Archive | March, 2011

Ello govnas!

29 Mar

I have things to say, but I’ve been distracted by absent husbands and present novels and Angel and Buffy DVDs and children and broken computers and such.  (My sound card is dead, and while technically you don’t need the sound card to read and write, every time I sit down to the silence of my computer it just feels all wrong.  And empty.  And eerily quiet.  Eerily quiet and empty and wrong.)

Right now I have to get ready for BigHugs’ parent teacher conference and then run an errand and then pick up the other girls from their cursed early release day of school and then take them to the book fair (why do I promise these things?) and then pick up Mr. T and friends from school and then run DynaGirl to art class and then blah, blah, blah.  I’m hoping somewhere in there I’ll have time to poke my head in for a moment or two because there was that All City Elementary School Choir thing and the dentist appointment thing and all manner of tedious details from my tedious life that I can tediously tell you about.  See?  So many things to look forward to.  Until then…


16 Mar

*Watching, Detroit 187 last night, I was struck by some of the first few lines of dialogue.

Det. Sanchez: Do you think most people don’t know who they are?
Det. Fitch: I think most people know exactly who they are, they just don’t want anybody else to find out.

I find this notion somewhat depressing.  Part of me would like to think I don’t really know who I am yet, or maybe I’m just hoping I’m not the person I think I am—a distressing thought, either way.

*I had a dream last night that I was volunteering in Goose’s classroom when I suddenly realized I had forgotten to put on a bra that morning.  Not only had I forgotten to put on a bra, but I was wearing what I had worn to bed the night before (sweats and a t-shirt) and hadn’t showered, done my hair, put on makeup or brushed my teeth.  I decided I would just put my coat back on and fake it through the rest of the morning.  In the dream I also thought it was definitely something I would blog about.

*I took an introductory how to use your DSLR photography class on Monday night, a Christmas gift from Chuck.  It was a 3-hour class held in the community barn, so obviously I am a total expert now.  It was a helpful class.  I learned a few basics I didn’t already know, how to navigate through some of my camera menus, and some other useful tidbits.  The instructor was a pleasant fellow, attractive enough so as not to distract me from the subject matter and not so attractive so as to distract me from the subject matter.  My confidence in his expertise was momentarily shaken by his use of “view thingy you look through”, forgetting to take the lens cap off when trying to take a picture, and realizing his own camera he had brought for demonstration purposes had a dead battery.  I may also have been slightly put off by the repeated use of “lot’s” in his handouts, as in, “you need lot’s of light” and “we have lot’s of photography items for free use”.  But overall, I think it was time decently spent.

*Chuck has to go to Italy.  He called Monday from work and said, “I have to go to Italy next week.  There’s some kind of emergency.  I was just checking if that was OK with you.”  I’m not sure I understand the point of “checking” with me if he “has” to go for an “emergency”, but I suppose it was nice of him to pretend.  He leaves this weekend for two weeks and will miss, among other things, four parent-teacher conferences that I had scheduled in the evening specifically so he could go and that damn All-City Elementary School Choir Concert.  He owes me.  Big.  On the bright side(?), Goose’s choir selections will include “Safety Dance”, so at least there’s that to look forward to(?).

*I should probably shower and put on a bra now so I can go to the grocery store.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day Eve!

How to host a telephone service guy

11 Mar

In 12 easy steps.

1.  Spend the morning tidying potential repair site areas.  There’s no phone outlet in the master closet or bath, so go ahead and cram all that folded/unfolded, clean/dirty laundry in there.  Don’t forget to do a quick dust job behind the television where the colony of dust bunnies large enough to cast a made for television production of Watership Down stands watch over the jack that was causing all the trouble the last time the service guy was out.

2.  If you’re set on showering before your service appointment, better leave yourself more than a 20 minute window in case they call an hour and a half before your appointment to tell you they’ll be there in 30 minutes and you’re in the middle of making school lunches and minutes away from heading out the door to run the kids to school (too few minutes for even a quickie rinse off and too many minutes to leave you enough time on the backside of that carpool run).

3.  Should you find yourself in the predicament described in step 2, don’t worry about not showering.  A few passes with the deoderant, a bra, and a little mascara will make you semi-presentable.

4.  When the service guy arrives, be sure to give him a detailed account of the last service call, pointing out the source of the trouble and explaining that the last service guy said it was possible his repair job might end up being a temporary fix.

5.  When the service guy tells you thirty minutes later that he thinks he’s found the source of the problem in that jack/wires/faceplate that’s hanging out of the wall in the upstairs family room, don’t argue with him.  When he’s done fixing the jack/wires/faceplate and figures out that wasn’t the problem, you’re still ahead one fixed jack/wires/faceplate.

6.  Avoid saying “I told you so” when he decides fifteen minutes later that the jack/outlet you told him about in the first place turns out to be the source of the trouble.

7.  During this time, you should establish some kind of contact with a third party off the premises that you trust.  Sample text conversation:

You: I have a service guy in my house & I never know what to do with myself.  Plus it’s always wise to have contact with someone on the outside in case he turns out to be a murdering rapist or something.

Trustworthy off the premises third party: You should text me a detailed description of the guy, just in case.

You: He’s an attractive young Asian man.  Maybe early 20s.  Tall–6’1″ or 6’2″.  His name is Phil, or so he says.  He has bright blue plastic booties over work boots.

TOTPTP: Wow, that’s tall for an Asian guy.

You: I know, right?  Perhaps he’s of mixed decent.  Would it be rude to ask?

TOTPTP: Hey, when a guy is in your house wearing bright blue plastic booties he has already checked his pride at the door.

You: Well, at least it gives me a distinguishing characteristic to report to the police.  Oh, he’s also driving a white Comcast van, or so it says…

TOTPTP: Or so it says…u crack me up 🙂

You: You won’t be laughing when I’m dead. … He’s in my backyard now.  Do you think he’s casing the joint for possible re-entry routes???

TOTPTP: Better lock up your windows tonight…just in case…

8. When he informs you he needs access to the crawl space, keep a smile on your face as you unload the contents of your 3×4 hall closet into your entryway.  At least you’re not the one who has to go into the crawl space.

9. After you’ve unloaded the contents of your hall closet and you remember that the crawl space access has been covered by your snap together/non-glued-down laminate flooring, pull up the flooring yourself.  Don’t leave the service guy to his own devices, and don’t under any circumstances give him a pry bar unless you want two pry-bar shaped holes in your wall.

10. If you ignore the warnings in step 9 and leave the guy grunting in your hall closet for 15 minutes and then check on him only to discover no progress other than the two holes in the back of your closet, go ahead and offer to take care of the flooring yourself and then get his card to reschedule the appointment for the next day.

11. When you’ve popped the flooring up yourself without the aid of pry bar and/or grunting two minutes after he pulls out of your driveway, wait a few minutes before calling him to see if he has time to come back later that day.  You don’t want to completely emasculate and/or offend him, you still need him to get down in that crawl space and fix your friggin’ phone line.

12.  When all is said and done, don’t be too disgusted with yourself for apologizing for all the trouble and pretending not to notice the holes in your closet wall.  Your phone is fixed, all the crap you pulled out of your closet will cover up the holes when you get around to putting it back in, and you haven’t antagonized the “service guy”/murdering rapist.

Hours later…

TOTPTP: R u still alive? The tall Asian really was just a cable guy?

Hours later…

TOTPTP: Bythelbs? You?

You: Yes, I’m alive.  Phone is fixed. Tall Asian guy has disappeared…for now…

TOTPTP: Or so he says…

Thursday tuneage

10 Mar

Here’s what’s been playing in my car this week:

*Awake and Alive – Skillet

This one’s from Mr. T’s collection.  He says they’re a Christian rock band.  The lead’s voice has that fairly generic heavy-ish rock scream/rasp quality, but I’m a sucker for the boy/girl rocker duet.  Also, I think female drummers are cool, and they get bonus points for their band name.

*New Low – Middle Class Rut

Chuck heard this band open for another act.  I like the lyrics.  Plus I’m a sucker for a two-man band.

*The Ghost Inside – Broken Bells*

(I couldn’t help using this video!)  I like the Broken Bells, and I’ve always been a sucker for a good falsetto.

Enough to Let Me Go – Switchfoot

Also from Mr. T’s collection.  I’m generally not a die hard Switchfoot fan, but there’s something about this one I just can’t resist.  I guess I’m just a sucker for a sappy love song.

*Dog Days Are Over – Florence + the Machine*

This chick is wacky (check out the link above), but not in the disturbing Lady GaGa sense.  I find it an endearing sort of wack.  And is that a ukulele in the intro?  I’m a sucker for a ukulele.

*Radioactive – Kings of Leon

I don’t love everything Kings of Leon does, but I love this.  It’s in the water, it’s where you came from… I’m a sucker for a catchy hook line.

*Howlin’ for You – The Black Keys (I can’t in good conscience link you to the official video–it’s a little, um, yeah…)

Da da, da da, da, Da da, da da, da… I love Da da, da da, da-ing along, plus I’m a sucker for the blues.

*Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People*

At first I thought they were saying the “funked up kicks”.  I’m more than a little disappointed I was mistaken, but obviously anything with “kicks” is going to be cool with Fresh Step.  Fresh Step is a sucker for the pumped up kicks.  Fresh Step is not a sucker for the speaking in the third person, however, so she’ll stop now.

What have you been listening to lately?

*Sorry, I tried to post videos that weren’t restricted by YouTube, but obviously not all of them work.  I strongly encourage you to use the “watch on youtube” link for the Broken Bells song at least.

Flossing goddess

2 Mar

Day 1:  Make dental appointment and resolve to floss every day until D-day: March 17. Buckets o’ blood.  Resolve weakened.

Day 2 am: Must floss tonight.

Day 3: Oops.

Day 4: Double oops.  Tomorrow is another day.

Day 5: Floss?  Floss who?

Day 6: No buckets required. Obviously, weekly is more than sufficient.  Newfound resolve: I will floss once a week.

Day 7-15: Newfound resolve: I will floss twice a month.  February-check (see days 1 and 6).

Day 16: Had popcorn today.  Can’t dislodge that husk with my fat fingernail or tongue.  Plus, it’s March.  Halfway to my monthly goal and it’s only the 2nd!  Flossing goddess!

Where the frick am I??

1 Mar

Do you ever find yourself wondering if you’ve been transported to another planet—one that at first seems exactly like Earth with all of the same places and all of the same people, only then you start to notice that something about these humanoid lifeforms is just a little off and then more than a little and then all of a sudden you’re thinking, “Where the frick am I?? Who the frick are these…people?!?”

That’s how I felt last week when I stumbled on a Toddlers & Tiaras marathon.  I watched four consecutive episodes.  Chuck was so disgusted, he had to walk away, but I was hypnotized.  By the horror.

Sweet.  Mother. 

Is commentary really necessary?  I’m thinking we’re all on the same page here.  We’re on the same page, and these other humanoid lifeforms are not even in the library (or some other place one might expect to find something with a page or something even resembling a page).

And I have to show you this…

so you can better appreciate this…

…the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all month.

Happy March!