No solicitors please

14 Apr

My husband forwarded me this message he got from a Facebook “friend” (names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty):

Subject: Wedding Surprise Help!?!

Dear Friends of Jorge & Elektra,
As many of you may know I am getting married soon. Elektra is a wonderful young woman who is everything I’ve ever wanted. Because of my current circumstances I am unable to buy her a nice wedding gift. I am writing this to see, if possible, if any of you can donate just $10 to us so that I can buy her the thing that she wants most. The thing she wants is a nice Kitchen Aid Mixer. She loves to bake and cook in the kitchen but without the right tools she get frustrated, so I wanted to get this for her as a wedding gift.

If you can, please go to (website) and donate just $10 so that I can have something nice for her to enjoy after we come back from the honeymoon. On the site just put in (a number) as our registry number and then using a Credit card you can donate.

I want to thank you all in advance for your generous help. You have all been great friends to Elektra and I.
Thanks,
Jorge

p.s. Don’t let Elektra know about this email. I want it to be a surprise.

A little background: Jorge was a missionary who served in our area a few years back.  Chuck served in our church congregation as mission leader for several years, so he has a few former missionaries as Facebook friends.  So we kind of know him.  Actually, one time when Chuck was giving this Elder and his companion a ride home after eating dinner at our house, he pulled out his camera and took a picture of DynaGirl in her carseat (she was three at the time).  Chuck thought that was kind of odd, but whatever.  Then the next time he goes to pick up the Elders from their apartment, he sees that this Elder has that picture of DynaGirl framed on his desk.  Super odd!  And creepy!  We didn’t know what we were supposed to do about that, and then he was transferred to a different area before we made up our minds.

Does anyone else find this more than a little tacky or is it just me?  See, my eyes read that, but my mind sees:

Subject: Wedding Surprise Help!?!

Dear Friends of Jorge & Elektra,
As many of you may know I am getting married soon. (For those of you who didn’t know it’s because you’re not invite-worthy.  But you’re certainly “can you give us a handout since we’re such good friends” worthy.) Elektra is a wonderful young woman who is everything I’ve ever wanted. (See, she is really deserving.)  Because of my current circumstances I am unable to buy her a nice wedding gift. (I’ve blown all my money on pyramid schemes and video games.)  I am writing this to see, if possible, if any of you can donate just $10 to us so that I can buy her the thing that she wants most.  (I need to sweeten the deal a bit.)  The thing she wants is a nice Kitchen Aid Mixer. She loves to bake and cook in the kitchen but without the right tools she get frustrated (that’s what he said), so I wanted to get this for her as a wedding gift. (Don’t just give us a gift, help me buy a gift that I can put my name on and get all the credit for.)

If you can, please go to (website) and donate just $10 (just the price of two lattes, you selfish b*******) so that I can have something nice for her to enjoy after we come back from the honeymoon. (She’s probably going to need some consolation.) On the site just put in (a number) as our registry number and then using a Credit card you can donate. (No personal checks, please)

I want to thank you all in advance for your generous help. You have all been great friends to Elektra and I. (Great friends give money.)
Thanks,
Jorge (Prince of Nigeria)

p.s. Don’t let Elektra know about this email. I want it to be a surprise.  (I don’t want Elektra to know it isn’t from me.  Plus she’d be totally mortified if she knew I was panhandling on the internets.)

Apparently, it’s snarky Tuesday.  Wow, sometimes I think I’m really not a very nice person.  That’ll teach Jorge to ask for a favor when it’s that time of the month.  Don’t mind me.  Just go about your business in your usual generous, compassionate way while I slather on the SPF 5000.

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19 Responses to “No solicitors please”

  1. cheryl April 14, 2009 at 9:55 am #

    That whole email is just WRONG. Tacky, yes. Rude, yes. Completely insane, yes. But mostly wrong.

    If you can’t afford to buy your wife an expensive wedding gift, then DON’T BUY IT. Save your freakin’ money and buy it for her at your one year anniversary. Seriously??

    I get so angry when people are like this –mostly because Brandon and I were so VERY poor when we got married and we were JUST FINE. And who NEEDS a nice mixer? Like right now? Who NEEDS that? It’s just a want.

    I could go on and on and on all day at how awful this email is/was, but I’ll stop there. Just know that I’m with you! Snarkiness and all (although I would never say it to their faces. I’m sure that still makes me a bad person –gossip and all –but whatever).

  2. tawnya April 14, 2009 at 10:04 am #

    1. REGISTER for the darned mixer, not cash. Seriously tacky email.

    1b. And sent out via FB no less? Oi.

    2. SUPER creepy about the photo. Ew.

    3. I really, really, really wish their names were actually Jorge & Elektra. In my heart of hearts, they are.

  3. diana banana April 14, 2009 at 10:16 am #

    totally prince of nigeria….how funny. and elektra??? where the names ACTUALLY changed to protect the innocent? if yes, you’re awesome, if no….too bad. (the only reason that I would doubt is Elektra….who comes up with Elektra?)

  4. Annahannah April 14, 2009 at 10:18 am #

    I laughed out loud when I got to the “prince of Nigeria”. Alleged Nigerians have tried so many times to scam me.

    I agree with Cheryl. The reason we are in a crisis is because people think they deserve more than they can afford.

    Doel Elektra not facebook?? What a way to keep a secret.

  5. bythelbs April 14, 2009 at 10:27 am #

    cheryl—But she gets frustrated without the proper tools, see?

    tawnya—2. I know, right? 3. I’m actually thinking Jorge and Elektra are too cool of names for them.

    diana—I can actually take the credit for Elektra.

    Anna—“The reason we are in a crisis is because people think they deserve more than they can afford.” Word.

  6. Mother of the Wild Boys April 14, 2009 at 10:45 am #

    I don’t even have one of those mixers…and I was a deserving bride NINE years ago! That’s just tacky. I thought registering for gift cards was the bottom of the barrel, but this is like down with the worms in the dirt below the barrel.

    PS-Your version of the letter is so awesome…I might send you $10! 😉

  7. shazza April 14, 2009 at 11:24 am #

    what they said.

    and NICE Michael Scott-ing.

    and I would probably be meaner about it than you; pass the sunscreen…

  8. bythelbs April 14, 2009 at 11:39 am #

    Mother—Thank you in advance for the $10. You have been a great friend to me.

    Shazza—I have become the biggest perv with the MS-ing. I just can’t help myself.

    Did anyone else exchange wedding gifts with their husbands? I gave my husband my *********. I guess I didn’t feel the need to provide him with anything else.

  9. bythelbs April 14, 2009 at 11:41 am #

    And by *********, I mean heeaarrrt, of course.

  10. tawnya April 14, 2009 at 11:42 am #

    I was TOTALLY thinking you meant heart…

  11. tawnya April 14, 2009 at 11:42 am #

    And, yeah. Add “exchanging bride / groom gifts” to my post today. Totally fits.

  12. Kamilli Vanilli April 14, 2009 at 12:45 pm #

    That is pathetic. Really, really pathetic. yet another entitled person who thinks the world owes him. He just really wants his dear wife to make him delicious cookies without getting frustrated… Oh, I feel so sorry for the poor dear.

    I want to know which Elder you speak of. And the photo thing of DynaGirl? Totally creepy. I mean, she’s a totally cute girl and all…but that’s weird.

    That is really annoying. I don’t blame you for being disturbed by it. I hate it when people think of a gift they want to give someone, decide they don’t have enough money for it, and then solicit others to pitch in. Seen it done more than once, and I think it’s ridiculous.

  13. flip flop mama April 14, 2009 at 1:37 pm #

    Totally tacky.

    “(Don’t just give us a gift, help me buy a gift that I can put my name on and get all the credit for.)”

    That says it all.

    Oh and I gave my DH my “heart” too. We didn’t exchange gifts.

  14. boquinha April 14, 2009 at 2:31 pm #

    So. Many. Comments. This post . . . these comments . . . So. Much. To. Say.

    I was just starting to come around to the idea of joining Facebook today. But this post made me run screaming. Even though I’m sure this isn’t typical FB behavior. I bet FB would give me such blog fodder, though. Hmmmm.

    We’re celebrating our 13th anniversary this year and I just got a Kitchenaid.

    We didn’t exchange gifts either except for *************. We exchanged that, too.

    Love the names. Yesterday, I was facilitating a class on anxiety. I was sharing a story and coming up with names to protect the innocent. One of the women suggested a name for the bimbo, sleazy mistress in the story. And, unbeknownst to her, she suggested my MIL’s name. That was fun.

  15. bythelbs April 14, 2009 at 2:51 pm #

    Kamilli—I’ll call you with Jorge’s real name. Though, you probably won’t remember him. We only remember him because he creeped us out with the picture thing.

    Flip—It’s so comforting to know it’s not just me. Only you gave him your “heart”? You didn’t exchange “hearts”? JK. I don’t actually want to know.

    Boquinha—The only reason I have a Kitchenaid is because my mother left me hers when she died. So was that name suggestion appropriate then? JK. I don’t actually want to know.

  16. Alison Wonderland April 14, 2009 at 9:29 pm #

    They’re going on a honemoon but he doesn’t have the cash for a mixer? Well, he wouldn’t want to miss the honeymoon, that’s fun for him too.

  17. Susan M April 14, 2009 at 10:16 pm #

    I had no idea mixers were so expensive.

  18. bythelbs April 15, 2009 at 12:10 am #

    Alison—Good point.

    Susan—Well, the nice ones are. Only the best for Elektra. Otherwise she gets frustrated. You can’t “cook” in the “kitchen” without the proper “tools”, you know.

    I mentioned to Chuck about us not even getting an official wedding announcement/invite, and he said that he did receive a Facebook Event announcement for the wedding complete with RSVP buttons. I asked him if there was a “hell no” button. Apparently, there is not. Note to FB programmers: If you’re going to bother with “improving” FB, you could at least provide us with better/more appropriate RSVPing buttons.

  19. madhousewife April 15, 2009 at 9:53 am #

    That is hilarious!

    And wrong, of course. So very, very wrong.

    But hilarious!

    (Jorge aka Prince of Nigeria – hahahaha!)

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