Out of nowhere.
DynaGirl: Mom, why do grownups wink at kids? What’s up with the winking?
Me: I don’t know.
DynaGirl: Do you wink at kids?
Me: No, but sometimes I smile. Does the winking bother you?
DynaGirl: No, it’s just I think it’s weird.
I’ve never really thought about it before. What is up with the winking? Are you a winker?
At the risk of sounding like a complete vainiac (you know with the whole hair of awesomeness thing), I had a horrifying revelation tonight. I think my eyebrows are too far apart. And I don’t mean like naturally. I think I’ve gone a little pluck-happy and now I have these freakishly small/short/stubby eyebrows. I saw a picture of myself and something seemed kind of off, and then it hit me: what in the name of all that is good and properly tweezed is up with my eyebrows?!
And I think I remember where it all went wrong. I was doing my usual maintenance when I accidentally plucked in a no pluck zone, but then there was this hole, see, so I had to kind of even things out. And then of course there was the whole issue with the lopsidedness, and so I had to breach the no pluck zone on the other side, too. I figured they would grow back quickly, I mean for crying out loud, every time I turn around I’m facing the eminent threat of unibrow. OK, maybe unibrow is a little dramatic, but I have strong hair regrowth genes or something and there is almost a daily need of plucking at least something at least one time like at least once a day. (I know what you’re thinking, therein lies the problem—she can’t stop with the plucking. But that’s not it, really.)
So I’m thinking that some time between the woopsie-daisy-that’ll-grow-back and the actual growing back I kind of forgot about the whole letting that grow back thing, and I’ve been plucking my poor little eyebrow hairs thinking I was holding the line when really I needed to advance on the line because the line had retreated into the no pluck zone. Are you following me? And now I have freakishly widely spaced eyebrows! And I just noticed, which means I’ve been walking around like this for heaven knows how long and I leave for the big Chuckster family reunion this weekend which is not nearly enough time to accomplish a complete and full regrowth, so I can either pretend like I fully intended to look this way and look like a total freak or I can start the regrowth process anyway and just look like a total freak with these eyebrows that have some serious density issues.
I honestly don’t spend a lot of time obsessing over my appearance. But this eyebrow thing is really starting to freak me out. Everywhere I look, every tv personality or movie character, every random model in a newspaper or magazine are just a pair of eyebrows! Eyebrows that are mocking me with their perfect normality of length and fullness! I’m afraid to go to bed tonight—can you imagine the eyebrow related nightmares?
Don’t even bother bringing up the eyebrow pencil. I know they exist, but I’m just not ready to go there. And you can forget about pictures, too. Don’t even ask.