Archive | May, 2008

Friday Funnies

30 May

It’s sad how much I enjoyed this one.  I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m not a very nice person.



If I had a nickel for everytime I could have used one of these…

A meme in 10 (make that 12) pictures

29 May

Cheryl tagged me for a meme—my first ever!  I think she was pretty sure I wouldn’t do it because it involves taking pictures of things.  Personal things.  Private things.  Like personal refrigerators and private toilets.  But I’m throwing caution to the wind and participating because what the hey, you only live twice.  Or so it seems… (bonus points for identifying the line and extra bonus points for the next line)

#1  Kitchen sink

What can I say—you caught me on a good day.  This is not normal.  So very not normal.


#2  Inside fridge

Yes, I do actually have two Costco sized bags of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chips.  Right there on the middle shelf.  Necessities of life, people.  Necessities of life.


#3  Favorite shoes

I don’t know that these are my favorite, but I do wear them a lot.  They’re comfortable.  And I have a lot of brown, so they like go with stuff.  I don’t like to anger the color coordination gods.  Bad things happen.


#4  Closet

My closet is a black hole for all kinds of random crap.  This picture really doesn’t do it justice.  Thank heavens.


#5  Laundry pile

Again, you caught me on a good day.  I have guests, remember.  Or at least guest.  I’ve been trying to be on my best behavior.  The bedding is from departed guests.  Dearly departed.  Miss you already, Mad!


#6  What the kids are doing right now

I did not stage this.  I swear on a stack of phone books.  I don’t make this stuff up.  I took this picture this afternoon.


#7  Favorite room

I considered shutting the tv cabinet doors for the picture, but then it would no longer be my favorite room.  See that little white thing under the cabinet?  It’s my wii fit, baby!  And I like it!  I love it!  I’m going to tell you all about it next week.


#8  Toilet

Why?  Why would anyone want to see this?  I followed Cheryl’s lead and left the lid down.  Just in case.   I actually didn’t even check to see if the bowl was clean—I just assumed it was not.  Looks like I need to take out the trash, too.


#9  Fantasy vacation

Chuck’s taken several business trips to Italy.  Without me.  I think I figured out one time that when you add up all his trips he’s lived in Italy for about 5 months.  Without me.  We’re supposed to be going next year.  Together.  These are a few of my favorite pictures he’s taken:


#10  Self portrait

And now, what you’ve all been waiting for—the big reveal!

So now I guess I’m supposed to tag people?  Is that how this meme thing works?  Hmmm…I tag Susan M (because she was just a little too relieved to not be tagged by Cheryl), Madhousewife, Boquinha, Jody, Patience and Alison.  These are all the people who might read this who haven’t already been tagged by Cheryl.  Did I miss anyone?  It’s OK if you say, “I choose not to meme!”  I’ll understand.  Heck, I’ll even support your decision!

If you only knew the stories your kids are telling

28 May

I got an earful at the bus stop today.  Another little girl in Goose’s kindergarten line had all kinds of stories to tell.

Little kindergarten girl:  Our car is a piece of junk.

Me:  Oh, really?

LKG:  Yeah, we had to push it all the way over here.  Me and my mom.  My little brothers stayed in the car and said weeeeee!

Me:  That’s too bad.

LKG:  I have this special rock to remember my cousin by.

Me:  That’s a pretty rock.

LKG:  He broke up with my mom.

Me:  Your cousin broke up with your mom?

LKG:  Yeah.

Me:  That’s too bad.

LKG:  And then he left with Corinne.

Me:  Corinne?

LKG:  Yeah.  Corinne stomped on my mom’s heart and crushed it.

Me:  That’s too bad.


I don’t even want to know what my kids are saying when I’m not around.


27 May

So I don’t really have time to write an actual post, but it’s been such a long weekend and I am loathe to neglect the blogging for too long, so I guess I’m just popping my head in to say “Hi, remember me?  I’m still here!”

Most of my family have gone except for one—my younger sister.  She is staying until Saturday, which is great because I hardly ever get to see her (I think it’s been three years since her last visit) but it also kind of throws off my routine.  I’m not sure what we should do.  What is she expecting from this visit?  Do I need to entertain her?  Will she be bored out of her mind and spend the next four days wondering why on God’s green earth she ever thought it would be a good idea to visit her wacko boring sister who’s wacko with the boringness and also boring, and then make a mental note to be sure not to return for at least another three years because sheesh it’s just so boring here?    What to do, what to do.  Maybe she’d like to mop my floors and clean my bathrooms?  Good thing I’m fresh out of “how was your stay” comment cards—I’m not sure I would fair too well this time.  We shall see…

What do you do when your relatives come to visit?

P.S.  Had a lovely visit with the family.  Madhousewife’s children were delightful!  Well, the 2 am screaming on Friday night/Saturday morning (or was it Saturday night/Sunday morning) wasn’t particularly delightful, but it didn’t carry on for long—that I could tell.  Anywho, all the cousins got along and I think everyone left without doors a slamming or wheels a peeling out of the driveway or vows of never again returning or hearty shouts of “So long, suckahs!”, so all in all I would call it a success!

Friday Funnies

23 May

So I don’t really have a Friday Funny for you.  Not in the comic strip sense anyway.  I’ve been trying to get ready for the boatload of relatives I have coming in this weekend, including Madhousewife, so I’ve been neglecting the blog.  I’ve been neglecting the blog so I can do more important things like clean my laundry room, organize my pantry and de-clutter my bedroom because you know how much time houseguests spend in those places.  I still haven’t cleaned by bathrooms or mopped my floor, but really, how many times are houseguests likely to need to use the bathroom or walk on the floor in a 3-day period?

But as for the Friday funny, I will leave you with this moment I had with DynaGirl yesterday:

I started painting the downstairs vaulted entry last August.  I got about halfway up the wall and only to the start of the stairs and then stopped, and for some reason (well, a plethora of reasons actually) have not gotten back to the project yet.

DynaGirl:  You really should start painting again.

Me:  Yeah, we have lots to do to finish.

DynaGirl:  Doesn’t painting help get you fit?

Me, turning to look at her

DynaGirl:  What?

Me, starting to chuckle

DynaGirl:  I wasn’t trying to say you aren’t fit already.

Me, still chuckling and shaking my head

DynaGirl:  But didn’t you say painting is good exercise?  Not that you need to exercise.  I just mean…

Yeah, yeah.  I know what you mean.

Prettyfull poneys and unicorn paths

21 May

DynaGirl’s gotten back into horses lately.  She used to be all about the horses.  Horses this.  Horses that.  Loved, loved, loved the horses.  And then she moved onto puppies.  But the horses are back.

And I’m so glad because when I got home from running my errands yesterday I found this:

With this note on the back:

I love you Mom.  I drew these prettyfull poney picter for you because I noticed last time you really liked them.  When are you coming home it seems like FOREVER!



P.S. did I mention I love you?


She also draws amazingly adorable puppies, but I love these prettyfull poneys.  Oh, and did I mention the unicorns?


DynaGirl pointed out to me yesterday that all of her unicorn pictures have a path in them.  I can’t wait to go down the path with her.

Pancakes bigger than your head. Or what’s wrong with America.

20 May

Last week I met some friends for breakfast. I had to take BigHugs with me because my regular sitter was going to the breakfast too. Why she didn’t offer to stay home and watch my kid so I could dine in peace, I just don’t know. I got BigHugs all psyched up for the restaurant trip with a promise of pancakes. Pancakes are one of the few things that BigHugs with actually eat. On occasion.

Incidentally, I had to stop at the school on the way to give DynaGirl her glasses—she had forgotten them again. The last time she had forgotten them we were at the bus stop and I thought there was a reasonable chance I could run back to the house and get them and be back before the bus got there. So I handed off BigHugs to my neighbor and ran home. Ran. Like all the way. Holy cow. If I ever had any doubt that I could use a little cardio…I stumbled around the house panting heavily and trying not to pass out while I looked for her glasses. I finally found them and then ran back to the bus stop. I was wrecked for the rest of the day. So this time when DynaGirl told me at the bus stop that she had forgotten her glasses I said, “Dude, I can’t run all the way back home again. I”ll never make it.  I’ll just have to bring them to you at school.” So I did, but as we pulled into the school parking lot BigHugs said, “Hey! This isn’t the estwant—this is a school!” She thought I was trying to pull a fast one on her, but I reassured her it was just a quick stop on the way.

So back at the restaurant I perused the menu and decided on the Denver omelette for myself with the sourdough toast (mmm…sourdough) and then tried to find some pancakes for BigHugs. I had been to this restaurant once before and my friend had ordered some eggs with a side of pancakes. These pancakes were like the size of my head. Nay, bigger than my head (and I have a healthy sized noggin!) They were a foot in diameter if they were an inch.  My friend got about a third of the way through hers before she decided she really needed to just. stop. eating.  So she heavily sprinkled pepper over the remaining portion to ensure that she would.  I thought that was an interesting strategy.

So I knew I did not want a “side” of pancakes, but I couldn’t see a kid’s menu anywhere. I asked the waitress, “Do you have a kid’s menu?” She said that they did, and I told her I really just wanted a kid’s size pancake and could I just order that on the side with my breakfast? Then she said, “Well, the kid’s pancakes are the same size as the regular pancakes.” What? What?! What child is going to eat a 1 lb pancake?

I had promised BigHugs the pancake, so the pancake she got. I think she ate about 1/20th of it. I was thinking, couldn’t the “chef” have just made me a smaller pancake? How hard would that be? You just pour less batter, right? I would have been totally willing to go back there and say “when”. I really thought it was strange that it was impossible for them to give me a normal human sized pancake.

I have two beefs from this experience.  1)  Nobody uses common sense these days and everyone is so inflexible—like the world will end if you deviate from your set protocal of pancake portioning.  I just want a smaller pancake, is that so wrong?  Or hard?  Just make it smaller!  I’ll even pay the same amount, if that’s what you’re worried about.  And 2)  Why the freak does anyone need to be eating this much food?  I’m sorry, but no adult needs to be eating platter-sized pancakes, let alone a child. 

And we wonder why America is so fat.

All on a Sunday morning

19 May

Getting breakfast on the table.

Mom:  Goose, what do you want for breakfast?

Goose, in a dreamy voice:  I want a sparkle pony.

Mom:  What do you want to eat?

Goose, same dreamy voice:  I want a unicorn with beautiful, flowing hair.

Mom:  Are you going to eat breakfast or not?

Goose, dreamy voice bordering on creepy:  I want a rainbow that poops butterflies out.

Mom:  Seriously!

Goose:  I guess I’ll just have toast.  Sheesh!


At the breakfast table:

DynaGirl:  Why didn’t you jump on the trampoline with us yesterday, Mr. T?  It was so fun with the sprinkler under it.

Goose:  Yeah, we missed you.  It was so fun.

Mr. T.:  I didn’t really feel like getting wet and I was kinda tired.

DynaGirl:  Darn you for being tired.  Darn you to heck.

I, of course, have no idea where she gets this stuff.


Mr. T:  Can we play the wii today?  If we promise not to play anything violent where we kill people and eat their faces off?  Then in a creepy trance-like voice:  I like eating people’s faces off.

For the record, we do not have any games where you kill people and then eat their faces off.  That I know of anyway.

Getting dressed for church.

DynaGirl, in her nightshirt:  I’m not wearing any pants.  But I am wearing underwear.

Mom:  Thank goodness for that.

DynaGirl:  What if I wasn’t wearing any underwear?

Mom:  That would be gross.

DynaGirl:  OK.  Glad we had this conversation.

Me too.

Happy Birthday Madhousewife!

17 May


Dude, you are like way too cool to not have like the most awesome birthday like ever!!!  Rock on, Sis!

Love ‘n’ junk,


Madhousewife and Bythelbs circa 1989.


What is she saying?  And what the hell does it have to do with birthdays?

Friday Funnies and more freakishness

16 May

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.  And also sad.



I came across this in the paper the other day:

How exactly is this an honor? 

Every time I scrape off the bottom of my shoe, flush that tissue-encased crumpled body or chuck that gut-encrusted newspaper in the trash, I’ll think of you, Neil.  I love you, man!  sniff.

Susan, maybe you could weigh in on this.

And I think this one was in the paper on the same day:

Notice how employee Kristen Nestor talks about the skull as if it’s an actual person. 

There’s one in every new age store.  At least one.

Finally, you’ve all probably seen this by now, but it practically demands to be mentioned with the previous two:

I’m sorry, but if you belong to a religious order based on fictional extraterrestrial monk-ish knight characters who record themselves in light saber battles in their spare time, wouldn’t you think a Darth Vader attack inevitable?  Wouldn’t you almost see it coming?

But then, of course, the dark side clouds everything.  Impossible to see the future is.