Wacky search terms Wednesday—second special intervention edition

18 Mar

You can find the first special intervention edition of WSTW here.

A friend of mine recently asked the question, “What are you contributing to the world?”  To be honest, I don’t rightly know.  But whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not enough.  So I’m going to try to do more—give more—right here, right now with another WSTW special intervention edition.  Sure, there are all kinds of freaks out there looking for all kinds of freaky answers to freakish questions, but who am I to judge?  We’ve all got problems.   We are all human and we all need to be loved.  Everybody does.  So I’m here for you, freaks (and I say that with the utmost love and respect because I am, after all, one of you).  I am here for you.

afraid of phone calls and cant stop pluc(king my eyebrows)—Bless your heart.  As if suffering from EPD weren’t enough.  First off, let me reassure you, it’s going to be OK.  I used to be you.  I used to think I couldn’t stop with the plucking, but I did.  And you can, too.  Admitting you have a problem is always the first step to recovery.  Set some boundaries.  Define a no-pluck zone then no-pluck it.  Allow yourself to pluck anywhere else, but do not under any circumstances enter that zone.  That’s the danger zone.  Once you cross that line, it’s a long road back, buddy.  A long road.  You can do it.  I believe in you.  Oh, and sorry, don’t know what to tell you about that phone call thing.

i am writing this mail to you with tears—You entered the danger zone, didn’t you.  It’s OK.  The first week or two is the hardest.  This is only a minor setback.  Reestablish the boundaries and try again.

just like everybody else—We are all special in our own way.  No two snowflakes are alike.  No two people are the same.  I’m sure there is something unique and wonderful about you.  Maybe your thing just isn’t as obvious as some.  Maybe it’s a little deeper down.  Just start digging, little buddy.  You’ll find it!  Just remember, in the immortal words of Mr. Fred McFeely Rogers, you are special.

step brothers molestation potholder—First, let me just say that you are very brave to come forward.  I know this must be a very difficult and awkward situation.  The most important thing is that you protect the potholders.  Get them to a safe place.  Then you can worry about getting your step brothers some professional help.  There is healing to be found.  But remember, protect the potholders!

help my computer chirps at random times—I can see how that would be annoying, but don’t panic.  I’m sure it’s nothing serious, like say, a bomb.  No, certainly not a bomb or anything like that.

how to get concave armpits—Um, I’m kind of at a loss here trying to imagine what kind of situation you’re in, but I recommend seeking professional help.  I would advise against the self-reconstruction of  the armpits.  It just doesn’t seem wise.  Or safe.  But good luck with that.  Feeling like you have a physical, um, abnormality(?) is hard.  If you discover there’s nothing to be done about it, look on the bright side—you can use that stick of deoderant down to the nub without fear of scrapage!  What I wouldn’t give for that.  Besides my concave armpits, of course.

i need club like everybody have—I know sometimes it seems like you’re the only outsider in a world full of cliques and clubs, but you’re not.  Really.  Everyone feels this way at some point, even those of us who appear to always be part of the group.  There are plenty of people looking for companionship and a sense of belonging.  Just look around for people with similar interests and/or needs.  Perhaps at an ESL class at your local community center?

im not a snack—That’s right!  Stand up for yourself!  You go, person!

flip flops make my knees throb—I’m no expert, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say maybe it’s time to buy a more sensible pair of shoes.  Nothin’ wrong with making a few sacrifices for fashion, but when you’re talking about your health and throbbing—throbbing can never be good.

evil devil foods—Be careful here.  They’ll pretend to be your BFFs—all tasty and delicious with their chocolatey and/or cheesy and/or sour cream and oniony goodness.  Don’t be fooled by that momentary comfort you find in that foil-lined bag.  It’s lies.  All lies.  They’re just using you.  They don’t care about you at all.  I’m sure you think you can stop whenever you want.  We all do at first.  But pretty soon you’ll find yourself lying in a gutter somewhere, elbow deep in neon orange cheese dust, ready to sell your soul for a 1.5 ounce snack bag.  You’re better than that.  You deserve better than that.  Believe it!

snorting crushed wintergreen mints get y—get you high?  get you minty fresh nostril breath?  Dude, just eat them.  Sure, it sounds fun and exciting—living life on the edge—but you never know what kind of long term damage you might do.  Don’t get sucked into that lifestyle.  It’s not as glamorous as it looks.  You’ll find no fulfillment there, I promise you.  If you need a more intense mint experience, trying sucking on like three at a time.  I guarantee you that’ll get the juices flowin’.

ill be the one flaring my nostrils uncon(sciously)—But you don’t have to be that one.  You really don’t.  You can kick that mint habit.  You. Can. Do it.  Believe it!

how big are the holes in a ped egg—About the same size as one of those mini cheese grater things.  Why do you ask?

mini cheese grater—Hold up now.  Jus, Just wait.  I’m all for home remedies and saving a few dollars and all that, but I do not recommend MacGuyvering the foot care.  Seriously.  I know it looks like a mini cheese grater, but it’s not.  I’m pretty sure it’s not.  Please, just spring for the $10 professional instrument.  Trust me, you’re worth it.

can you use a towel more than once after—I don’t exactly know where you’re going with this, but just to be on the safe side, let’s say no.  No.  NO.

why always me woes me—Why always woes me?  It’s woe is me, people.  Woe is me.  As in you are so woeful you have become one with the woe.  You is the woe.  I’m sorry for your pain and whatever, but sheesh, can we just get this right?  For once?  Seriously.


Speaking of seriously, you really should check out Susan M’s higher thinking and deeper feeling post, and give it some serious thought.  Happy Wednesday, everyone.


12 Responses to “Wacky search terms Wednesday—second special intervention edition”

  1. madhousewife March 18, 2009 at 11:16 am #

    “Don’t MacGuyver the foot care.” Words to live by.

  2. Julie March 18, 2009 at 11:27 am #

    “Perhaps at an ESL class at your local community center?” — My favorite line of this whole post.

    My favorite WST lately has been: Looking after 2 year old every day all day and going mad

    I totally feel their pain.

    One more thing, I have to admit that when I read that the holes were the same size as the mini-cheese grater I thought, “Well then why buy the ped-egg?” But then I thought, “Eeeeew! You could NEVER use that cheese grater EVER again regardless of the number of sanitizing cycles through the dishwasher.” Yes, invest in the PedEgg, People, just do it.

  3. Julie March 18, 2009 at 11:28 am #

    Whoops, my html attempt backfired on me. Hmmmmm….Let’s try that again…

    This is what I want bolded//

    Not this

  4. Julie March 18, 2009 at 11:29 am #

    Crap. Well, I’ve got some work to do on that one. Sorry to have bugged you with my feeble attempts.

  5. bythelbs March 18, 2009 at 11:34 am #

    Mad—I feel like I’ve made my contribution for the day then.

    Julie—The end tag on the bolding should be one backslash before the b inside the bracket thingies. And that’s an excellent WST. Got any other gems? You should do your own post.

  6. Kamilli Vanilli March 18, 2009 at 11:38 am #

    You are so wise, bythelbs, so wise….

  7. Janelle March 18, 2009 at 12:00 pm #

    Super funny. And contributory. I liked both this and Susan’s post.

  8. Julie March 18, 2009 at 12:13 pm #

    Okay, so this is bold

    This is not.


  9. Julie March 18, 2009 at 12:14 pm #


    See, you contribute to the world…if anyone ever says you don’t, just hold up my new HTML skillz as proof.

  10. Susan M March 18, 2009 at 12:30 pm #

    “You is the woe.” Brilliant!

  11. Mother of the Wild Boys March 18, 2009 at 5:41 pm #

    I’m so grateful that you sent me a real PedEgg and not just a mini cheese grater!

  12. Alison Wonderland March 19, 2009 at 12:14 am #

    Stop talking about the ped egg!!!!!

    Seriously, it gives me the willies.

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