Archive | December, 2009

Dear Goose

29 Dec

A couple of months ago, I wrote this letter for Goose as part of her week as the special star student of her class.  I had to change it just a bit to fit her alias, which makes it a little odd here and there, but you’ll get the gist.

Dear Goose,

The best Christmas present we ever received came four days late on December 29, 2001, the day you were born. For a while, I wanted to name you Lauren Goose, but Dad and Mr. T thought Goose Lauren was better. They were right. Goose fits you perfectly because it stands for all of the wonderful things we love most about you.

G is for Gravy

You are the saucy goodness that keeps our lives from being bland or boring. Your silly jokes and songs make us laugh. We love to hear your stories—the ones about your day, the ones you’ve made up, the ones you dream at night. You have a great imagination. Sometimes you say things that are so funny or cute that I hurry to write them down, so I don’t forget. Everything is more fun when you’re around!

O is for Oh so loving

You have a very kind heart. When someone is sad, you try to make them feel better. You give warm hugs and sincere compliments. You try to be helpful, especially when someone is having a hard time. When we go away, even if it’s just for a trip to the store, you let us know how much we were missed. You always say thank you. And we love the little love notes you leave for us.

O is for Oh so smart

You have always been very bright, learning new things quickly and doing them well. You are an amazing reader and writer. If you aren’t really good at something right away, sometimes you get frustrated. But you don’t like to give up, and will keep trying and working until you get it just right. Your determination and ability to figure things out on your own is one of the things we admire most about you.

S is for Spirited

We love how lively you are! You get excited about things, and your enthusiasm helps us get more excited, too. You are also very brave, always willing to try new things: roller coasters, wave runners, new gymnastics tricks. You even taught yourself to ride a bicycle without training wheels! Sometimes it makes us nervous to watch you, but we admire your courage and confidence.

E is for Exceptional

You are a very talented artist, athlete and musician. You draw beautiful pictures, do excellent handstands, and rock the singing and drumming on Rock Band. Now you’re learning to play the piano, too! But even more important than the great things that you do, is the great person you are. You bring smiles to our faces and happiness to our home. There is no one else quite like you, and no one who could ever take your place.

Happy Birthday, Goose!

We love you,

Mom and Dad

Bad candy

18 Dec

I told myself I would not be buying any holiday candy this year because I just don’t need that kind of temptation.  But I was in need of a little sumthin-sumthin to fill out the teacher gift bags, so I picked up a bag of Hershey’s Bliss Creme de Menthe Meltaway Centers.

Normally, I enjoy the menthe.  Those little Andes mints they bring you with the check at Olive Garden?  My favorite part of the meal.  So I popped one of those babies into my mouth fully anticipating minty goodness.  Not so, my friends.  Not so.  Blech.  Blickety-blech. 

These were not bliss.  They were like the opposite of bliss, which would be what?  Sorrow?  Unhappiness?  Misery?  Yes, misery.  These are misery mints.

Guaranteed to hobble your tastebuds.

I personally recommend you not go there, though a quick search on the internets revealed quite a few people who would disagree with me (see link above), so maybe it’s just me.  At least I hope so because I still gifted them to all of the girls’ teachers.

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special greatest hits edition

16 Dec

This special greatest hits WSTW is from this week last year—you know, back when I was still occasionally trying, or at least special occasionally trying. 

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special holiday edition

This post title may be a tad misleading, as there is nothing especially holidayish about this WSTW other than the fact that it will have been written during the holiday season. I’m just trying to get in the spirit of the season. Plus doesn’t “special holiday edition” sound more intriguing and/or festive than “nuthin special edition”?

is a unibrow park of puberty—Originally I thought this was a typo. Surely “park” was meant to be “part”. Except seeing how the “k” is, in fact, nowhere near the “t” on the keyboard, I can only assume that some poor adolescent googler did indeed mean “park”. And that being the case, methinks some poor adolescent googler’s parents might be taking the whole “birds and bees, flowers and trees” analogy a wee bit far. But who am I to tell anyone how to raise their child? This is a very sensitive issue for most, so I’ll play along to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes or popping anyone’s protective bubble of euphemismia. Yes, young one, I believe in the park of puberty grass begins to grow in places where grass has not heretofore grown, including the area betwixt the eyebrows, or rather, the area that should be betwixt the eyebrows, which is to say that there should be a betwixt, which would require two of something for there to be something else in between. So if there is no longer any betwixting in the eyebrowal region, then I might suggest mowing the lawn, so to speak, as I’m afraid that there is but one who can pull off the unibrow, and that one, of course, would be Bert. Just be careful as you’re manicuring your lawn that you don’t go overboard. Gentle landscaping, young one. Gentle landscaping.

impressive sock monkey—Is there any other kind?

sock monkey cool’—Word.

hot sock monkey—Oh, come now. Don’t go trying to pervify innocence in its purest form.

monkey out of crack—Are you trying to make a monkey out of crack? Or is your monkey stuck in a crack and you need advice on how to extract him? What kind of crack? Sidewalk? Cocaine? Bum? We can’t proceed without further details.

doctor sock monkey—Are you looking for a doctor for your sock monkey or a sock monkey who practices medicine? Again, details people, details. Kind of important. Or perhaps this is a pet name for someone? I’m hearing Barry White, “You can call me Dr. Sock Monkey, baby. Yeah.”

unicorn picter—Hmmm. No unicorn “picters” here, but if unicorns are really your thing, may I direct you here? (Thanks for the link, Mad. Pure awesome.)

“pond scene” austen—You mean this pond scene? In that case, it should really be “pond scene” awesome. (Also, you have to check this out:)

grils pees—Grills peas? Girls pees? Girls please? I’m stumped.

sorry poems i called you someone else’s—Pulling a Ross there? I’m not certain a poem is going to make up for calling your significant other the wrong name. It might depend on the context. Were you asking for her to please pass the grilled peas or were you in a more romantical situation, if you know what I mean? Or wait, are you apologizing to the poems?

“cause I’m a winner no not a loser”—Self-affirmation can be a very helpful tool in the quest for a healthy self image. Try saying it in front of a mirror. You will never find your true sense of self worth on the internets, my friend. It must come from within. And you are a winner, no not a loser. Unless you’re that joker who called his girlfriend by the wrong name. Pretty weenie.

ginger + burning sensation— = a sorry excuse for a snap.

help me oh load to live and see the offs—I think I know where you’re coming from. When my washing machine was on the fritz I oft found myself saying “help me oh load” or “Load, have mercy!” If you need any washer repair tips, come on back. I’m pretty much an expert.

my womb card—Is this some kind of license? Not a bad idea, actually—a license to reproduce. Or maybe it’s some kind of fetus networking tool? If a womb card is drawn out of the jar, can the fetus collect on the free IHOP meal postpartum or in utero? Mmmm…rutti tutti fresh and fruity.

later suckahs—Right back atchya. Actually, I’m thinking of closing up shop for a little while so I can spend more time with my children and focus on my fami… *snort* Sorry, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to pull that one off with a straight face. But really, it’s that hustly bustly time of year so I may not be around a whole lot the next couple weeks. I’m sure I’ll be stopping by to bring you good tidings of great Christmas and New Year’s joy. Until then, later suckahs!

It is entirely possible that I will follow last year’s tradition of closing up shop for the holidays.  Not that you’d notice much, as my posting has become increasingly sporadic as of late.  We’ll see how things go.  In the meantime, just know that I’m wishing you the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of holidays!

Crap. Frick. Sniff.

15 Dec

I lost the front of my watch face.  Not the little glass part, but the dialy looking thing that goes around the glass part.  I noticed yesterday on my way to drop off Mr. T at piano lessons.  The only other places I had been that day were Target and my home.  I looked around my house, but came up with nothing.  I even looked at Target today on the off chance it would miraculously appear in the parking lot or in one of the aisles.  Nada.


Now, mind you, this watch is nothing special—like a $40 Timex—but I love it.  I’ve had it for at least a decade, maybe even 12 years.  I’ve worn it every day since I first got it.  It fits comfortably on my wrist.  It’s casual, it’s dressy.  It has that cool indiglo thing.  It’s two-toned metal, so I can wear it with my gold or silver jewelry when I’m pretending to care about fashion coordination.


I spent some time looking online last night for something to replace it.  I looked at hundreds of watches, and I did not find anything remotely similar (and by remotely similar I mean exactly the same because when something is lost the only way to fully fill the void is to replace it with something exactly the same, of course).  My love for my faithful wrist-worn companion of the past several years has blinded me to the potential merits of all others.

I told Chuck I can’t find anything like it.  He said maybe I’ll find something better. 

There is nothing better.


Best birthday ever!

14 Dec

My husband, ever the romantic, selected a very special greeting card for my birthday.

On the inside:

It’s one of those musical birthday cards.  It was playing this:

And as if that wasn’t enough:

The inside of my birthday card had a post script:  “P.S. You are like a drug to me.”  He mocks with love.

BigHugs very proudly presented me with a present she’d wrapped herself in her sleeping bag case.  I opened it to find one of Goose’s stuffed animals.  The look on Goose’s face was classic.  I tried to keep her from making a big fuss about it since BigHugs was so excited about having picked out a gift for me all on her own.

Goose gave me an ornament she’d made at school and a card with a poem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The best mom ever is…you!

DynaGirl also gave me an ornament she had made along with this card:

Mr. T very generously bestowed his Pop-Tart box hat upon my head.

My most heartfelt thanks to all of you for the birthday wishes.

What more could a woman ask for?

36 Random Facts about Me

9 Dec

1.  The other day, as I was eating Triscuit Thin Crisps, I thought to myself, “This is a three-sided biscuit!  No wonder they’re called Triscuits!  Duh!”  Two days later, as I was eating original triscuits, I thought to myself, “This is a four-sided biscuit!  The original Triscuits were four-sided!  Why the frick are they called Triscuits?!”

2. Sometimes I think I say frick too much.  And then I think, “Who the frick cares?”

3. I have children who do things like make hats out of empty Pop-Tart boxes.

4. I have no ambition.  Sometimes I think I’d like to have some, but then it seems like too much work.

5. Sometimes I go to bed without brushing my teeth.  I always regret it in the morning.

6. I went my entire freshman year of college without kissing anyone.  I thought that was pretty lame at the time.  Actually, I still think it’s pretty lame. 

7. I prefer chocolate shakes, unless there is fry-dipping involved, in which case, I think strawberry is best.  But chocolate will always do.

8. I don’t think that a pap smear is a very good Christmas present.

9. I need braces.  I’m still trying to decide if I’m vain enough to make it worth the hassle.  I’ve had friends tell me my spaces are “charming”.

10. I think sometimes lying friends are the best kind.

11. Bedtime stories are most fun when you read them with ridiculous voices.  Sometimes my children enjoy the ridiculous voices, sometimes they do not.  I’m always a little disappointed when they insist on my using a normal voice.

12. When BigHugs was born, a friend from church dropped off a baby gift on my porch.  It was in a battered bag, all creased and worn, held together with tape, and adorned with an odd assortment of ribbons and bows.  An odd assortment.  My oldest sister and I now use the gift bag to exchange birthday presents.  Every birthday we add another ribbon.

13. I have little confidence that I’ll be able to come up with 36 random things about me.

14. This morning I spent 45 minutes cleaning up the playroom for the children I’m babysitting.  It was trashed in 1.5 minutes.  I was fully anticipating this, so I am not annoyed.  Much.

15. I am more concerned with not looking especially stupid than with looking especially smart.

16. I never want to hear this song again.  Ever.

17. This was my 36th blog post.

18. There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, and it’s a pity mine do nothing to alleviate this situation.

19. New age music really creeps me out.  A lot.  Like A LOT a lot.

20. I’ve been working on this post for an hour now.  See #13.

21. A while back I got a Facebook friend request from this guy.  I have no idea who he is, but I liked his profile picture so much that I saved it. He’s British.  Sometimes I wonder if that’s creepy.  (That I saved the picture, not that he’s British.  Maybe the fact that he’s British makes it less creepy.  Or more.)

22. I won’t eat food that my children have bitten unless I can cut off the bite marks.  You can’t cut the bite marks off jello, so I never finish their jello.

23. I pour small bowls of cereal and then shovel it down my throat as fast as I can to avoid the soggies.  I can’t abide the soggies.  No sir. My husband, on the other hand, will pour the milk on his cereal, tap it all down to make sure every last square mm is covered and then walk away to do something else and then come back and eat it.  I can’t watch him eat his cereal.

24. These are two words I have written down on a piece of scratch paper next to my computer to help me remember posts I want to do: caboose, cyborg.  I now have no idea what I was thinking, even though I’m pretty sure I just wrote them down like two days ago.

25. Years ago I threw away a couple of baby pictures of an old boyfriend when I lost track of him.  We’re Facebook friends now, and I have a lot of guilt about the pictures. 

26. I regularly incorporate random movie quotes into my conversations.

27. I will not drink the milk at the bottom of the carton, regardless of when it was opened.  I will either pour it out and open a new carton or leave it for my husband to drink.

28. I’m pretty sure when I’m 90 years old, I’ll still be saying dude.  At least I hope so.

29. I’ve recently taken to curling my eyelashes because a few weeks ago a friend of mine (who is always beautiful) happened to mention that her eyelash curler is her #1 essential tool in her beauty kit.  I’ve had an eyelash curler for years, but have never used it before now.  I’m pretending like it’s doing something for me.

30. This does nothing for me.  But then, neither does this.

31. Sometimes when I’m in Goose’s classroom helping kids with their math, I get so frustrated I could slap them.

32. Good thing I have supernatural impulse control powers.  Like Bella.

33. I’m kind of embarrased that I’ve already made two Twilight references.  Make that three.

34. If I were a tree, I’d be an avocado tree.

35. I’m becoming less and less concerned with #15.  Obviously.

36. I have some of the best friends a woman could ever ask or hope for.  Thank you!  I love you guys!

For the woman who has everything

7 Dec

Have you seen this?

This is an actual ad.  I saw it on TV last night.

I especially love the “Ho, ho, ho!” at the end.  Nice touch.

The worst part is last night I was nestled all snug in my bed while visions of

danced in my head.

I have been deeply disturbed.