Phooey on phood

28 Apr

Sunday a friend of mine at church said, “Are you shrinking? You look like you’re shrinking. Are you shrinking on purpose?” I assured her that I was not really shrinking. Perhaps I was on the down swing of my 5-6 lb up/down pendulum, but no doubt in a couple weeks I’d be right back up again.

Truth be told, I have wanted to lose 10-15 lbs for the past 10-15 years. Chuck’s taking me to Hawaii for our 15th anniversary in June, and I thought it would be nice to make the trip with just a little less me. I don’t think I look bad, but I think I could look better. And I’ve been thinking I would enjoy the process of swimsuit shopping a little more hate the process of swimsuit shopping a little less if there was just a little less me.

But I certainly haven’t made any concerted effort or “diet plan” or anything.  If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I’m programmed for complete diet failure.  Complete.  Failure.  I think we’ve had this conversation before over the Christmas fudge.  Anyway, I’ve just been trying to cut down a bit—maybe have one piece of toast instead of two, two cookies instead of twelve.  You know, little stuff.  And it’s been kind of working until my sweet friend had to open up her big mouth on Sunday.  Her innocent and even complimentary shrinking remark triggered my body’s screw itself mode, and last night I found myself sick.  And disgusted.  And all around oogie-feeling.

The day started out innocently enough.  I had a bowl of Special K.  I like Special K.  It’s crispy and ricey.  A little while later I had a small handful of almonds.  A few nuts are good for you, right?  Protein and stuff.  Then a little while later I felt a little grumbly in the tumbly so I had a 90 calorie cereal bar.  I had a box of them in the food storage in the garage and it seemed like a safe snack.  Less than an hour later I found myself in front of the pantry again.  This time I had a spoonful of peanut butter.  A teaspoonful isn’t so bad, eh?  More protein.  Fifteen minutes later (it was lunch time then—time for lunch!) I decided to make myself a couple of eggs sans toast.  Heaven knows I love me some eggs, but it’s not exactly the best taste to leave in your mouth.  I should have brushed my teeth or popped a tic-tac or something, but no, it was back to the pantry for more almonds.  Almonds are salty, though, see?  So I needed a little somethin-somethin to balance that out.  Enter the mint oreos.  I just had one.  Then two minutes later I had three more.  At this point, it was about 12:15 pm.

I managed to go another two hours before breaking out the popcorn.  It was healthy pop, mind you, which as far as I’m concerned is like eating nothing because it doesn’t really taste good.  Isn’t that how it should work?  If you don’t actually enjoy the food, it shouldn’t count as actual eating?  I think that should be one of the slides on those weight watcher point calculators.  You’ve got the calories and the grams of fat and the taste scale.  Obviously, “delicious” jacks the points way up, whereas “tasteless styrofoam” automatically negates all of the other factors.  I guess as long as I’m pretending I should make the delicious food count for nothing, but that would just be too good to be true, and even I’m not that delusional.  So I had a bag of healthy pop kettle corn.  Not one of those mini-single serving bags.  An entire bag.

I was set for another whole hour, and then it was back to the peanut butter.  Another spoonful.  I did manage to resist the urge to put chocolate chips on it.  Then I did my marathon stretch of non-eating and stayed out of the kitchen for two and a half hours until it was time to make dinner.  I’m not a big fan of making dinner.  I stared at the fridge and the freezer and the pantry for several minutes.  Then I went out to the garage and stared at the food shelves for a good long while.  Funny how nothing really sounds good to cook let alone eat when you’ve been eating crap all day.  I finally settled on tacos, and while I was chopping and dicing and browning and stirring, I probably consumed a good three dozen tortilla chips.  Because, you know, they were there.  On the counter.  And heaven forbid I should not eat something when it’s just sitting there.

By the time I put dinner on the table, I felt good and sick, but I still managed to eat two tacos and some beans and some more tortilla chips.  Then as I was clearing my plate I passed the oreos that one of my children had very thoughtfully left on the counter, and I had another one of those.  Yeah, just one.  Because it was the last one.  I spent the rest of the night in a terrible, terrible mood.

Last night I had a dream.  Our family was going on a road trip.  I don’t remember where.  We packed all kinds of food and snacks for the trip, including two big boxes of brown sugar and cinnamon poptarts.  (I don’t even like poptarts.  Maybe that’s why I packed them because I could eat as many as I wanted and it wouldn’t count as actual eating because I wouldn’t enjoy it.)  We stopped at a small restaurant for breakfast.  I don’t know why we were stopping for breakfast when we’d just barely started driving, but we did.  The place was called Mother’s and looked like a nice, cozy little family owned restaurant.  They seated us almost immediately, and then we sat at the table and waited for the waitress to take our order.  We waited and waited.  Finally, after about an hour I went to complain.  The waitress told me with a super fake and patronizing smile that she was sorry, but they were really busy and she was the only one working.  She’d be with us soon.  A half an hour later, she came to our table.  I said, “We’ve been waiting for an hour and a half to place our order!”  She said, “It has not been an hour and a half.”  I looked at my watch and said, “Well an hour and 22 minutes then.”  Then she started to take our order, but left halfway through.  She never came back.  We were still just sitting there when I woke up this morning.  And I woke up super pissed.

What do you think it all means? 

What did you eat yesterday? 



21 Responses to “Phooey on phood”

  1. Mother of the Wild Boys April 28, 2009 at 11:22 am #

    Ooh, I love the food collage…you’re so creative. That makes your yesterday’s menu look almost artistic or something.

  2. bythelbs April 28, 2009 at 11:28 am #

    Or something.

    Looking at the pics, I’m noticing a startling lack of fresh fruits and veggies. It’s all grains and fats. No greens. Well, not unless I can count that delicious mint filling.

  3. shazza April 28, 2009 at 12:25 pm #

    Now I’m hungry…

  4. bythelbs April 28, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

    Sorry, Shaz!

  5. Amanda D April 28, 2009 at 1:14 pm #

    I had the same day yesterday. I started out good with a slimfast. But then I was still hungry so I had a muffin. Then there was two more ingested. Then we had lunch at Costco. Then I took the kids to the last movie of the matinee program and we had to have popcorn. Then we came home and had the chicken and rice that I had prepared. Then I was something sweet so I ate a handful of cereal. My tummy was mighty upset with me.

    But, today’s a new day. Thank goodness. 🙂

  6. Amanda D April 28, 2009 at 1:15 pm #

    The green oreo filling totally counts! That’s the only way an Oreo is worth eating!

  7. E April 28, 2009 at 1:15 pm #

    2900 calories-but my internet connection appears to be down so I had to completely guess on the popcorn. And I’m guessing that you exaggerated on the chips which was your highest calorie item for the day. So, all in all, not horrendous.

    The food collage is awesome!

  8. madhousewife April 28, 2009 at 1:21 pm #

    Yesterday is a blur. Stupid food.

  9. bythelbs April 28, 2009 at 1:30 pm #

    Amanda—Yes, today’s a new day. So far I’ve had a bowl of cereal and a single plate of nachos. I’m feeling pretty good.

    E—2900 calories, eh? I have no idea how good or bad that is. I’m pretty sure I was not exaggerating on the chips. And thanks, I’m thinking if I make a food collage every day that might be a decent weight loss strategy. Who wants to see what they’ve eaten every day laid out in front of them like that?

    Mad—Yeah, stupid.

  10. cheryl April 28, 2009 at 2:22 pm #

    I ate food. How much or how little, I do not know –I’m not really paying attention right now. I should, though. They biggest pregnancy myth out there (besides all the other ones) is that one should eat for two. One and 1/3, maybe. But two?
    No way, Jose.
    It just makes your butt fat. Who needs a fat butt when the fetus is already doin’ it to the belly? (and thighs? and arms?)

  11. bythelbs April 28, 2009 at 2:25 pm #

    Cheryl—Your fetus travels to your thighs and arms?!

  12. foofer April 28, 2009 at 7:00 pm #

    I love me a good spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate chips. I like to use one of those serving spoons (not the cafeteria size, but the larger ones you get in a set of flatware — not larger than the cafeteria size, but larger than the regular tablespoons) and fill a cup with chocolate chips. The rule is that you can dip back into the cup of chocolate chips all you want (without refilling it), but you can’t double dip in the peanut butter jar. The idea being that it’s too much trouble to go get another spoon. When I don’t have chocolate chips, I use a knife to spread the peanut butter on a chocolate bar. Unfortunately, since the knife never goes in my mouth, I can dip into the peanut butter all I want. How on earth did I go down a size in jeans? No clue.

  13. bythelbs April 28, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    Down a whole jeans size, eh? I like the sound of your chocolate peanut butter diet, Foofer.

  14. Kamilli Vanilli April 28, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    Screw the diet! Buy yourself some cute board shorts to go over your cute swim suit, and call it a day. No one will ever know may or may not lie beneath them!

  15. boquinha April 29, 2009 at 6:55 am #

    Ah, the sweet-salty-sweet cycle. I know it well (though I lean salty). As evidenced by my PMS post. Maybe you’re PMSing?

  16. tawnya April 29, 2009 at 7:07 am #

    Ah man. I do unhealthy the other way. I tend to forget to eat breakfast and / or lunch regularly (and yes…I mean forget) and then wonder why I’m hungry about 4 and devour a bag of Quakes. Or lime tostitoes. Sigh.

  17. Julie April 29, 2009 at 10:08 am #

    I wish I remembered what I ate yesterday. I really don’t know, which is why I’m on the upper end of my 5-6 lbs pendulum.

  18. boquinha April 29, 2009 at 10:10 am #

    I just consumed 3T of raw chocolate chip cookie dough. But it has pecans in it (out of walnuts), so that’s protein.

  19. boquinha April 30, 2009 at 6:30 pm #

    After some thought, I think your dream was about me, because I like Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop-Tarts (even if I haven’t eaten one in like a year).

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