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Who does that??

19 Sep

So one of those dear newly-befriendeds sent me a thank you note for accepting her friend request. I’m thinking she might notice if I suddenly drop her–will have to go with the hide/block for now.

But seriously, a thank you note? I’m trying to decide if that’s incredibly sweet or incredibly creepy. I think I know which direction I’m leaning.

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Where the frick am I??

1 Mar

Do you ever find yourself wondering if you’ve been transported to another planet—one that at first seems exactly like Earth with all of the same places and all of the same people, only then you start to notice that something about these humanoid lifeforms is just a little off and then more than a little and then all of a sudden you’re thinking, “Where the frick am I?? Who the frick are these…people?!?”

That’s how I felt last week when I stumbled on a Toddlers & Tiaras marathon.  I watched four consecutive episodes.  Chuck was so disgusted, he had to walk away, but I was hypnotized.  By the horror.

Sweet.  Mother. 

Is commentary really necessary?  I’m thinking we’re all on the same page here.  We’re on the same page, and these other humanoid lifeforms are not even in the library (or some other place one might expect to find something with a page or something even resembling a page).

And I have to show you this…

so you can better appreciate this…

…the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all month.

Happy March!

Making me laugh this morning

23 Nov

*On my Comcast home page:

I’m not sure I understand.  Is there supposed to be some kind of implied warning here?  Get educated or end up like this?  Or with this?  Are they trying to say Jesus told Obama to ask moms to return to school?  Explain please.

 

*A good bloggy friend of mine, WoobDog, shared this link with me today:

amazon.com

In case you haven’t already seen this, you have to read the reviews to reach full enjoyment potential.

A few of my favorites:

16,467 of 16,618 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Dual Function Design, November 10, 2008
By B. Govern “Bee-Dot-Govern” (New Jersey, USA) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

 

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Chuck Norris Owns One, November 21, 2009
By John M. Simmons “Outlaw Programmer” (Guarding the Texas Border) – See all my reviews

How do I know? I gave him a Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee after I kicked his a*s so that he could at least LOOK like more of a man instead of standing there – bleeding.

 

496 of 507 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Video Proof of the Shirts Power!, May 27, 2009
By D. Drury “Three Wolf Man” (Haines, AK United States) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

The Three Wolf Moon shirts power is obvious. This video is living proof that you will get women, and fly. Most importantly my son was born without bones and when I put this shirt on him he grew bones. Don’t ask me how it happened but the magic is there. I wish I could hug the designer of this shirt and thank them for everything they have done for my family.

 

Some not so happy customers:

1,725 of 1,869 people found the following review helpful:
I think some of the benefits are exagerrated, May 8, 2009
By Go Down, Moses (Austin, Texas) – See all my reviews

So I got this wolf shirt because of, you know, the sweet wolves on it.

However, having owned this shirt for three weeks now and having tried it out in a variety of situations, both formal and informal, I’m beginning to believe that some of the benefits —- as described by other reviewers —- are exaggerated. For example, not ONE supermodel has approached me. Some of you may be used to having supermodels approach you on a regular basis but, believe me, I am not: I would notice one should she appear in my vicinity.

Similarly, I have not been invited to a vision quest, even though I wore my wolf shirt in New Mexico.

There is one thing, though, and that is that whenever I wear the wolf shirt I have a lot less issues with involuntary urination. I have not studied it long enough, however, to establish a cause/effect relationship.

Once, however, while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on “One Day at a Time.”

So I guess the jury is still out.

 

127 of 145 people found the following review helpful:
Defective!!!, May 21, 2009
By Matthew D. Shanahan – See all my reviews

I ordered this shirt for my brother’s birthday and it only had TWO wolves on it. When I called Amazon customer service they informed me that the third wolf was on back order. They said the could ship me out another moon, but that would make for a ridiculous t-shirt.

I recommend staying away from this one.

 

What’s making you laugh lately?

Thanks for the chuckles, Woob!

Only in my dreams

17 Nov

So the other night I had this dream that was so bizarre that I felt compelled to write it all down when I woke up.

I was taking a road trip with three other gals in a car.  I didn’t recognize them.  Well, in my dream I must have known them, but I can’t think of who they would be in real life.  The girl driving the car was lesbian.  I had a very distinct feeling she was interested in me.  Very interested.  There were two more girls in back.  I don’t know what their “interests” were.  I was sitting in the front passenger seat with bags of leftover Halloween candy on the floor.  I remember thinking we were almost out of the good stuff, so I was glad that the bags were by me.  We were driving down the road at night.

I don’t know where we were planning to go, but the friend driving (who I was pretty sure was crushing on me–majorly crushing) had to make a stop along the way to return her Halloween costume.  She had been a sexy pirate wench, but when we got to the costume place, the costume she returned was not a sexy pirate wench.  It was a flesh colored furry body suit with a hat/mask that looked like the guy from Fat Albert who had the long stocking cap pulled over most of his head, only instead of being a stocking cap, it looked like it was made out of banana peels.  The dude at the costume place was trying to pick up on her, which I thought was funny since she was a lesbian and totally not interested, if you know what I mean.

As we were walking back to the car from the costume place, I was trying to decide how I should tell my lesbian friend I did not return her feelings.  I did not want to embarrass her in front of our other two friends, but I wasn’t sure how wise it would be to ask to be with her alone.  I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea or false hope or anything.  I wanted to let her down easy so we could still be friends.  For some reason, it was taking us a long time to walk back to our car.  We had to go up a flight of stairs and through a field.  While walking through the field, I spotted a small, ceramic house sitting on the ground.  I pointed at it and said, “Oh look!”  My friends all stopped to look, but I kept walking.

When I finally got to the car, it was parked in some kind of RV campground with RVs and trailers and stuff.  I caught an Asian girl burying the tires of our car in dirt.  I thought, “What the?”  I mean, what the H was she doing burying our car tires??  It looked like the car was up on some kind of embankment, and I decided I needed to pull it down so we could get out of there.

I unburied the tires then got down from the embankment to pull the car down from behind.  Only when I started pulling the car down, it was no longer a car, but a picnic table (like others scattered around this RV campground) covered with art projects and little tubs of paint and paint brushes.  This eccentric, middle-aged artist-type lady came up to me and said that our little tubs of paint were inadequate to finish our art projects, but that she had some in her trailer that she would gladly let us use.

I followed her into her trailer and she went into another room while I looked around.  She had a shelf of stuffed animals she had made out of yarn pom poms.  I leaned in to admire one particularly life-like siamese cat yarn pom pom stuffed animal and was just about to tell the eccentric middle-aged artist lady how impressed I was with her handiwork, when the cat suddenly jumped out, scaring the crap out of me.

Then I woke up.

What could it mean?  Do I want to take a road trip?  Dress up as a furry banana peel head next Halloween?  Become an artist?

Do I subconsciously distrust Asians?

Could I be a lesbian??  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

What are you dreaming of lately?

Things to scratch off the bucket list

13 Nov

#381: See Scar do a double axel in spandex.

 

IMG_2691

 

IMG_2692

 

I wasn’t prepared.

Second notice

21 Apr

Oh Jorge, Jorge.  Is there no end to your social ineptitude?

My husband received (via Facebook) a second “invitation” to contribute to the groom’s gift for the bride:

Subject: Help for my Wedding Surprise

Dear Friend,
As you may know I am getting married soon. Elektra is a wonderful young woman who is everything I’ve ever wanted. Because of my current circumstances I am unable to buy her a nice wedding gift. I am writing this to see, if possible, if a few of you can donate just $10 to us so that I can buy her something nice.

If you can, please go to (some website) and donate just $10 so that I can have something nice for her to enjoy. On the site just put in (some number) as our registry number and then using a Credit card you can donate.

I want to thank you all in advance for your generous help. You have all been great friends to Elektra and I.
Thanks,
Jorge

Sound familiar?  Yeah, basically it’s just a condensed, cut-to-the-chase version of the first e-mail.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he probably hasn’t had the response he’d hoped for.  He’s coming off a little desperate.  I’m halfway tempted to go to the stupid website and add $0.01 to his account, but there’s probably a minimum amount you can charge to a credit card, and there are limits to the lengths I will go to thumb my nose at someone—even someone as deserving as our friend Jorge.

I predict the next e-mail will say, “I want my ten dollars!”  We’ll never know if I’m right, though, as Chuck has had enough and unfriended him today.  I only wish he’d thought to send him a parting piece of flair:

shun-flair

No solicitors please

14 Apr

My husband forwarded me this message he got from a Facebook “friend” (names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty):

Subject: Wedding Surprise Help!?!

Dear Friends of Jorge & Elektra,
As many of you may know I am getting married soon. Elektra is a wonderful young woman who is everything I’ve ever wanted. Because of my current circumstances I am unable to buy her a nice wedding gift. I am writing this to see, if possible, if any of you can donate just $10 to us so that I can buy her the thing that she wants most. The thing she wants is a nice Kitchen Aid Mixer. She loves to bake and cook in the kitchen but without the right tools she get frustrated, so I wanted to get this for her as a wedding gift.

If you can, please go to (website) and donate just $10 so that I can have something nice for her to enjoy after we come back from the honeymoon. On the site just put in (a number) as our registry number and then using a Credit card you can donate.

I want to thank you all in advance for your generous help. You have all been great friends to Elektra and I.
Thanks,
Jorge

p.s. Don’t let Elektra know about this email. I want it to be a surprise.

A little background: Jorge was a missionary who served in our area a few years back.  Chuck served in our church congregation as mission leader for several years, so he has a few former missionaries as Facebook friends.  So we kind of know him.  Actually, one time when Chuck was giving this Elder and his companion a ride home after eating dinner at our house, he pulled out his camera and took a picture of DynaGirl in her carseat (she was three at the time).  Chuck thought that was kind of odd, but whatever.  Then the next time he goes to pick up the Elders from their apartment, he sees that this Elder has that picture of DynaGirl framed on his desk.  Super odd!  And creepy!  We didn’t know what we were supposed to do about that, and then he was transferred to a different area before we made up our minds.

Does anyone else find this more than a little tacky or is it just me?  See, my eyes read that, but my mind sees:

Subject: Wedding Surprise Help!?!

Dear Friends of Jorge & Elektra,
As many of you may know I am getting married soon. (For those of you who didn’t know it’s because you’re not invite-worthy.  But you’re certainly “can you give us a handout since we’re such good friends” worthy.) Elektra is a wonderful young woman who is everything I’ve ever wanted. (See, she is really deserving.)  Because of my current circumstances I am unable to buy her a nice wedding gift. (I’ve blown all my money on pyramid schemes and video games.)  I am writing this to see, if possible, if any of you can donate just $10 to us so that I can buy her the thing that she wants most.  (I need to sweeten the deal a bit.)  The thing she wants is a nice Kitchen Aid Mixer. She loves to bake and cook in the kitchen but without the right tools she get frustrated (that’s what he said), so I wanted to get this for her as a wedding gift. (Don’t just give us a gift, help me buy a gift that I can put my name on and get all the credit for.)

If you can, please go to (website) and donate just $10 (just the price of two lattes, you selfish b*******) so that I can have something nice for her to enjoy after we come back from the honeymoon. (She’s probably going to need some consolation.) On the site just put in (a number) as our registry number and then using a Credit card you can donate. (No personal checks, please)

I want to thank you all in advance for your generous help. You have all been great friends to Elektra and I. (Great friends give money.)
Thanks,
Jorge (Prince of Nigeria)

p.s. Don’t let Elektra know about this email. I want it to be a surprise.  (I don’t want Elektra to know it isn’t from me.  Plus she’d be totally mortified if she knew I was panhandling on the internets.)

Apparently, it’s snarky Tuesday.  Wow, sometimes I think I’m really not a very nice person.  That’ll teach Jorge to ask for a favor when it’s that time of the month.  Don’t mind me.  Just go about your business in your usual generous, compassionate way while I slather on the SPF 5000.