Archive | November, 2009

Special Report

30 Nov

Thanksgiving did not suck. 

There was low fat pumpkin cheesecake, and it was delicious.

Also, I did not overeat.

And Blackberry Fusion jello is my new best friend.

How was your holiday?

Day before Thanksgiving woes

25 Nov

I need to go to Walmart.  I know what you’re thinking, there can’t possibly be any reason on God’s green earth compelling enough to justify a trip to Walmart the day before Thanksgiving.  The thing is, I promised DynaGirl that I would make her pumpkin cookies for Thanksgiving dessert.  These special pumpkin cookies (the ones my allergy stricken children can eat) require a spice cake mix.  But not just any old spice cake mix.  No, no, no.  I need a particular brand of cake mix because all of the other brands have milk in them.  And naturally, the only store in our town that carries the particular brand I need also happens to be the only store that I particularly avoid at all costs.  The sacrifices we make for our children.

We typically get together with my oldest sister and her family for Thanksgiving.  It makes sense, seeing how they live just three miles down the road.  We share the meal responsibilities.  We each make a turkey.  I make the potatoes, rolls, jello and a dessert.  She makes the stuffing, green beans, yams and pumpkin pie.  This past year her husband has had some health concerns, which have resulted in changes in their lifestyle and diet.  Instead of my sister’s delicious homemade stuffing (the part of the meal I look forward to the most), we will be having low sodium Stove Top.  There will be no bacony, sweet and soury green beans.  There will be no pumpkin pie.  The yams will not be candied (which is actually fine since as far as I’m concerned yams are a non-food group).  And yes, I’m perfectly aware that there are starving people living under bridges who would gladly give their right pinkies for low sodium Stove Top and bacon-free green beans, but we’re talking about me right now.

While waiting for my girls to get out of school yesterday, I had a brief conversation with the mother of one of Goose’s little friends.  We were having a perfectly lovely conversation until she casually mentioned that she had their turkey thawing in the bathtub.  IN THE BATHTUB.  She further explained that they do this every year, and if it’s not fully thawed by Wednesday night, they just run warm water into the tub.  Thanks to her, I don’t even think I’ll be able to enjoy my turkey this year.

In short, Thanksgiving will suck.

But I am grateful for all of you and hope you have a lovely day of gratitude and thanksgiving.  Please know I will be thinking of you as I’m choking down my fat free pumpkin-like dessert.

Making me laugh this morning

23 Nov

*On my Comcast home page:

I’m not sure I understand.  Is there supposed to be some kind of implied warning here?  Get educated or end up like this?  Or with this?  Are they trying to say Jesus told Obama to ask moms to return to school?  Explain please.

 

*A good bloggy friend of mine, WoobDog, shared this link with me today:

amazon.com

In case you haven’t already seen this, you have to read the reviews to reach full enjoyment potential.

A few of my favorites:

16,467 of 16,618 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Dual Function Design, November 10, 2008
By B. Govern “Bee-Dot-Govern” (New Jersey, USA) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

 

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Chuck Norris Owns One, November 21, 2009
By John M. Simmons “Outlaw Programmer” (Guarding the Texas Border) – See all my reviews

How do I know? I gave him a Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee after I kicked his a*s so that he could at least LOOK like more of a man instead of standing there – bleeding.

 

496 of 507 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Video Proof of the Shirts Power!, May 27, 2009
By D. Drury “Three Wolf Man” (Haines, AK United States) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

The Three Wolf Moon shirts power is obvious. This video is living proof that you will get women, and fly. Most importantly my son was born without bones and when I put this shirt on him he grew bones. Don’t ask me how it happened but the magic is there. I wish I could hug the designer of this shirt and thank them for everything they have done for my family.

 

Some not so happy customers:

1,725 of 1,869 people found the following review helpful:
I think some of the benefits are exagerrated, May 8, 2009
By Go Down, Moses (Austin, Texas) – See all my reviews

So I got this wolf shirt because of, you know, the sweet wolves on it.

However, having owned this shirt for three weeks now and having tried it out in a variety of situations, both formal and informal, I’m beginning to believe that some of the benefits —- as described by other reviewers —- are exaggerated. For example, not ONE supermodel has approached me. Some of you may be used to having supermodels approach you on a regular basis but, believe me, I am not: I would notice one should she appear in my vicinity.

Similarly, I have not been invited to a vision quest, even though I wore my wolf shirt in New Mexico.

There is one thing, though, and that is that whenever I wear the wolf shirt I have a lot less issues with involuntary urination. I have not studied it long enough, however, to establish a cause/effect relationship.

Once, however, while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on “One Day at a Time.”

So I guess the jury is still out.

 

127 of 145 people found the following review helpful:
Defective!!!, May 21, 2009
By Matthew D. Shanahan – See all my reviews

I ordered this shirt for my brother’s birthday and it only had TWO wolves on it. When I called Amazon customer service they informed me that the third wolf was on back order. They said the could ship me out another moon, but that would make for a ridiculous t-shirt.

I recommend staying away from this one.

 

What’s making you laugh lately?

Thanks for the chuckles, Woob!

Only in my dreams

17 Nov

So the other night I had this dream that was so bizarre that I felt compelled to write it all down when I woke up.

I was taking a road trip with three other gals in a car.  I didn’t recognize them.  Well, in my dream I must have known them, but I can’t think of who they would be in real life.  The girl driving the car was lesbian.  I had a very distinct feeling she was interested in me.  Very interested.  There were two more girls in back.  I don’t know what their “interests” were.  I was sitting in the front passenger seat with bags of leftover Halloween candy on the floor.  I remember thinking we were almost out of the good stuff, so I was glad that the bags were by me.  We were driving down the road at night.

I don’t know where we were planning to go, but the friend driving (who I was pretty sure was crushing on me–majorly crushing) had to make a stop along the way to return her Halloween costume.  She had been a sexy pirate wench, but when we got to the costume place, the costume she returned was not a sexy pirate wench.  It was a flesh colored furry body suit with a hat/mask that looked like the guy from Fat Albert who had the long stocking cap pulled over most of his head, only instead of being a stocking cap, it looked like it was made out of banana peels.  The dude at the costume place was trying to pick up on her, which I thought was funny since she was a lesbian and totally not interested, if you know what I mean.

As we were walking back to the car from the costume place, I was trying to decide how I should tell my lesbian friend I did not return her feelings.  I did not want to embarrass her in front of our other two friends, but I wasn’t sure how wise it would be to ask to be with her alone.  I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea or false hope or anything.  I wanted to let her down easy so we could still be friends.  For some reason, it was taking us a long time to walk back to our car.  We had to go up a flight of stairs and through a field.  While walking through the field, I spotted a small, ceramic house sitting on the ground.  I pointed at it and said, “Oh look!”  My friends all stopped to look, but I kept walking.

When I finally got to the car, it was parked in some kind of RV campground with RVs and trailers and stuff.  I caught an Asian girl burying the tires of our car in dirt.  I thought, “What the?”  I mean, what the H was she doing burying our car tires??  It looked like the car was up on some kind of embankment, and I decided I needed to pull it down so we could get out of there.

I unburied the tires then got down from the embankment to pull the car down from behind.  Only when I started pulling the car down, it was no longer a car, but a picnic table (like others scattered around this RV campground) covered with art projects and little tubs of paint and paint brushes.  This eccentric, middle-aged artist-type lady came up to me and said that our little tubs of paint were inadequate to finish our art projects, but that she had some in her trailer that she would gladly let us use.

I followed her into her trailer and she went into another room while I looked around.  She had a shelf of stuffed animals she had made out of yarn pom poms.  I leaned in to admire one particularly life-like siamese cat yarn pom pom stuffed animal and was just about to tell the eccentric middle-aged artist lady how impressed I was with her handiwork, when the cat suddenly jumped out, scaring the crap out of me.

Then I woke up.

What could it mean?  Do I want to take a road trip?  Dress up as a furry banana peel head next Halloween?  Become an artist?

Do I subconsciously distrust Asians?

Could I be a lesbian??  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

What are you dreaming of lately?

Things to scratch off the bucket list

13 Nov

#381: See Scar do a double axel in spandex.

 

IMG_2691

 

IMG_2692

 

I wasn’t prepared.

Potty humor

9 Nov

Last month on our trip to the pumpkin patch, DynaGirl insisted I take a picture of this:

IMG_2535

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A closer look:

IMG_2536

 

That’s all I have to say about that.

Diseased and Confused

6 Nov

I don’t know what is going on with my face, but I’ve developed these dry patches on both eyelids, around the corners of my mouth and all along my jaw line.  I haven’t been using any different products or eaten anything different lately or done anything else I can think of to warrant this kind of facial sloughery.  I moisturize multiple times a day.  It’s not helping.  And now my neck itches.  Woe is me!

Yesterday, while I was in the shower I had the chorus to DM’s Shake the Disease stuck on repeat in my head.  But I’d only get as far as:

Here is a plea
from my heart to you
nobody knows me
as well as you do

And then I would switch to Phil Collins’ Against All Odds:

But to wait for you is all I can do
and that’s what I’ve got to face

It was like one of those mash-ups they do on Glee where they take two songs that seem to be completely unrelated and meld them into one. So I was on this repeat cycle of:

Here is a plea
from my heart to you
nobody knows me
as well as you do
But to wait for you is all I can do
and that’s what I’ve got to face

And for the life of me I couldn’t get out of it.  Maddening, I tell you.  Maddening!

What songs would you like to see mashed up?