This post title may be a tad misleading, as there is nothing especially holidayish about this WSTW other than the fact that it will have been written during the holiday season. I’m just trying to get in the spirit of the season. Plus doesn’t “special holiday edition” sound more intriguing and/or festive than “nuthin special edition”?
is a unibrow park of puberty—Originally I thought this was a typo. Surely “park” was meant to be “part”. Except seeing how the “k” is, in fact, nowhere near the “t” on the keyboard, I can only assume that some poor adolescent googler did indeed mean “park”. And that being the case, methinks some poor adolescent googler’s parents might be taking the whole “birds and bees, flowers and trees” analogy a wee bit far. But who am I to tell anyone how to raise their child? This is a very sensitive issue for most, so I’ll play along to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes or popping anyone’s protective bubble of euphemismia. Yes, young one, I believe in the park of puberty grass begins to grow in places where grass has not heretofore grown, including the area betwixt the eyebrows, or rather, the area that should be betwixt the eyebrows, which is to say that there should be a betwixt, which would require two of something for there to be something else in between. So if there is no longer any betwixting in the eyebrowal region, then I might suggest mowing the lawn, so to speak, as I’m afraid that there is but one who can pull off the unibrow, and that one, of course, would be Bert. Just be careful as you’re manicuring your lawn that you don’t go overboard. Gentle landscaping, young one. Gentle landscaping.
impressive sock monkey—Is there any other kind?
sock monkey cool’—Word.
hot sock monkey—Oh, come now. Don’t go trying to pervify innocence in its purest form.
monkey out of crack—Are you trying to make a monkey out of crack? Or is your monkey stuck in a crack and you need advice on how to extract him? What kind of crack? Sidewalk? Cocaine? Bum? We can’t proceed without further details.
doctor sock monkey—Are you looking for a doctor for your sock monkey or a sock monkey who practices medicine? Again, details people, details. Kind of important. Or perhaps this is a pet name for someone? I’m hearing Barry White, “You can call me Dr. Sock Monkey, baby. Yeah.”
unicorn picter—Hmmm. No unicorn “picters” here, but if unicorns are really your thing, may I direct you here? (Thanks for the link, Mad. Pure awesome.)
“pond scene” austen—You mean this pond scene? In that case, it should really be “pond scene” awesome. (Also, you have to check this out:)
grils pees—Grills peas? Girls pees? Girls please? I’m stumped.
sorry poems i called you someone else’s—Pulling a Ross there? I’m not certain a poem is going to make up for calling your significant other the wrong name. It might depend on the context. Were you asking for her to please pass the grilled peas or were you in a more romantical situation, if you know what I mean? Or wait, are you apologizing to the poems?
“cause I’m a winner no not a loser”—Self-affirmation can be a very helpful tool in the quest for a healthy self image. Try saying it in front of a mirror. You will never find your true sense of self worth on the internets, my friend. It must come from within. And you are a winner, no not a loser. Unless you’re that joker who called his girlfriend by the wrong name. Pretty weenie.
ginger + burning sensation— = a sorry excuse for a snap.
help me oh load to live and see the offs—I think I know where you’re coming from. When my washing machine was on the fritz I oft found myself saying “help me oh load” or “Load, have mercy!” If you need any washer repair tips, come on back. I’m pretty much an expert.
my womb card—Is this some kind of license? Not a bad idea, actually—a license to reproduce. Or maybe it’s some kind of fetus networking tool? If a womb card is drawn out of the jar, can the fetus collect on the free IHOP meal postpartum or in utero? Mmmm…rutti tutti fresh and fruity.
later suckahs—Right back atchya. Actually, I’m thinking of closing up shop for a little while so I can spend more time with my children and focus on my fami… *snort* Sorry, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to pull that one off with a straight face. But really, it’s that hustly bustly time of year so I may not be around a whole lot the next couple weeks. I’m sure I’ll be stopping by to bring you good tidings of great Christmas and New Year’s joy. Until then, later suckahs!