Raise your hand if you’re sure you’re a freak

18 Feb

Are you someone who keeps three sticks of anti-perspirant deoderant in various stages of use in your bathroom drawer?

 

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See, when you start getting to the point where you can no longer twist up, you buy a new stick.  And then not too long after you can no longer twist up, you’re dangerously close to the dipping below the rim and scraping the crud out of your armpit territory.  So just to be safe, you start on the new stick because the scraping is not so nice you see, and even though you’re pretty sure you have a good 5-7 more uses before you get to scrapage you figure why risk it.  But you don’t throw the almost to scrapage stick away because it might possibly have those 5-7 applications left (and maybe the 5-7 is really more of an 8-10—you don’t know for sure because you’ve never actually paid attention to how many passes you make under each arm every morning and you’re totally ignorant of the pass to wear-down ratio) and you’re not about the wasting of a perfectly good 5-7 or maybe 8-10 applications left stick of anti-perspirant deoderant plus also who knows when you might be in need of an emergency reserve stick because knowing yourself, you realize there have been times in your past when you’ve moved onto the new stick and worn it down to the scrapage point and beyond because even though you’ve been to Target 17 times in the past three weeks you manage to forget to buy a new stick every time regardless of whether or not it’s been on your shopping list and you’re about two seconds away from scooping out the dregs and rubbing them under your arms with your bare fingers when you realize that somewhere in the back of your drawer there is the reserve stick with 5-7 or maybe even 8-10 additional applications and then out comes the hallelujah chorus because you really don’t enjoy the scooping out of the dregs and the rubbing of them under the arms with the bare fingers thing.  (And if I had any idea how to properly punctuate the preceding paragraph, I totally might consider some editing in there.)

Emergency preparedness is a good and wise thing, you see?  Only in your bathroom drawer, the sticks look like this:

 

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And you’re constantly forgetting which is which.  Is the brand new stick staying on your skin and not on your clothes?  Is the emergency reserve stick stickerless?  Or does it have 6 ultimate benefits?  Which is the stick you’re currently using again?  What are those 6 ultimate benefits about anyways?

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Does anyone buy deoderant that says “like maybe half a day of wetness and odor protection”?  Why hasn’t Dove moved up to 1/2 moisturizers?  They’ve been doing this 1/4 thing for years.  Who doesn’t want more moisturizing?   And wait a minute, beautiful frangrances? 

 

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Um, hello, are they trying to pull some kind of fast one here?   I’m buying the sensitive skin frangrance free for a reason, I think.  It’s all so confusing.

Speaking of confusing, so all of your sticks look basically the same, right?  And sometimes you just grab any old stick, absent-mindedly rip off the lid and get down to business.  Totally no big deal if you grab the currently using stick or even the emergency reserve stick, as long as you haven’t accidentally grabbed the reserve stick more than 5-7 or 8-10 times.  But trust me, you do not want to find yourself on the business end of the brand-new, never before used, sealed for your protection stick.

 

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Not a pleasant surprise, by which I mean “Good frick, that smarts!”  I can hardly believe there’s not blood or some other DNA evidence dripping from the protruding plastic pokers of pain!  Ouch!  And frick!  And also FRICK! 

So let that be a lesson to you, my friends—a little note to self, if you will.  Always, always, always remove the devil’s protection cap of pain from your anti-perspirant deoderant before chucking it into your drawer with your currently using and emergency reserve sticks.  Frick!

(I considered photographing the crime scene, but it’s been over 24 hours since I’ve done any grooming in the pittal area, and I’m just not sure I’m ready to take that step in our relationship.)

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20 Responses to “Raise your hand if you’re sure you’re a freak”

  1. Mother of the Wild Boys February 18, 2009 at 12:25 pm #

    This is the first time I laughed out loud today…and since I have mid-terms looming right now, I REALLY needed some laughs. Thanks! 😀

  2. E February 18, 2009 at 12:59 pm #

    I was dubious to begin with…..but then I really started to laugh out loud.

  3. Evitafjord February 18, 2009 at 1:21 pm #

    I can see just a little DNA on the last picture.

    I just went through this process last week. Except that my 2 currently using sticks (one for upstairs and one for downstairs – upstairs is post-shower and downstairs is just in case I forgot before need to leave the house and don’t want to go all the way upstairs) went missing for no apparent reason and for the life of me for 2 days I could not figure out how to get the devil’s protection cap of pain off the new stick and in the meantime the stick destined to be the reserve stick actually did run out and I usedmyhusband’soldspicestick for 2 days. What is the point of those PPPoP’s if you can’t use them to lift off the cap?

  4. cheryl February 18, 2009 at 3:49 pm #

    Hahahaha!
    Sorry. I’m not laughing at your pain. I promise.

    I have 3 sticks in my mirror; and they are all about the same as yours, except I always take the cap thingy off first before sticking it in. I should have warned you!

  5. flip flop mama February 18, 2009 at 6:57 pm #

    That was hilarious! And no I don’t have a reserve. Just full sticks waiting to be used. I usually use them until the thing falls out and then I buy a new one or use DH’s.

  6. Susan M February 18, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    Ditto FlipFlopMama.

    Great post.

  7. madhousewife February 18, 2009 at 7:45 pm #

    That’s it. I’m just giving up blogging now and passing the torch. I LOL’d through this whole thing. And yes, I am now using “LOL” as though it were a word in itself and not an acronym for actual words.

    Sorry about your armpit.

  8. bythelbs February 18, 2009 at 9:13 pm #

    Mother—You are welcome.

    E—I believe all good things should begin dubiously.

    Evita—I love that you have a stick on each floor of your home. Now that’s thinkin’! And you’re right—you can’t even use the PPPoP’s to pull off the cap! You always end up having to twist up! What’s the point? Devil’s protection cap!

    Cheryl—It took me a full 5 seconds to figure out how you would store your 3 sticks in your mirror. I was envisioning some kind of Through the Looking Glass sitchee-ay-shun until the whole medicine cabinet thing dawned on me.

    Flip—My husband’s deoderant has a definite whiff of man to it. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable wearing it. But I have had the thing fall out of my stick, which renders it mostly useless unless you’re desperate enough to pick it up and apply it manually. (That sounded wrong somehow.)

    Susan—Thanks!

    madhousewife—I am very happy to have made you LOL, but that’s just crazy talk. Cra. Zee. Talk. And I thank you. And my armpit thanks you.

  9. annie valentine February 18, 2009 at 9:29 pm #

    I’m lucky if I remember deodorant at all. And I have been known to go a week between sticks. (I’ve also been known to take the broken pieces at the bottom of the stick and smush them together for a desperate attempt at the hand application method.)

  10. Alison Wonderland February 18, 2009 at 11:29 pm #

    I also occasionally forget deoderant (we’re not a smelly bunch in my family) and I think you might be a little bit crazy with the keeping the old sticks around. But you make me laugh and that’s all that really matters. Right?

  11. Alison Wonderland February 18, 2009 at 11:31 pm #

    Not that you are smelly. I wasn’t saying that. I was just saying that I’m not. Very. Not that you are very smelly. What I mean is… oh hey, what’s that?

  12. foofer February 19, 2009 at 8:03 am #

    I thought I’d post when I stopped laughing, but I’m still laughing. Sorry. But not really.

    Looking at the first picture, I thought the stick with the protective cap was the one that was used the most because it looked concave. Then I thought, “How the heck would it get concave? I know for a fact bythelbs doesn’t have Barbie armpits.” The close-up shot cleared all that up for me. Thank you.

  13. flip flop mama February 19, 2009 at 8:11 am #

    Well my DH wears ladies deodorant–yes, yes it’s true, so besides the fact that I get a headache from the smell when it’s on me, I won’t be smelling like man. But like Alison, I’m not very smelly so an occasional day without deodorant isn’t the worst thing.

  14. bythelbs February 19, 2009 at 3:13 pm #

    Annie—So glad to know I’m not the only one who has smushed and hand applicated.

    Alison—I really don’t know how badly I need the deoderant as I’ve pretty much never gone without it. It’s a preventative measure, I suppose. A just in case. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving the house without it—kind of like certain undergarments. And I find it impossible to be offended by you. 😉

    foofer—You’re welcome.

    Flip—What kind of ladies deoderant? Secret? Strong enough for a man?

  15. flip flop mama February 19, 2009 at 3:27 pm #

    Actually Dove. It all started when I decided to try a new scent. I’ve used the Dove Baby Powder for forever but wanted to try the “Fresh Scent” I think it is. Well it gave me a headache so into the cabinet it went. DH was having some stinky issues with his man deodorant and so somehow started using the Dove and it worked! He’s been using it ever since…

  16. thewoobdog February 20, 2009 at 11:48 am #

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! I do that! Except I have like 5 or 6 sticks and they’re all different kinds, because I’ll see one that looks interesting (like the vanilla-scented Secret gel) and buy it, then find out it’s not that great (ever walked around wondering what that weird smell following you was, only to realize it was the oddly-scented deodorant you applied?) (and I’m sorry, but gel deodorant just creeps me out. Your armpit should not EVER slither.)

    But I never, ever throw out any of the them – because one day I MIGHT have hit rock bottom on the stick I LIKE, and even the slippery slimy vanilla-smelling stick is better than walking around with my elbows clamped to my sides so no BO smells eek out…

  17. Julie February 21, 2009 at 10:51 pm #

    “My husband’s deoderant has a definite whiff of man to it.”
    So much better than a whiff of butt.

    And Flip, the fresh is my super uber duper favorite ever scent.

  18. flip flop mama February 22, 2009 at 6:44 pm #

    Fresh does smell good, but for some reason mixed with my skin it gives me a headache. I don’t even smell it on DH though which is so weird.

    And yes, definitely better than “whiff of butt” LOL

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Wacky search terms Wednesday—second special intervention edition « By the lbs - March 18, 2009

    […] look on the bright side—you can use that stick of deoderant down to the nub without fear of scrapage!  What I wouldn’t give for that.  Besides my concave armpits, of […]

  2. Foo4’s Favs – “Nuttiness By the lbs” « Bored Bunny - February 23, 2010

    […] I couldn’t really pick one favorite window into bythelbsia, but I’m rather fond of her deodorant post.  She’s also got some of the funniest kidspeak  stories I’ve ever heard/read.  Give […]

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