on a foot)

9.  90 D in a R A (90 degrees in a right angle)

10. 3 B M (S H T R)  (3 blind mice, see how they run)

11. 32 is the T in D F at which W F (32 is the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit at which water freezes)

12. 15 P in a R T (15 players in a rugby team)

13. 3 W on a T (3 wheels on a tricycle)

14. 100 C in a D (100 coins in a dollar—I think this should have been 100 P in a D)

15. 11 P in a F (S) T  (11 players in a football team—I’m guessing the “S” is for starting?)

16. 12 M in a Y  (12 months in a year)

17. 13 is U F S  (13 is unlucky for some)

18. 8 T on an O  (8 tentacles on an octopus)

19. 29 D in F in a L Y   (29 days in February in a leap year)

20. 27 B in the N T  (27 books in the new testament)

21. 365 D in a Y  (365 days in a year)

22. 13 L in a B D  (13 loaves in a baker’s dozen)

23. 52 W in a Y  (52 weeks in a year)

24. 9 L of a C   (9 lives of a cat)

25. 60 M in an H (60 minutes in an hour)

26. 23 P of C in the H B  (23 pairs of chromosomes in the human body)

27. 64 S on a C B  (64 squares on a chess/checker board)

28. 9 P in S A  (9 provinces in South Africa—well, duh)

29. 6 B to an O in C  (6 balls to an over in cricket—wha?)

30. 1000 Y in a M  (1000 years in a millenium)

31. 15 M on a D M C (15 men on a dead man’s chest)

32. 52 C in a P (W J) ( 52 cards in a pack without jokers)

33. 13 S in the U S F  (13 stripes in the United States flag)

Hey teacher, leave those kids alone

I used to be one of those people who thought homeschooling was insane.  Why would anyone do that?  Why would you want to do that?  But now that I’m older and see the differences in children’s needs and learning styles and am better acquainted with the public education system in general, I can understand why some parents would choose this road.  It’s still not for me, but I no longer think they’re off their rockers.  For the most part.

Last year our school district implemented a new math program at the elementary level designed to teach math skills in a way that students could apply them in everyday life.  I guess the idea is that if they can see the practical applications they will more readily understand the concepts.  This sounds like a good idea in theory, but I think the execution still leaves something to be desired.

This worksheet was part of DynaGirl’s homework last night:

Number 6 says, “How likely is it that my head will explode?”

DynaGirl (who is in 3rd grade this year) started her homework while I was out running errands.  When I came home she was very frustrated.  After reading over this worksheet, I totally understood why.  There was no accompanying sheet of instructions or story or math book to consult in reference to these questions.  We determined that number 1 was very unlikely because turkeys just don’t get that big, do they?  But the other questions?  Who the hell is Hugh, and how are we supposed to know how old he is likely to be?  What do they mean by “mosquitoes for company”?  If they’re asking how likely it is that Hugh invited them over for tea, I would say not likely, but if Hugh’s camping or hanging out by a lake or something, then sure he’s more than likely to have a few mosquitoes hanging around.  And apparently Hugh is hanging out by a lake because he’s catching a million fish.  Only a million likely an exaggeration—you know how men (or boys named Hugh who may or may not be 8 years old) are with their fish stories.  And where did these pirates come from?  Why cypress trees?  Would the answer be any different if they were palm trees?

It’s all so random.  Where is the context?  What exactly is the lesson here?  It’s just stupid.  And pointless.

 

Mr. T is in 7th grade this year and is part of an honors program, which includes advanced math and social studies and English classes for the “gifted” students.  On Monday, his social studies teacher told his class that they had over-enrolled the honors classes that year and would be administering an IQ test to determine which kids would stay in the class and which would be dropped.  She gave them a 33 question test, and before they started told them that if they got 19 questions right, they would be assured a place in the program and if the got 15 questions right they still had a really good chance, but anything less than that would be iffy.

Needless to say, a lot of the kids were stressed out, and Mr. T said one boy was near tears while taking the test.  The test was a series of word puzzles or phrases that included numbers and letters.  The letters represented the first letter of a word in a phrases.  For example, 24 H in a D would be 24 hours in a day.  After the test was over, the teacher informed the class that it was all a joke and that they had just taken the test for fun.  Mr. T said he was very relieved as after they corrected the test he found that he had only answered 12 questions correctly.

Are you kidding me?  It was a joke?  Most of these kids were all freaked out about the possibility of being dropped from the program, and some of them, close to tears, had nearly cracked under the pressure.  What kind of teacher does this?  So.  Lame.  And.  Wrong.

Just out of curiosity, I took the test and got 18 1/2 right.  How many can you get?  If anyone gets #28 right, I’ll eat my hat.

1.  26 L of the A               

2.  7 D of the W

3.  7 W of the W              

4.  12 S of the Z               

5.  66 B of the B                                       

6.  18 H on a G C            

7.  39 B of the O T           

8.  5 T on a F

9.  90 D in a R A              

10. 3 B M (S H T R)                     

11. 32 is the T in D F at which W F         

12. 15 P in a R T                           

13. 3 W on a T                  

14. 100 C in a D               

15. 11 P in a F (S) T         

16. 12 M in a Y                 

17. 13 is U F S                  

18. 8 T on an O                 

19. 29 D in F in a L Y       

20. 27 B in the N T                       

21. 365 D in a Y               

22. 13 L in a B D              

23. 52 W in a Y                

24. 9 L of a C                   

25. 60 M in an H               

26. 23 P of C in the H B    

27. 64 S on a C B             

28. 9 P in S A                   

29. 6 B to an O in C          

30. 1000 Y in a M

31. 15 M on a D M C

32. 52 C in a P (W J)

33. 13 S in the U S F