In commemoration of my 100th post I’ve decided to compile a list of excerpted quotes—from my very first post to today. Sorry, I know it’s butt-long—like mom jean butt-long!—so please feel free to read at your leisure.
1. New Year’s Resolutions
I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions ages ago when it became apparent I wasn’t likely to ever actually successfully accomplish one. Why continue to set myself up for failure? I decided that instead of making the traditional New Year’s resolutions, I’d just wait until the end of the year and write down all of the things that I did accomplish. This is a strategy I employ with my to do lists. I’m always sure to write down the things I’ve already done, so I can check them off. Then, when I don’t get a bunch of the other things done, at least I have a few check-marks and can say, “See, I did do something! It’s right here on my list with a check-mark and everything!”
2. Encouraging children
I’m took my girls to a PTA Reflections Awards ceremony. Before entering, both girls expressed a fear that their work wouldn’t be good enough. I tried to reassure them that they had done a great job, and that even if they didn’t win the ribbons they hoped for, that wouldn’t change what they had accomplished and they would feel good about having tried. I’m not sure they were convinced, but it’s true. Or at least it should be.
Two participation certificates (woo-hoo!) and a second place ribbon (yesssss!).
I’m not sure if there are words to adequately describe the depth of my loathing for this basic household chore. I’m looking through my thesaurus–hate, abhor, despise. These just simply will not do. Eskimos have like 5972 words for snow, right? They must have some kind of special word for disgust they specifically use in reference to dirty dishes.
After spending some time examining my own dish issues, I realized I may have judged Plasticware Man and Plasticware Man’s Wife too harshly. Perhaps she suffers from dishophobia as well. Perhaps the two of us can start a movement to bring awareness to our plight and give others the courage to come out of the cupboard, so to speak. Perhaps there will be enough of us that the powers that be will be forced to officially recognize and legitimize our illness, and then Fredd can finally add us to the list. Perhaps then the healing can begin.
6. Assertiveness and Self-esteem
I think you should leave now. Because you’re being very unpleasant.
Nothing builds up the old self-esteem like the attentions of an ugly drunk guy.
7. Mean Walmart Lady
Come near my kid again and I will end you.
8. Aliases (my son, Mr. T)
He does not have a particular affinity for heavy gold jewelry, but he does pity the fools.
9. The Men of Jane Austen
Pride & Prejudice is my favorite novel, and Mr. Darcy has always held a special place in my heart. After seeing A&E’s adaptation, he has held an even specialer place in my heart. I believe Colin Firth is indeed the definitive Darcy, at least thus far. Pond scene, anyone? (Yes, I know it’s not in the book, but this was dramatic license at its best!)
I’m a fairly sentimental kind of person. Well, at least I form rather strong sentimental attachments to things. I don’t own anything of any considerable monetary value other than my car or house. I was brought up in a family who lived modestly (by necessity), and I’ve just kind of stayed that way.
11. Best Friends
Goose: Do I look good with my tooth missing?
Goose’s BFF: Yeah, you look cool. You look like a first grader.
I write for my own amusement, and perhaps even for the amusement of others, although nobody seems to be as amused by me as I am. And unfortunately, I’m more often laughing at me than with me.
DynaGirl: You’re not going to dry off my face with the same part of the towel you just used on my butt, are you?
Mom: You usually use your towel more than once before I wash it. Do you ever remember which part of the towel you used to dry off your behind the last time you used the towel before you use it again?
14. Kids and Telecommunication
It doesn’t matter what’s been going on in the preceding hour, 5 minutes or even 30 seconds, as soon as Mom gets on the phone, all heck breaks loose. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs or something–telephone rings, pick the nearest person and have at it.
15. No offense
Is it just me, or when someone begins a conversation with “No offense” it usually means they intend to offend you. Well, maybe they don’t actually intend to, but it seems to have the same effect. So, if you truly mean no offense, then just don’t say it. That’s all I’m saying.
Last night, as I surveyed the disaster that was my house (the living room strewn with toys, the sink full of dinner dishes, the pile of laundry on my couch waiting to be folded), it occurred to me that my life as a mother and housewife is a leaking powder keg. I’m walking along picking things up, scrubbing things down, putting things away, but behind me there is still this trail of stuff. And my kids are right there behind me, too, running around with these lit matches, so I don’t dare stop or the whole thing will explode! All I want to do is drop the keg and run away in the other direction, but if I do, it will still explode, and surely I’ll be the one cleaning up the aftermath.
17. All in a Day’s Work
While my husband was finishing up his schooling, I worked as a receptionist at a small scientific instruments firm. One of my duties was to glance over any job applications to make sure the prospective employee had filled them out completely. One in particular caught my eye.
It had been submitted by a young man who was about 17 at the time. Under previous work experience he had written that he was last employed as a “stalker” at Kmart. My first thought was, “No wonder that store creeps me out so bad!” I was relieved when, upon further examination of his application, I saw that his duties included “stalking shelves”, not patrons. But then I wondered what exactly “stalking shelves” entailed. Did he follow them around? Barrage them with phone calls at their homes and places of business? Send them threatening and/or suggestive letters? Take pictures of them while they were stripped of their goods and wares?
Is it just me, or is the whole parking on your front lawn thing a tad trailer park-ish? (Wait, do trailer parks have lawns?) Anyway, not that I would be considered the authoritative voice on decorum and propriety, but come on. The car? on the lawn? What in the name of all that is good and holy is up with that?
Even my toddler knows not to expect too much. The other day when I asked what she wanted for lunch, she said, “I need a plate with some food on it.”
DynaGirl: Ouch! I hurt my left buttocks!
Mr. T: Buttock. A buttock is one cheek. But-tocks is two cheeks or more.
21. Tic Tacs
I prefer the white fresh mints for the strongest freshness per one and a half calorie ratio. It used to be I liked the light green wintergreen. I’m not exactly sure when I made the switch, but it was years ago. My kids like the orange ones–they’re OK, but the lack of burn in my mouth leaves me less than confident in their effectiveness. A while back they came out with lime ones, which I thought sounded good in theory–I enjoy a good lime. They. were. nasty. I also can’t do the dark green spearmint. Spearmint–blech! *all over body shudder*
What’s that old line about if you put a bunch of monkeys in a room with typewriters eventually their random keystrokes will turn out something intelligible like a novel or something? When I get spam from names like “rorsuc ezycam”, “ewskele enirtomcc”, “vywvmypwr gqvanrmsa”, or ”eszole dockuefor”, that’s the image my mind conjures up—a bunch of monkeys in a room somewhere randomly pounding away on computer keyboards and flooding my inbox with their nonsense. No offense to the people who actually do this for a living.
Substitute curse words are not the same as standard curse words. After all, I’m making a conscious decision to not say the actual curse word. If I had meant *?@!, I would have said *?@!. But I didn’t, I said crap. That’s totally different. Words that appear in the Bible are perfectly legitimate words to say, and should be excused from the swear word category when necessary. This list would include hell, damn and the occasional beast of burden. (One of my daughter’s Sunday school teachers once told her it was OK to say hell as long as you’re not telling someone to go there. I’m inclined to agree.)
24. Moment of Truth/Amoral Television
I’m assuming that the producers would automatically select the questions/answers with the greatest shock value—the ones with the most potential for humiliation—at least that’s what I would do if I were a soul-less, black-hearted television executive willing to prostitute my integrity and morals for a few ratings points and advertising dollars. No offense to the fine men and women of the television industry.
25. Spam Jockeys/Monkeys
The monkeys are waxing philosophical or poetic or maybe they just have brain tumors. I don’t care. (Well, brain tumors would be sad—I wouldn’t wish that on anyone or any monkey, for that matter.)
Madhousewife was kind enough to mention me on her I am the giraffe site, which is on wordpress and xanga, and even admitted to being my blood relation. I don’t often like to do that because the inevitable comparison does not work to my advantage—she is much funnier, smarter and more witty than I.
27. Gender Ambiguity
To be honest, it had never occurred to me as I was getting ready to go out for the evening to ask my roommates, “Does this make me look Pat?” My mistake.
28. Losing the Mood
I was looking at the sink and stovetop overflowing with the ghosts of meals past, and I decided I couldn’t put it off any longer. I thought I’d just get in there, get to work (maybe I’d have to close my eyes through parts), and it would all be over in a few minutes. But now all has been thwarted–my ultra concentrated lemon Joy is gone—and I just know that by the time I get showered and dressed and go to the store to buy more and then come all the way back home again, the mood will have passed. (My husband hates it when this happens. I’m still talking about the dish-doing mood, of course. I’ve been talking about dishes this whole time–this isn’t a metaphor for anything—it’s just dishes. No, seriously.)
29. Hostess Snack Cakes
The last time I had a Ding Dong, I tingled with anticipation as I greedily peeled back that shiny silver wrapper enveloping the creme-filled chocolatey goodness. I sank my teeth in and took off a generous bite, chewing slowly so that I could savor every last morsel. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was all wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The cake was not melting in my mouth and the creme felt like it was sticking to my teeth. I held the other half back from my face to examine what exactly I had just put in my mouth. The cake seemed a lighter, less appetizing shade of chocolate than I remember and the creme was not rich and thick, but had more of a marshmallowy fluff consistency. What the? I checked the box to make sure I had, in fact, purchased Hostess Ding Dongs and not generic Kroger’s Dink Donks or some other shameful imitation. But, no, there was the Ding and the Dong and the little red heart assuring me that this was made with that secret Hostess ingredient: love. Well, I didn’t feel loved. I felt betrayed. The Ding Dong of my youth is apparently no more.
30. Jean Shopping
I was ready to ditch the whole enterprise, but thought what the heck, I may as well go 0-4 with these Sweethearts. What do you know? They actually sort of kind of fit in a non-coin slotty, un-muffin toppery way. And if that weren’t enough, the twelves were too big. I had to leave the dressing room and come back with tens and they were practically perfect–no tummy-sucking, hopping up and down hip & thigh shimmying required–and no mile long mom butt or unsightly creasing in the crotchal area! (insert angelic chorus here)
31. Public Restrooms
Virtually all of my experiences have only reinforced my suspicion that public restrooms are indeed the tenth gate to hell. Only pain and misery await you there, my friends. Pain and misery.
DynaGirl (checking the caller ID): Unavailable.
Mr. T: Your face is unavailable.
DynaGirl: You smell unavailable.
Just add random word. It’s all in the delivery.
33. Health Food
You know those 100 calorie Healthy Pop mini popcorn bags? I think they could reasonably be called 50 calorie bags since I can’t get through more than half a bag before I admit to myself it doesn’t taste good and throw the rest away.
34. How My Future Self Would Convince My Past Self of My True Identity
Yes, this is really you. I know all about that dent in your parents’ garage freezer. Don’t worry, they’ll alternately blame your sister and brother-in-law for years.
35. Motherhood and Trust
I love that she shares her little daydreams with me with a giggle and a smile. I hope that she will always want to share her hopes and dreams and the innermost wishes of her heart with her mother, although perhaps clandestinely publishing them on a blog won’t do much towards encouraging future confidence. Hmm—I hope no damage is done. I would hate to have to resort to reading her diary.
36. Tooth Fairy
Goose lost her second tooth yesterday, but the tooth fairy didn’t make it last night. Her older sister very helpfully pointed out that one time the tooth fairy had forgotten to visit her, but the next night she got a bonus with her present to make up for it. Why would the tooth fairy think it wise to set such precedences? Idiot.
37. The Dentist
When they ask if I’m a flosser, I always say yes, but then I try to buffer it a bit with something like “Well, I could do a lot better—I’m not like religious about it.” See, I’m more of an Easter/Christmas mass attender than the weekly Sabbath Day observer. And by that, I mean I floss when I think there’s something stuck in my teeth or when I have a dentist appointment. I wonder how many “Hail Marys” you have to say to be absolved of gingivitis. Or is it “Hell Mary”? I don’t know–I’m not Catholic.
38. Madhousewife’s Broccoli Rigatoni
Try it—you’ll like it!
39. Crafting Comebacks
DynaGirl: Eeew. There’s a hair on my plate.
Mr. T: Your face is a hair on my plate.
DynaGirl: You smell like a hair on my plate.
Mr. T: Touche.
Goose: You are a hair on my plate.
40. Personality Tests
I often don’t like the results of personality tests. The “who are your celebrity sisters?” one was especially painful—I mean, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson?! Ack!! I find myself taking them multiple times, hoping for a different outcome. But it seems that no matter how many different answers I try to give, I get the exact same results. It’s like they know what I’m trying to do.
41. Reassuring Children
Last year, just a couple of days before Easter, our kitchen table bench fell on DynaGirl’s foot and broke her big toe—a break that required a trip to the orthopedic specialist (because it had broken on the growth plate) and a walking boot. I’m not exactly sure what was the point of seeing the orthopedic specialist. He confirmed that it had broken on the growth plate, and then said there was a chance that toe would stop growing, but that there was nothing they could do about it. OK. DynaGirl was slightly alarmed at the possibility of having a stubby toe. Our conversation about it went something like this:
DG: Am I going to be a freak, Mom?
Mom: Maybe, sweetheart, but you’ll be a beautiful, kind and compassionate freak who is very smart and draws great pictures.
DG: Will I still be able to wear flip flops?
It’s important to focus on the positive.
42. Middle School Discipline
I find this tasering business more than a little disturbing. But then I am a mother of an 11 year old sixth grader who is still very much on the small side. I suppose middle school students range from 11-14 and are at various stages of puberty and development, making some formidable opponents in confrontational situations. If my child were the one being beaten up by the bully, I’m sure I would be the first one screaming, “Shock him! Bring him down!” It’s just all very frightening to me.
43. Gossip Website and She Who Must Not Be Named
I love how she’s taken it upon herself to bring some accountability to all who might possibly be rightfully accused. I can see the testimonials pouring in now. “I’m so grateful to Ms. Bloch and her website that listed all of my sexual exploits for all the world to see. It made me realize that I am indeed a slut, and now I’m getting the help I need for my sexual addiction.” She’s really providing a service, you see.
44. She Who Must Not Be Named
“Gossip, when you do it right, is a really, really good thing.”
Well then, lady, here’s my contribution to the greater good: You’re an idiot. Feel free to spread the word.
45. Unrequited Kindergarten Love
Goose: Guess what? Jakob said he’d rather die than marry me.
Mom: Why’d he say that?
Goose: I asked him.
Mom: To marry you?
Goose: No, I said would you rather marry me or die, and he said die. I don’t think he likes me.
46. Sandy Duncan
I wonder whatever happened to Sandy. Did you know she doesn’t actually have a glass eye?
47. Kraft Foods
Badly done, Kraft Foods. Badly done.
48. Mental Health
I’m beginning to think I’ve left the little dinner cruise ride around quirky harbor and jumped on the transcontinental non-stop flight to Crazy Town.
49. Consumer Activism
I just might have to stage a full-on Kraft Foods salad dressing boycott. Do you have any idea who you’re messing with here Ms. McMiller?! We’re talking a potential of tens of dollars of lost revenue annually! Are you prepared to let that happen on your watch?
OK, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate a compliment as much as the next gal, but when people go kind of overboard like that, don’t you start to question their sincerity? I think this is an instance where less is more. Just swoop in, drop off the kind word or two and then move along. Gushing just smacks of phoniness or even pity. But then maybe I’m just a cynical ingrate incapable of graciously accepting a compliment.
Mom: Goose, hold still! I can’t do your hair when you’re so wiggly. Sometimes you drive me so crazy…
Goose: So crazy you want to kill me?
Mom: No, I don’t want to kill people when I’m crazy. Do you want to kill people when you feel crazy?
Goose: I’d only want to kill people if Jesus told me to.
Mom: That is never going to happen.
Just how disturbed by this should I be exactly?
A couple of months ago I had gotten out the phone book for some reason or other and BigHugs took to carrying it around and leafing through its pages. I could not understand what the appeal was, but she was happy so hey, whatever.
53. Setting the Bar
I’ve decided that my nonspecialness (in the flashy beauty queen sense) is really more of a blessing for her. She won’t be living in my shadow. She won’t feel the need to compare her accomplishments to mine and then feel lacking in any way. The only big shoes she’ll have to fill are my literal size 9’s. That’s a gift, right?
54. Neighborhood Parking
In this case, it’s not just about being an eyesore. There’s a real safety issue here. This is a public sidewalk intended for the use of pedestrians to safely convey themselves from one end of the neighborhood to the other without the fear of being struck by a parking vehicle. Are you feelin’ me?
I’m not certain I know what feet taste like (actually, I’m pretty certain I don’t know what feet taste like), but I can’t imagine it would be a very pleasant tastebud experience unless maybe they were smothered in peanut butter and hot fudge.
56. Special Skills
Helping DynaGirl dry off after a shower.
Mom: What are you doing?
DynaGirl: I’m flaring my butt cheeks.
DynaGirl: Yeah, you know, like when I flare my nostrils?
DynaGirl: What? What else would you call it?
Mom: I don’t know, maybe clenching?
I think maybe I like “flaring” better. I imagine she’d make a pretty awesome fitness instructor.
57. Parenting a Difficult Child
I tell people she’s the child God sent to make me a better mom. My first two were easy—well, there were the health issues, but the emotional and behavioral stuff were nothing compared to #3. She’s the one teaching me patience and restraint, forgiveness and how to work through the guilt and move on. She is my refiner’s fire. Often my inclination is to douse the flames—she pushes and I push back. But I’m slowly realizing that when she screams “I hate you!” she really means “Please love me” and I try to reassure her this is so.
I wouldn’t care if spearmint tic tacs had a weight-loss inducing negative carb count, I still couldn’t choke them down. *shudder*
59. Enabling Children
I spend a good portion of my day rescuing my toddler from perilous hair-related situations. I do sweep and vacuum, but there are six people living in our home, four of whom are female, all with long hair that has a propensity for shedding. One hundred percent effective prophylacticism is just not possible. The other day she brought me a koosh ball. Fortheluvva…I told her to just forget about the koosh ball. I could spend the rest of my natural days dehairifying a koosh!
60. Blog Contests
Now, as for the promised fabulous prize, in the interest of full disclosure I did not actually know what the fabulous prize would be when I first offered the incentive. I did a search for “fabulous prize” to see if it sparked any ideas—all I found was a bunch of random blogs of people giving away random (often unspecified) prizes, one of which was a handsewn sock monkey. A genuine handsewn sock monkey? How can I possibly compete with that?! I cannot.
61. Unconditional Love
At tuck-in time.
DynaGirl: Thanks for giving me birth. You’re the best mom in the whole entire world and I’ll always love you no matter what.
Mom, making goofy face: Are you sure?
DynaGirl: Yes, even when you do embarrassing things, I’ll still love you deep down. Very, very, very, very, deep, deep down.
I love you too, sweetheart.
62. Genetic Defects
Mom: Goose, this room is getting out of control. You need to clean this up.
Goose, in her best pout: But I suck at cleaning.
Mom: No you don’t. Remember a couple weeks ago when you cleaned your whole entire room all by yourself? You did an awesome job.
Goose, almost genuinely sad now: But I’m just so lazy now.
There can never be any doubt she’s her mother’s daughter
63. Grocery Shopping
I have a particular grocery cart unloading procedure that must be strictly adhered to at all times.
64. Marital Relations
If you want to know my most private thoughts and intimate secrets, you’ll have to read my blog like everyone else.
65. Customer Service and Going the Extra Mile
This is a non-profiting blog, people, and I’m just not ready to put forth that kind of effort yet.
66. Those Burrito Types
They are completely wrapped up in themselves, and they’re full of beans.
67. Magical Powers of Momness
DynaGirl: My legs are so dry sometimes they hurt.
Mom: That’s why we have to put cream on them everyday.
DynaGirl: I hate cream.
Mom: Well, how else are we going to make your legs be not dry?
DynaGirl: You could use your magical powers of momness.
You have no idea how many times I’ve wished that were true.
68. Defense Strategies
I wasn’t making fun of you. I was just repeating what you said in a more humorous way.
Goose: I’m hungry. I need a snack.
Me: OK, go see what you can find.
Ten minutes later.
Me: Did you ever get that snack? Do you need some help?
Goose: No, I’m all done. I had six tic tacs.
Me: Tic tacs are not a snack.
Goose: Why not? You eat them.
70. Mother’s Wisdom
I was a freshman in high school watching the “Where the Streets Have No Name” video and I said to my mom, “I don’t know what it is about Bono. I mean, he’s not particularly gorgeous when you just look at him, but once he starts singing and moving around…I dunno.” To which she replied, “It’s called sex appeal, sweetheart.” And of course I was like, “Mom, ew.” But she was a mother who knew.
She wants things. And she wants them now. She can go from 0 to pissed off in 0.62 seconds. Folks, I feel a storm a comin’.
72. Toddler Jokes
BigHugs new parting greeting
BigHugs: Bye, bye alligator!
73. Today’s Music
Don’t, don’t, don’t let’s start. I’ve got an aardvark.
74. Taking Offense
What exactly do you mean by this? I’m trying to decide whether or not to be offended. It is a choice, you know.
75. Transportation in China
76. Left-handed Compliments
77. The Booty Song
I’m shaking my boo-ty.
You can do anything with your booty.
You can sit with them
watch TV with them
You can lay an egg like a chicken
and all the other animals that lay eggs with them.
You can walk with them
You can launch with them
You can fire in the hole with them
You can see with them
You can smell with them
You can talk with them (interrupts melody here, bends over and says “Hello, I am a buttocks.”)
You can even hug your mom with them! (rubs booty against mom’s leg)
You can do anything, anything, anything, anything!
78. Can you snort spice?
Yes, freak, you probably can. But don’t. Just don’t.
79. Crafting Compliments
You’re a rainbow sprinkled freak.
80. Full Disclosure
You should already know I’m a little whacked by now, but just in case you weren’t completely convinced or have attempted to explain away my last trip to Crazy Town as a one time experience perhaps induced by the consumption of large quantities of frosted circus animals, let me assure you that is not the case. I feel I owe it to you, faithful reader, to be completely up front with my psychoses—how else are we to maintain our circle of trust if not through total honesty? Subterfuge has no place among virtual friends. I reserve that kind of deceit for those who know me in person, who might feel somewhat uneasy about my nutjobbiness. But you people can feel comfortable and safe on the other side of cyberspace—I don’t even know where most of you live yet.
81. Exclamations of Joy
Holy hot dog on a stick sweet mother moses!
82. Predicting Evil
But then, of course, the dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.
83. Sibling Love
Rock on, sis!
84. Child Profanity
Darn you to heck.
85. Customer Service
Nobody uses common sense these days and everyone is so inflexible—like the world will end if you deviate from your set protocal of pancake portioning. I just want a smaller pancake, is that so wrong? Or hard? Just make it smaller! I’ll even pay the same amount, if that’s what you’re worried about.
86. Childhood Fantasies
DynaGirl pointed out to me yesterday that all of her unicorn pictures have a path in them. I can’t wait to go down the path with her.
87. Houseguest Preparations
I still haven’t cleaned by bathrooms or mopped my floor, but really, how many times are houseguests likely to need to use the bathroom or walk on the floor in a 3-day period?
88. Family Reunions
All the cousins got along, and I think everyone left without doors a slamming or wheels a peeling out of the driveway or vows of never again returning or hearty shouts of “So long, suckahs!”, so all in all I would call it a success!
89. Family Secrets
I don’t even want to know what my kids are saying when I’m not around.
90. Honesty in Writing
I swear on a stack of phone books. I don’t make this stuff up.
I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m not a very nice person.
92. Grade School Talent Shows
It’s really exhausting holding in the inappropriate laughter because laughing at the unintentionally funny grade schooler is just wrong. Even when they do a “cartwheel” off the stage and then stand up perfectly fine and uninjured.
93. Celebrity Look-Alikes
I really don’t have anything to say. I’m still trying to stop laughing (or crying in the case of Tommy Lee—Tommy Fricking Lee?!).
94. Sock Monkey Phenomenon
I dare say nobody in their right mind would dispute the awesomeness that is the sock monkey, but I had no idea they were this popular.
What the h-e-double L-shaped object is wrong with you, woman?!
96. SNL Cowbell Skit
I’ve seen this a googillion times and it just never gets old for me. It’s like I’ve gotta fevuh and the only prescription is more cowbell.
97. Stimulating Dinner Conversation
98. Rewarding Mediocrity
How meaningful can this honor really be when you’re more likely to be recognized than not?
99. Mom Humor
Sometimes my humor is totally lost on my 2 year old.
I’ve been so pleasantly surprised at this little community of friends we’ve built here at Bythelbs and in the Blogosphere. Thank you, faithful readers—commenters and lurkers! In the immortal words of Mr. Adams, Everything I do, I do it for you.