Golly jeepers, where’d I get those peepers??

2 Mar

The other day while I was at the Target, I decided to look for a replacement eyeshadow for the hue in my trio that had been smashed to bits the last time I had dropped my makeup, which I frequently do, by the way.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I have dropped every eyeshadow I have ever purchased from my 7th grade powder blue Aziza to my 36 year old cafe au lait Cover Girl.

This latest time, only the au in my cafe au lait was affected, shattering into a million pieces—most of which landed on the bathroom floor and thus, had to be thrown out (I am many things, my friends, but I am not a wearer of bathroom floor eyeshadow.  We all have to draw the line somewhere.)—that I’ve been attempting to use anyway for the past three months.  I had finally gotten to the point where there was narry a particle of au left in my cafe au lait trio.  I’d already swabbed down every last corner and crevice.  Seeing how the au was my favorite and most frequently used of the three (Of course, of course it was.  I never even use the cafe so it was perfectly intact after the fatal accident.  Of course it was!), I thought it was time to procure a replacement.

I found that I had two options in the makeup aisle of the Target.  I could purchase a new cafe au lait trio for $4.44 or I could purchase a single replacement color for $3.44.  Now, I know what you’re thinking—why spend $3.44 for a single color when you can replace the whole thing for just a dollar more?  And believe me, that thought occurred to me.  However, this single color was just about double it’s counterpart in the trio, and seeing how this was my favorite of the three anyway, it seemed prudent to purchase the single color rather than the trio because at least one third of that trio would go unused just like the one third of the previously purchased trio was going unused, which is just wasteful, right?  Plus I could save a dollar towards the next time I would have to replace my eyeshadow, which would likely be in a manner of days.

So I went down the row comparing the au in my cafe au lait trio to each of the single hues, and found that the biscotti seemed to be almost an exact match.  Score!

The very next day, as I was preparing to meet a friend for lunch, I decided to break out the new eyeshadow.  I applied it in the mirror as usual and then looked down to grab my mascara.  When I looked up again, something shiny caught my eyes.  Not shiny exactly, more shimmery or sparkly even.  I blinked once and still saw the sparkles.  I blinked several more times and the sparkles seemed to multiply.  I leaned real close into the mirror, and to my horror realized that the sparkles were coming from my eyes!  My very own eyes!  I had glitter on my person.  Glitter!

I quickly swiped a finger across my lids, but the sparkles remained.  I grabbed a tissue and swiped and dabbed, but still with the sparkling.  I’d be darned if I was going to leave my house looking like an overage refugee from the toddler pageant circuit!  I finally wet a rag and desperately scrubbed my eyelids, but the water seemed to only exacerbate the situation, multiplying the sparkles at an alarming rate, like miscroscopic glittering gremlins!  It was a nightmare, I tell you!  A nightmare!

I finally managed to get the situation under control with my eye makeup remover and a little elbow grease, but those were a harrowing few moments, my friends.  And still, periodically throughout the day I’d find a stray sparkle on my cheek, my forehead, my nose, like somekind of iridescent alien parasite setting up base on my face.

Feeling more than a little put out, I inspected my “biscotti” eyeshadow for any warning of it’s nefarious contents.  Nothing.  Nothing on there that said, “This product contains glitter and will make you feel like a $2 transvestite whore.” **  OK, so technically, the name of the eyeshadow is “bedazzled biscotti”, but coming from an industry that also brings us “chastity” nail polish, “threesome” blush and “dimebag” eye shadow, can they really expect these color names to be taken literally?

*Alternate post titles:
Razzle bedazzle
The Cullens have nothing on me
Turn around bright eyes***
My eyes, how they twinkle so gay!
Peepshow, creepshow where did I get those eyes?

**No offense to those of you who enjoy a little sparkle in your beauty products, but I am a thirty-six year old mother of four with zero confidence in my ability to pull off the body glitter in a daytime lunch with a friend kind of setting.

***In case you haven’t already seen this literal video version.


15 Responses to “Golly jeepers, where’d I get those peepers??”

  1. boquinha March 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

    Bwahahahaha! Bwahahaha! This is just the medicine I need today. Bless you and your use of the words “$2 transvestite whore.” I heart you and your sparkly eyelids.

  2. madhousewife March 2, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    “I want my $2 transvestite whore!”

    How disappointing to pay $3.44 for sparkles. You should drop it on the floor immediately.

  3. Migillicutty March 2, 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    The Cullens have nothing on me… hee hee… 🙂 You shoulda gone with that one 🙂 🙂

  4. shazbraz March 2, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

    *that reminded me of the Simpson’s where Homer keeps eating just the chocolate out of the neopolitan ice cream, then tells marge they need more neopolitan ice cream

    *the last time I bought eye shadow-in the same color I’ve always bought-it was quite a bit more sparkly than in times past.

    *Love me some literal videos. My kids know all the lyrics to this one by heart:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMSC6vOyzBA&feature=PlayList&p=D3C42C582680E205&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=33

    *I would have-of course- voted for Peepshow, Creepshow

  5. bythelbs March 2, 2010 at 6:05 pm #

    Boquinha—Glad to be of service.

    Mad—Nice BOD reference! For some reason I can’t bring myself to throw it away, even though I know I will likely not ever use it again.

    Migillicutty—Thought you’d appreciate that one.

    Shaz—Who ate all the chocolate vanilla strawberry ice cream?? There’s shimmery/sparkly and then there’s GLITTER. Like actual, distinguishable bits of glitter. That’s a great LV. I love Siouxsie.

  6. Lora March 2, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    Thanks for the intro to literal videos! I almost pee’d my pants with glee… where’s the mop.
    thanks for the laughs!

  7. tawnya March 3, 2010 at 2:11 pm #

    Oh dear heaven. Just…tears of laughter.

  8. Flipflopmama March 3, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

    Sorry about the glitter although I can’t help bit laugh. *snicker*

  9. Patience March 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm #

    It’s pretty unfair to label a glittery eyeshadow “Biscotti.” How is biscotti even remotely sparkly in the real world?

    • bythelbs March 3, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

      Good point. Were I ever to come across a sparkly biscotti, I certainly would not partake of it.

      Next time maybe I’ll just go with the “dimebag”. I like green. As long as it’s not too whorish.

  10. Alison Wonderland March 4, 2010 at 8:31 am #

    As long as it doesn’t come with its own bling.

  11. madhousewife March 5, 2010 at 6:36 pm #

    “I am many things, my friends, but I am not a wearer of bathroom floor eyeshadow.”

    Yes, I am re-reading this post, because I’m lonely. And this line just gets funnier and funnier to me.

  12. madhousewife March 5, 2010 at 6:46 pm #

    Now I am sharing this literal video:

    • bythelbs March 5, 2010 at 7:56 pm #

      Nice one! Did you watch the Separate Lives one or the Love is a Battlefield one? Classic.

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