Archive | Kid speak RSS feed for this section

I’m like the crypt keeper

13 Sep

Last night Goose went roller skating with her church youth group. When she got home, Chuck and I grilled her on all the particulars as we strolled down our own memory lane.

Chuck: Did they have a disco ball?

Goose: Yeah.

Chuck: Did they turn the lights down low?

Goose: Yeah.

Chuck: Did they play music?

Goose: Yeah. They played old-timey stuff like Eye of the Tiger.

Me: Old-timey??

When did old-timey go from Jimmy Crack Corn to Eye of the Tiger??

Magnificent Seven

10 Sep

On July 31, BigHugs turned 7. Seven!

In honor of her 7th birthday, here are seven magnificent things about BigHugs:

1. She calls a 2-piece bathing suit a boo-kini.

2. She has developed a love for reading. Her current favorites are the Junie B. Jones books. Sometimes she insists on reading entire passages to me out loud so I can share her amusement. One day after reading The Mountain That Loved a Bird, she came to tell me all about it. “It was very nice. It has beautiful pictures. It took me places. Miss Celia [school librarian] has a chart that says stories take you places and this one did. It was me on a mountain. It was cool.”

3. She is admired by her peers. Last school year her class was encouraged to write letters to each other. She frequently received ones just like this:

Dear BigHugs,
I like you so much. You are smart. You are the little red hen. And you are kind and sweet. I like your handwritinge. You are cute. I like your jackit.

She is popular, not because she plays into the girl drama and manipulations that were already running rampant through her first grade classroom (that was so confusing to her!), but because she is kind and sweet to everyone.

4. She makes us laugh every day. The other night while we were eating chicken teriyaki she said, “I just can’t get these chopsticks to work. Are these for left-handers or something?”

5. She still absolutely adores pigs, and even had a pig-themed birthday party this year.

6. She is very sensitive to others and has a well-developed conscience. She feels guilt when she has done something wrong or thinks she’s done something wrong, and feels really bad if she thinks she has hurt someone else’s feelings. She is very quick to apologize and take responsibility for her actions.

7. She just started taking piano lessons and sings along while she practices the songs in her primer book. She also likes to sing along to the songs pre-programmed into our keyboard. There are few things more delightful than hearing your 7 year old singing “Fly Me to the Moon.”

Happy 7th Birthday, BigHugs! We love you!

What’s your butt’s maximum velocity?

12 Jun

Getting ready for the field trip.

BigHugs: Mrs. Scott said to wear your comfortable shoes to the zoo.

Mr. T: I like to wear my formal shoes to the zoo so I don’t feel underdressed when we see the penguins.

BigHugs: Does he really do that?  That’s weird.

I really can’t remember the last time Mr. T said something seriously.


In the car.

Goose: Is this still your 80’s CD? Can we listen to something else?

Mr. T: Yeah, seriously.

DynaGirl: You guys have to learn to accept Mom’s past.

Don’t we all?


Getting ready to go.

Me (to Mr. T): You better hurry your butt up!

Mr. T: My butt is at maximum velocity!

I wonder if my butt has ever been at maximum velocity.


I don’t usually talk about religion

20 Mar

Classic DynaGirl:

Why do they call it happy hour when it makes Jesus sad?


Scripture study tangents or Mr. T in perfect form:

DynaGirl: So our spirits look like our bodies?

Me: Yeah.

DynaGirl: So I’m always going to look like myself, even when I’m resurrected?

Me: Yeah, but you’ll be your most awesome self.

Mr. T: So I’ll have a karate gi, awesome sideburns and a reverse mullet with pecs like dinner plates.

I figured it was time for my monthly update

15 Feb

I had every intention of returning to a more regular schedule of blogging this year, but so far, well, you know.  I’m not even really busier than usual.  And quite frequently I find myself making “mental notes” for blog posts even.  Although, I’ve discovered my mental notes are good for about 4 1/2 minutes.  I don’t know what’s going on with me.

So what else is going on with me?  I’ve been watching an inordinate amount of TV lately.  Frankly, I always watch an inordinate amount of TV, but lately it’s been even more inordinater.  But I’d rather not talk about that.  It’s embarrassing.

My MIL was supposed to fly into town yesterday, but she has shingles.  FYI, Delta will wave penalty fees for ticket changes if you have a communicable disease.  They just have to confirm it with your doctor. 

Last week I exerted a lot of my precious time and energy preparing for her stay.  I had a long list of household chores to accomplish, and got as far as organizing the pantry, cleaning off the refrigerator (but not the inside) and microwave (the inside too!), cleaning/organizing the spice/pharmaceutical cabinet, cleaning the stove (but not the inside), wiping down the cabinets (but not the insides, except for the spice/pharmaceutical one because I found a dead fly in the back behind the ground nutmeg), scrubbing the countertops with a Mr. Clean magic eraser, and mopping the floor by hand.   That was my Mon, Tues, Wed.  It was exhausting, but also very gratifying.  But not gratifying enough apparently, because after getting the call on Thursday that Mom had the shingles, I lost all sense of urgency and momentum.

A note about the pantry cleaning…  This is something I do, like really do, maybe once or twice a year.  I know, gasp!  Anyway, in my experience, chores are more easily accomplished while doing something else that actually doesn’t suck like chatting with a friend.  So I spent the first half of my ordeal chatting it up with a pally of mine and then was able to finish the job while texting with another friend.  Here’s a portion of our stimulating coversation:

Friend: Oo I wish someone would clean out my pantry.
Me: If I lived there, I would totally do your pantry.
Friend: I appreciate that. If I lived near you…Let’s be honest, I probably wouldn’t. Unless eating some of the stuff out of it counts.
Me: That counts. Although the stuff that needs to be cleaned out probably shouldn’t be eaten. Muffin mix from 2008?
Friend: Yum. I have a big old can of clams that we’ve had since our first apartment. At this point I’m never going to get rid of it. I’ll keep it until the apocalypse and it will be the last thing we eat before we crawl in our beds to die. (that way we’ll die of food poisoning before the nuclear fallout gets us.)
Me: Good thinking. There’s a nice sentiment attached to that as an added bonus. The ridiculous thing is I do this deep pantry clean thing once a year, so how did some of these things make the cut last year? Or the year before? Or the year before?
Friend: It’s a mystery for the ages. And probably a question you’ll ask yourself again next year.
Me: And what’s with this “best by” date? I want a “do not consume under any circumstances after” date.
Friend: Ha. Yes!!
Me: I have about 20 partial packages of plastic/paper cups of all varieties. Similar count of “festive” napkins. ???
Friend: Have a party party for FHE tonight and use them.
Me: I would have to do that for every FHE this year. Is there a hoarders show specifically for disposable dinnerware?
Friend: Not yet but I think you’re on to something. Call the discovery network!!
Me: But can I live with the public shame?
Friend: That’s something you’re going to have to decide for yourself. But the whole process could be very healing for you.
Me: I wonder if that’s something the lady who stored her urine in dozens of half gallon juice bottles asked herself before signing up for the show.
Friend: It does make you wonder.
Me: The sad thing is when I’m done “organizing” most people won’t even be able to tell that I did anything.
Friend: Well they probably could until your kids get in there and screw it all up. And the kids probably could tell but they won’t care enough to notice.
Me: So basically it’s just another exercise in futility.
Friend: As is all cleaning.

I should also note that DynaGirl did notice and was very impressed and appreciative.  So I guess it wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Along with this early spring cleaning, I’m trying to establish specific chore assignments for the kids.  They do help around the house, but no one has a particular job they’re expected to do unless Mom says, “Hey, can you clean that up or something?”  I sat down with the kids one evening while Chuck was out of town and asked for their input.  Naturally, the first things volunteered for couldn’t even be considered chores.   BigHugs offered to pick up the couch throw pillows, and then it just went downhill from there.

Goose: I’ll get the eggs from the hen house!

Mr. T: As long as I get to milk the cow.

When I finally started to make some progress with my list, I met with some resistance.  I assigned Mr. T the downstairs guest toilet.

Mr. T: Wait, what?  I thought DynaGirl was cleaning the toilets.

Me: Why should only girls have to clean toilets?

Mr. T: Because I’m not a girl.

BigHugs: It’s true.

Me: BigHugs, how about you do the stairs–like if anyone puts stuff on the stairs or in the basket on the stairs you make sure it’s put away.

BigHugs: Noooooooooooooooo!

Mr. T: Also, if anyone gets hurt on the stairs, you have liability.

We’re still working on getting into the routine, but we’re making some progress.

Well, I think I’ve already exceeded my word count quota for the month.  Perhaps I’ll come back tomorrow and tell you about the third arm Mr. T is trying to grow, only partially successfully.

12 year old wishes

27 Sep

DynaGirl turns 12 on Sunday, and I’ve been bugging her to make a birthday list so I have some kind of clue what to do.  Here’s what she gave me yesterday:


New Toothbrush
Prisma Colored Pencils
Mirrors – One to go over my dresser and then a full one
Skulduggery Pleasant Books
Matched Books
Sweaters – cute ones
Mariachi Band costumes
Youtube Account
Bulletin Board
Analog Clock
Fruit Pops
+ Jamba Juice Popsicles
New Gym Shorts + Sweats
Are you still reading this?
World Peace
an Umpaloompa
a golden egg
meet Chuck Norris
Have you got ticked off yet?
Do you know what you’re gonna get me?
a bag of mice
some buttery socks

*These are in no particular order


Her birthday lists are always so helpful.

Sometimes I forget how funny my 6 year old is

13 Sep


BigHugs: Boyfriends aren’t supposed to burp in girlfriends’ faces.

Sing it, sister.


Last year’s kindergarten separation anxiety.

BigHugs: I wish I could make two of myselves–one to go to school and one to follow you.

Yeah, uh, me too.  A-hem.


This one’s from last school year too.

BigHugs: I want to pretend to be a dog–like after school or when I have free days or during Christmas break.  But if you ever want to take me for a walk, could you take me inside so my clothes don’t get all ruined and I don’t get hurt?  When I have clothes on when I’m a dog, just pretend that I don’t have clothes on because people who put clothes on their dog are weird.

She really thought this thing through.


12 Sep

Mr. T had a birthday.  He’s 15 and every bit as awesome as he was at 14.



After school snack.

Me: Why are you shoving that in your mouth all at once.  It’s not as enjoyable that way.

Mr. T: It’s more efficient.

Me: Food’s not about efficiency, it’s about enjoyment.

Mr. T: Everything’s about efficiency.  That’s why I try my hardest when I go to the bathroom.

Me: ???

Mr. T: I make every trip count.



Mr. T: If I shampoo my chest, does that mean more hair will grow?

He’s smarter than he looks.


Mr. T: If I were a millionaire, I’d completely fill my pockets with quarters and then go around asking random people trivia questions.  Then if they got the answers right, I’d throw quarters at them.

It’s important to have dreams.


Mr. T: I’m actually pretty sure I have like a good memory or something.

He gets it from me.


Mr. T: I’m a teenager.  We’re wasteful–it’s what we do.

Self-awareness abounds at this house.


At the dinner table. BigHugs still insists on chocolate milk.

Chuck: Eventually you’re going to need to learn to drink regular milk.

Mr. T: Eventually you’re going to need to learn to drink the blood of your enemies.

BigHugs: Ew, gross!

DynaGirl, to Mr. T: You have a dark mind.

Chuck: It’s all those video games.



Hidden treasures at the bottom of Mr. T’s backpack.

The guy with the sword has a jet pack on his back. I had to ask.

We love you, Mr. T.  Happy birthday! 
P.S. Hope you’re enjoying that giant beef stick!

It’s a good thing my self esteem isn’t dependent on my 5 year old

8 Jun

Does it come in a gel? I can't do paste.

Minding my own business.

BigHugs: Your teeth are kind of yellowish.

Me: Yeah, my teeth are kind of yellowish.

BigHugs: They’re like the color of pee.

All righty then.


Oh, Mr. T

16 May

Driving home from school.

Mr. T, laughing: Did you see that dog hanging out the window?

Me: No, I missed it.

Mr. T: I want to have a dog and train it to stick its head out the window and be my turn signal.

Me: Like doing the arm signals?

Mr. T: Yes!  That would be so awesome!

That would be pretty awesome.


Random moment.

Mr. T to DynaGirl: Ever wish you were a noodle?

Blank look from DynaGirl.

Mr. T: So it’s just me?

Yeah, pretty sure it’s just you.


Primping for school.

Mr. T: I feel like my head’s like a balloon.  If I squash down the sides, the top goes up.  If I squash down the top, the sides go out.

I feel like that about my entire body.


At the dinner table.

Mr. T: Awww, my green beans are cold…like my soul.

DynaGirl, deadpan between bites: You can say that again.

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.


After messing with mom.

Mr. T: When I’m on my death bed, I’m going to write a book about all the ways to mess with people’s minds and then pass it on to my grandchildren or something.

See, I told you.


Watching Pride and Prejudice—the part where Elizabeth storms upstairs after Lady C’s visit.

Goose: Why is she so upset?

Me: Because that lady told her she wasn’t good enough to marry her nephew.

Goose: Aren’t they engaged though?

Me: Well, he asked her before, but she thought he was a jerk so she said no, and now she knows he isn’t a jerk, but she doesn’t know if he still wants to marry her.

Mr. T: I had an experience like that once.

Oh, Mr. T.