A few House episodes ago, the sage doctor said white lies are lies we tell to make other people feel better and rationalizations are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better. I’ve often referred to myself as the Queen of rationalization, but I don’t think I ever thought of it as lying so much as a method of preserving sanity. Here are a few of my favorite “lies” I tell myself:
1. Substitute curse words are not the same as standard curse words. After all, I’m making a conscious decision to not say the actual curse word. If I had meant *?@!, I would have said *?@!. But I didn’t, I said crap. That’s totally different.
2. Continuing with this profanity vein, words that appear in the Bible are perfectly legitimate words to say, and should be excused from the swear word category when necessary. This list would include hell, damn and the occasional beast of burden. (One of my daughter’s Sunday school teachers once told her it was OK to say hell as long as you’re not telling someone to go there. I’m inclined to agree.)
3. Eating a cake one forkful at a time while passing through the kitchen intermittently throughout the day yields far less fat, carbs & calories than stuffing it all in your face in one sitting. The very act of walking in and out of the kitchen surely burns whatever fat, carbs & calories were consumed in that tiny morsel.
4. The nutritional ratings of serving sizes on food packages only apply when a single serving is consumed. If multiple servings are consumed within a 24 hour or let’s say even a 15 minute time period, a discount of sorts is applied. It’s like buying in bulk–the more pounds you buy, the cheaper the product is per pound.
5. It makes more sense to let significant periods of time pass between portrait sittings of family and children, so that one may discern a noticeable difference in the subjects. If you’re doing it more than once every year or three, then it’s basically time lapse photography. Who has room to store all those pictures anyways?
6. A clean house is merely an invitation for your children to make more messes. It’s like handing them a brand new coloring book and box of crayons. But if you give them a coloring book with all the pages already used up, then there will be nothing left for them to color.
7. There is no reason to clean the tub or toilet before the rings of dirt are visible from more than a few feet away. How are we supposed to know it’s really dirty before we can really see it?
8. Children possess almost super-human immunities that we adults do not have. It’s perfectly OK to put the hot dogs that fell off their plates back onto their plates and then put the hot dog that fell off your plate into the trash. (It’s also OK to feed your kids the hot dogs–because they like them–and then feed yourself something that’s actually good.)
9. Time spent while blogging does not pass at the same rate as real time. It’s kind of like the Lost island–for every 31 minutes or so of blogging time only about 1 minute has passed in real time. (I’m still doing the research, but I’m fairly certain this also applies to reading and catching up on your TiVo’d shows.) So spending time doing other activities that don’t have this same kind of time suspension (like cleaning the house or running errands) is basically a waste of time. Time is precious, people. We can’t afford to waste it.
So now it’s your turn. Can you dethrone the Queen?
Oh, and here’s a little bonus for your listening/viewing pleasure–you can go ahead and stick YouTube into that whole time suspension category.