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12 Nov

First off, remember this?  I had the biggest crush on Johnny Gage.  He made me weak in my six-year-old knees.


And check out how well he’s aged.


Randolph Mantooth—Rrrowrr!  (OK, I totally just weirded myself out with the rrrowrring.)

So you know how I occasionally get misdirected e-mails?  Well, the latest have been from a gal who is in charge of emergency preparedness for her church congregation.  I’ve gotten information on some great deals on bulk candles and wheat.  I haven’t bothered to tell her her mail has gone astray because frankly, this is helpful information.  And amusing.  I got this one the other day that was actually a forward from another guy.  And don’t worry, I’ve changed the name to protect the innocent.

I learned something new I wish to share with everyone.  Rolls of Toilet Tissue are available through contacting a janitorial supply company, you can get the super large rolls of toilet paper for substantially less money by the case.  I intend to buy 3 to 10 cases for personal use.

 Reg McDougall

I love how he felt the need to capitalize “Toilet Tissue”. I can only assume he intended to catch the reader’s attention. There are a lot of e-mail skimmers out there, you know, and had he not gone with the capitals, they may have missed this potentially life-saving information completely.

I wish I had Reg’s contact information as I have a number of follow-up questions.

1.  How would you define “super large”?  Are we talking a double-double roll?  A wheel?

2.  Three to 10 cases, Reg?  That’s quite a range there to be considering.  I’ll either buy three of these or ten of these or some number in between.  How will you decide?

3.  You’ll be using 3 to 10 cases personally?  Like all by yourself?  Maybe he’s awaiting some test results, and depending on the outcome, he’ll be buying 3 to 10 cases.  It would be foolish to buy 10 now without knowing what the chances are he’ll be around long enough to use them.  Or maybe you mean personal as in:

Concerned friend:  What are you going to do with 3 to 10 cases of super large rolls of toilet paper, Reg? 

Reg:  I’d rather not talk about it.  It’s personal.

Or maybe:

Reg:  I’d like to order 3 to 10 cases of super large rolls of toilet paper.

Janitorial supply company sales rep:  And what will you be doing with the Toilet Tissue, sir?

Reg:  Um, it’s personal.

Janitorial supply company sales rep:  I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to need that information for my form before I can complete the transaction.

Reg:  Click.

4.  Just how big is the toilet paper holder in your bathroom?  Do you have your own personal stall at home complete with metal toilet paper lockbox?  Ooh, do you have a toilet seat cover dispenser?  Where might I find one of those?  Can the toilet seat covers be purchased by the case as well?  I’d like 3 to 10 cases for personal use.

Did anyone else watch Emergency!?  Johnny Gage.  Swooning sigh.



You mean this poem, Betty?

23 Sep

Remember this?  I’ve been pretty disappointed not to have received any further updates on Chantella and Cristoph.  Oh Daydream Believer, where are you?  Have your dreams come true?  I did, however, recently receive (OK, I just had to look up “receive”.  You know how you type a word, but it looks wrong, so you type it the other way and it looks wrong, too?  Even though it’s right?  And it’s a word you’ve known how to spel [Holy ironic mispelling {Holy frick!  I just misspelled mispelling.  Double the irony!  Double the fun!}, Batman!  I left it in for your amusement.] correctly for at least 25 years, and you’ve been doing so with absolutely no problem until right this second?)  (Is there a limit to how many parentheticals you can have within a parenthetical?  Did I just misspell parenthetical?  Now I have to look that one up, too.  Phew!  I got that one right.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah, I recently received this:

Sister Bythelbs,

Just a note to ask if you still have a copy of the poem I wrote??? I forgot to keep one for my file. I don’t know what I was thinking. If you do, please e-mail it to me. Also thanks for the squash. It was soooooo GOOD! The reunion was so great and the Temple was just perfect. Love Betty


Betty, Betty, Betty.  What were you thinking?  You always keep one for the file.  I sure hope that other Sis. Bythelbs kept the poem.  That would be kind of awkward to have to admit to Betty that the poem was not treasured enough to have been kept in a safe place where it could be properly cherished for all eternity.  I hate to admit it, but I was halfway tempted to write a reply, thanking her for her praise of my gardening and gathering skills and including my own made up version of her poem.  But I thought better of it.  It’s just not neighborly to be screwing with people like that.  And I’m good folk.  Deep down.

But if I weren’t such good folk, and you were me, what kind of poem might I/you write? 

I could really go for some of that squash right about now.






This is not the party to whom you are speaking

22 Jul

Our family e-mail address is just our last name at internet provider dot net. I’ve never really thought of my last name as being very common, but apparently in certain parts of the country it is because we are forever getting e-mails meant for someone else. And it’s not even always the same someone elses.

Here’s the latest (I’ve “changed” the names to protect the strange strangers):

Sent: Tuesday, July 01, 2008 3:12 PM
To: bythelbs’ last name at internet provider dot net
Subject: 1 ? 2 Me

Christoph asked me outright today, “Has Sis. Bythelbs ever told you anything about Chantella?”
I said, “yes, she told me that she called you when you were on your date with Chantella, and that Chantella texted her with your phone, she told me that she and Chantella have been communicating somehow, and she told me that Chantella’s heart keeps breaking over you, so Sis. Bythelbs suggested that Chantella shouldn’t be always making the calls, and that she should back off for a while and see how long it would take you [Christoph] to realized that you missed her and would call her back.”
He just said, “Oh,” like he was fitting it into his thoughts, but it wasn’t a readable inflection.

I told him later on that I thought that your advice to her was good advice, but it would have been easier if it wasn’t him on the other end.
I told him that mothers do daydream, and I gave him an example of another mother and her daydream for her 7 year old daughter, a person he thought would never do this, but she doesn’t talk about it unless specifically asked, and that it’s just what we do. I told him that I used to have Chantella in my daydreams with him, until I met Kelly and saw a perfect match in looks, and placed her into my dreams, but that if after his mission he finds that he’s in love with Chantella, I think she would make a great wife and mother, but I can’t tell where his heart goes. I told him that I’m glad he’s just friends with them right now, but if he was ever boyfriend/girlfriend with someone, I would like that, too, but that I thought it best not to go there until he’s ready to look for someone to consider marriage with and after his mission, becaue the chances of a girl getting hooked before he returns is pretty great, which is why I wouldn’t want Chantella to wait for him, because I don’t want her to miss her chance, taking the chance on Christoph, because that is also no guarantee that way, either. Then I went into the “I hope you date all the girls that wrote to you three times each, then …,” letting him know that I don’t really expect he’s going to follow my scientific way of dating, but that mom’s dream for our kids. That’s what we do.

So, the main reason I am writing to you is the first paragraph, but I thought you’d like to know the rest, too.

-Daydream Believer

I’m not sure I totally understand what’s going on, but I think I’m feeling sorry for Chantella. I was going to reply to Angela to let her know she had the wrong Sis. Bythelbs, but I’d like to know what Christoph decides and if he breaks poor Chantella’s heart again. Plus I’m kind of diggin’ Angela’s writing.

I can’t tell where his heart goes.

He just said, “Oh,” like he was fitting it into his thoughts, but it wasn’t a readable inflection.

Mom’s dream for our kids. That’s what we do.

That’s literary gold, people.