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Wacky Search Term Wednesday: special parenting edition

3 Nov

It’s picture retake day at the elementary school, and as much as I’d like to say that my adorable kindergartener looks perfectly darling no matter what frizzy-haired, squinty-eyed, crazy butt grimace face she makes, I just cannot.  So even though there is little in this world that stresses me out more than picture days and I have little hope of any kind of marked improvement over the original disaster (BigHugs spent this morning practicing her “smiles” in the mirror and at one point asked if she should “raise my eyebrows up like this because I can if you want, Mom”), I sent BigHugs off to school with carefully combed hair and moisturized cheeks and lips and a secret challenge whispered in the cold, dark corners of my bitter, jaded heart—“Do your worst, universe.”  And now that I’ve surely invoked the fury of the elementary school picture taking gods, I need a little distraction to keep me from curling up on my sofa in the fetal position until the “new and improved” pictures come back in 3-5 weeks.  Enter the return of Wacky Search Term Wednesday: special parenting edition, since I feel like an especially special parent today.  No, honey, please don’t raise your eyebrows.  Don’t lay down, I just fixed your hair!  I have to put the cream on to cover up this dead crusty skin action you’ve got going on on your eyelid.  Don’t forget to smile!  Non-freakishly!

slotty pageant child—There’s nothing more pathetic than a stage mom trying to live vicariously through her toddler.  So you took 12th place in the 1976 Reno Junior Miss Slots Pageant.  Let it go.  Take those ridiculous sparkling lights and triple cherries off your child and let her live her own life.

what does broken hand look like?—You know, sometimes we worry about being that parent who runs to the ER over every sniffle, every bump or bruise, but take it from me, if you have to ask this question, you should probably just go.  No, really.  Trust me, I should know.

what is it called when a giraffe swallow—Don’t you just love all those random questions kids come up with?  Questions that no normal parent knows the answers to?  Their relentless inquisitiveness is so endearing and not at all annoying.  In this case, I’m having a hard time figuring out why there would be a different word for “swallow” just because a giraffe’s doing it.  So, sorry, can’t help you there.  But I can give you another little tidbit of useful trivia that you can put in your mental pocket for future use:  Giraffes don’t have vocal chords, so they don’t make sounds.  You might be able to spare your child years of frustration with this one.

how did the easter bunny get in my house—At first glance I thought this was a child googler, but I think it’s more likely a parent looking for ideas for a plausible story lie.  Well, I cannot in good conscience help you, lying, scheming parents.  We do not propagate the easter bunny myth here.  How can you expect to earn your child’s respect and trust if you keep lying to him?  Now if your kid starts asking about Santa, like, “We don’t even have a chimney, how does Santa get in our house?”, you just tell him, “Um, hello Einstein, magic?  He’s got flying reindeer, for Pete’s sake, you don’t think he can do a little winkadeedoo poof-like action into our living room?  Sheesh.”  He’ll thank you later.

toothfairy forgetting to come at night—You need to be careful about this one.  If you forget too  many times in a row, your kid’s going to start getting a complex about the toothfairy not liking her or something.  Plus the longer you go, the greater the expectation of a cool prize.  You don’t want that, my friend.  That sets a dangerous precedent.

note from tooth fairy—What, like an IOU or something?  If you’re really strapped for cash, just borrow some.  No one will ever know, and eventually you’ll forget, too, so you won’t even have to pay back the loan.  Win-win.

the tooth fairy is dead—Now you’re just being lazy.  And cheap.  And maybe even kind of cruel.  Should have thought this one through.  Therapy’s going to cost you a heckuva lot more than that dollar under the pillow.  Dude, were you not listening?  It doesn’t even have to be your dollar.

who killed the tooth fairy—Oh what a tangled web you weave.  See, the thing about lies is you almost always have to come up with more lies to back up your story.  So you throw a little harmless “the tooth fairy is dead out there”, thinking that will be the end of it, but that is only the beginning, my friend, only the beginning.  Have you not seen Law & Order?  Law & Order: Criminal Intent?  Law & Order: SVU?  Law & Order: Los Angeles? Law & Order: UK?  CSI?  CSI: Miami?  CSI: New York?  And these detectives have nothing on a tooth-fairy scorned kid heck-bent on catching your cheap butt in a lie.  You can’t possibly think you’re going to get away with this.  They will crack you.

aunt fanny’s toothbrush rug—Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe we should teach our children gratitude and courtesy and to respect their elders and all those other core values that seem to be so lacking in today’s generation of self-entitled, self-centered, cell phone toting, luxury car driving brat bags.  But when the nutjob relatives send their wackadoo homemade Christmas gifts, don’t torture your child by making them embrace the crazy.  Tell Little Susie to shove that toothbrush cozy hand knitted from Mr. Tibbles’s shed fur into the deepest, darket corner of her closet and not to pull it out until Aunt Fanny comes to visit.

Wacky Search Term Wednesday: 2010 debut!

10 Mar

I’ve been avoiding the WSTW installments, not for lack of worthy WSTW search terms, but for lack of worthy WSTW commentary.  I’ve always felt like these things can’t be forced, but sitting around waiting for the inspiration to come isn’t working.  So I’m forcing it.   I’m forcing the heck out of it.

Let’s do this thing.

le sigh in french means what in english—le seriously?

define bare witness—Talk about your court room drama!  Or trauma (depending on the witness—I can’t make that call without more evidence.)  I can’t handle the naked truth!

on a fancy date but with empty wallet i—am a schmuck?  went home alone?  wonder if she’s going to call?  Yes, undoubtedly, and don’t hold your breath.

valentines day wasn’t very good—Dude, try bringing some cash next time.

gang of sock monkeys strewn out on crack—Darn you, Columbians!  Darn you to heck!

homeowners fail to refinance jesus—This is not an area of your life you want to cut corners on.  You can’t bargain shop the Lord.  See you in heck.  Say hi to the Columbians.

make my artery in leg stop throbbing—I’m sorry.  I wish I could help, but there’s nothing I can do.  You must believe me when I say even my power has limits. 

don’t trust snuggie—Have we learned nothing from the Visitors?  Sure, they claim to come in peace in a spirit of interspecies goodwill and benevolence.  “Let us cure your diseases, share our advanced technology, provide you with a means of comfort and warmth while allowing you to keep your hands free for a bounty of humanoid activities.”  And then the next thing you know, “they’re conquering and subduing the planet, stealing all of the Earth’s water, and harvesting the human race as food, leaving only a few as slaves and cannon fodder for their wars with other alien races.”  Conspiracy theorists never get their due respect until it’s too late.

facts about cow bell as an instrument—Fact #1: The cowbell is an instrument of awesomeness.  Fact #2: See Fact #1.

birthday greetings to mommy from the wom(b)—I don’t know what disgusts me more, this or those people who give each other birthday cards from their cats.

i accidentally put a talisman in the was(her)—I recommend postponing all quests until you have that checked out.  Nothing more reckless and/or  irresponsible than embarking on a journey of unknown peril potential without a fully-functioning charm of magical protection.  Trust me.

unicorn wearing flip flops—So much better than a unicorn wearing thongs.  Trust me.

head and butt towel what so special—Dude, if you have to ask, ew.  The sides are two different colors for a reason.  A good reason.  EW.

if you pick your nose can you do any dam—n good?  age?  Yes and yes.  Use discretion, though, and care.  It’s sometimes helpful to follow up with a nice, cleansing blow.  But stay away from the brown side of the towel.  Trust me.

wishing her stars for making me laugh—This sounds like one of those charming, down-home, southern phrases.  Every time y’all make me laugh, I’ll be wishin’ y’all stars, too, now, ya hear?!  A whole big dipper full!  Y’all!

the magic of making laugh—This sounds like a badly translated stand-up comedian how-to book originally written in Armenian.  Chapter 12:  You know coming of the success when persons be wishing you the stars.

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special greatest hits edition

16 Dec

This special greatest hits WSTW is from this week last year—you know, back when I was still occasionally trying, or at least special occasionally trying. 

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special holiday edition

This post title may be a tad misleading, as there is nothing especially holidayish about this WSTW other than the fact that it will have been written during the holiday season. I’m just trying to get in the spirit of the season. Plus doesn’t “special holiday edition” sound more intriguing and/or festive than “nuthin special edition”?

is a unibrow park of puberty—Originally I thought this was a typo. Surely “park” was meant to be “part”. Except seeing how the “k” is, in fact, nowhere near the “t” on the keyboard, I can only assume that some poor adolescent googler did indeed mean “park”. And that being the case, methinks some poor adolescent googler’s parents might be taking the whole “birds and bees, flowers and trees” analogy a wee bit far. But who am I to tell anyone how to raise their child? This is a very sensitive issue for most, so I’ll play along to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes or popping anyone’s protective bubble of euphemismia. Yes, young one, I believe in the park of puberty grass begins to grow in places where grass has not heretofore grown, including the area betwixt the eyebrows, or rather, the area that should be betwixt the eyebrows, which is to say that there should be a betwixt, which would require two of something for there to be something else in between. So if there is no longer any betwixting in the eyebrowal region, then I might suggest mowing the lawn, so to speak, as I’m afraid that there is but one who can pull off the unibrow, and that one, of course, would be Bert. Just be careful as you’re manicuring your lawn that you don’t go overboard. Gentle landscaping, young one. Gentle landscaping.

impressive sock monkey—Is there any other kind?

sock monkey cool’—Word.

hot sock monkey—Oh, come now. Don’t go trying to pervify innocence in its purest form.

monkey out of crack—Are you trying to make a monkey out of crack? Or is your monkey stuck in a crack and you need advice on how to extract him? What kind of crack? Sidewalk? Cocaine? Bum? We can’t proceed without further details.

doctor sock monkey—Are you looking for a doctor for your sock monkey or a sock monkey who practices medicine? Again, details people, details. Kind of important. Or perhaps this is a pet name for someone? I’m hearing Barry White, “You can call me Dr. Sock Monkey, baby. Yeah.”

unicorn picter—Hmmm. No unicorn “picters” here, but if unicorns are really your thing, may I direct you here? (Thanks for the link, Mad. Pure awesome.)

“pond scene” austen—You mean this pond scene? In that case, it should really be “pond scene” awesome. (Also, you have to check this out:)

grils pees—Grills peas? Girls pees? Girls please? I’m stumped.

sorry poems i called you someone else’s—Pulling a Ross there? I’m not certain a poem is going to make up for calling your significant other the wrong name. It might depend on the context. Were you asking for her to please pass the grilled peas or were you in a more romantical situation, if you know what I mean? Or wait, are you apologizing to the poems?

“cause I’m a winner no not a loser”—Self-affirmation can be a very helpful tool in the quest for a healthy self image. Try saying it in front of a mirror. You will never find your true sense of self worth on the internets, my friend. It must come from within. And you are a winner, no not a loser. Unless you’re that joker who called his girlfriend by the wrong name. Pretty weenie.

ginger + burning sensation— = a sorry excuse for a snap.

help me oh load to live and see the offs—I think I know where you’re coming from. When my washing machine was on the fritz I oft found myself saying “help me oh load” or “Load, have mercy!” If you need any washer repair tips, come on back. I’m pretty much an expert.

my womb card—Is this some kind of license? Not a bad idea, actually—a license to reproduce. Or maybe it’s some kind of fetus networking tool? If a womb card is drawn out of the jar, can the fetus collect on the free IHOP meal postpartum or in utero? Mmmm…rutti tutti fresh and fruity.

later suckahs—Right back atchya. Actually, I’m thinking of closing up shop for a little while so I can spend more time with my children and focus on my fami… *snort* Sorry, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to pull that one off with a straight face. But really, it’s that hustly bustly time of year so I may not be around a whole lot the next couple weeks. I’m sure I’ll be stopping by to bring you good tidings of great Christmas and New Year’s joy. Until then, later suckahs!

It is entirely possible that I will follow last year’s tradition of closing up shop for the holidays.  Not that you’d notice much, as my posting has become increasingly sporadic as of late.  We’ll see how things go.  In the meantime, just know that I’m wishing you the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of holidays!

Wacky Search Term Wednesday returns!

4 Nov

(Non-triumphantly.)

Don’t leave me hanging!

she’d do anything necessary for him, and

what does more cowbells have to do with

Never mind.  I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.

how to get baby powder to stick to your

why is a diabetic not allowed to use the

Why, thank you.

a clever conversationist  (But I believe you meant “conversationalist”.)

“i love you like jim loves pam”

I wouldn’t recommend that.

no lid deodorant

playing piano in pantyhose

goose part 1 and 2 by chuck norris

build your own funeral pyre

I wouldn’t eat that, if I were you.  Or me.

crap birthday cake

brown tic tacs

trauma cake

“roma tomatoes” “black inside”

Doesn’t everyone?

i worry too much after looking like an i(diot)  (No, I guess not.)

concave armpits  (If not, I’d have that looked at.)

Sicko!

enjoy armpit whiff -she -her -girl -woma

cow print latex rubber

chuck norris erotica

Seriously, get some help.

lick my womb

stalking shelves

Mad’s husband’s been here.

“sleep country lady”

What if you’re just sure?

raise your hand if you’re sure sure

I would sue.  (Although, with that flavor choice you were kind of asking for it.)

side-effect tic tac spearmint for 2 year

It’s too late for that.  Put your money where your mouth is.

tic tacs sorry

I’d pay to see that.

funny curriculum night powerpoints

liberace eating pancakes

Someone is suspicious.

can a goose break your arm?

broke “arms” “casts”

why would a doctor make you wear a sling

“her eye appointment” “glasses”

the cake is a lie birthday

A “rose” by any other name…

loud pulse after squats

Testify!

grab the cowbell words in a song

i got a witness more cowbell

Accept no substitutes.

chuck norris look alike shoes

action pants de chick norris

chusk norris

chuck norros

Can you be more specific?

pity

sock*

kiwi fruit

dentistry monkey steal potato

Questions for the ages.

why does my fire alarm squeak

dairy queen pancake platter – what’s inc

what do you mean by de-pulping

If you have to ask…

how long is meat good in the freezer

explanation of chuck norris potato chip

what’s wrong with shaking tic tacs

You won’t find that here.

flossitude

motivational friday

the meaning of lbs

proof of sanity

Wacky Search Term Wednesday

3 Jun

You know, every time I set out to do a WSTW post I’ve got to ask myself one question, “Do I feel funny?  Well, do ya, punk?”  And lately, the answer has always been no, hence the WSTW special match’em up game edition for which Julie totally called me out.  Yeah, I tried to put the focus on you under the guise of a party game so as to draw attention away from the fact that I believe I may have, in fact, lost my WST mojo.  But when you fall off that blogging gimmick, you’ve just got to get back on it and try again, face your fears, blah, blah, blah. Plus, really, this isn’t about me, it’s about the freaks.  We’d all do well to keep that in mind.

dress unassertive party—First, let me say there’s nothing worse than a vague party invitation.  What does this mean?  Is this the new casual?  So jeans and t-shirts?  Are we talking sweats here?  Or is it more of a formal affair?  Maybe an ugly cocktail dress that makes you feel all frumpy and nonexistant-like?  Party planners take note: a good host does everything possible to make their guests feel welcome and at ease, including providing clear instructions for how guests are expected to dress.  Sheesh.

bday cake 2 years old—Dude, don’t eat that.  I don’t care how good it is.  Or was.  I don’t care if it was iced with (or by) frickin’ Chuck Norris.  Just throw it out.

imagen de guacamole—Oh, I’m imagening, baby. I’m imagening my butt off.  Well, more like my butt on.  Dang guacamole and it’s fat/calorie-laden goodness!  But oh, hohoho…

pulling a jeans—You know how when one of your friends does something lame or stupid and you kind of all dub that act as “pulling a (insert friend’s name here)”?  I’m trying to imagine what these poor jeans could have done to warrant such razzing.  And also who else you would apply the expression to.  “Oh (insert eye roll here), there’s shorts pulling a jeans again.”  Are the shorts then offended?

none taken meaning—I think it’s something like, “#$!*% you!”

scummed pencil—Are you looking for one or trying to find a way to descum yours?  Pencils are cheap, man.  Just chuck it.  No pencil could be worth the trouble.

paper towels+vince offer—I have no idea where this is going, but I’m intrigued.  Heaven knows I love me some paper towels.  Is Vince going to make me an offer I can’t refuse?

what if you knew you were going to die?—Are you threatening me, Vince?  Let this be a lesson to you all.  Think twice before accepting any offers from a guy named Vince, no matter how tempting, no matter what the stakes.  Yes, even when there’s paper towels on the line.

cheetos in burning car—Get them out, man!  For the love of Chester, get them out!  Wait, are we talkin’ crunchy or puffs?  (*bonus feature alternative commentary:  Please, Vince, not the cheetos!  They’re innocent!  They haven’t done anything wrong!  They haven’t hurt anyone!  It’s me you want!  I’ll do whatever you want, just please leave the cheetos alone!)

necessities of life—Save the cheetos!

stalkery update and feelings—I so wish I could think of something funny to say right now.

to have a pancake on one’s head—How does it feel, Susan?

diaper taking out the trash—Now this I’d like to see.

fall out with your husband stick flip fl—(ops in toilet).  Now that’s a little childish, isn’t it?  Next time, in the heat of the moment, just stop and take a few minutes to think about it before you do anything rash.  I think then you’ll realize the flip flop thing would be a mistake.  Go for the toothbrush.

chuck norris before and after—When you’re talking about a run in with Mr. Norris, it’s probably best not to think about the after.  As for the before, well, maybe it’s best to  just avoid that little sitch-ee-a-shun altogether.

fat kids eating tic tacs—Yeah, I know it says the 1 1/2 calorie breath mint, but let’s not kid ourselves here.  I don’t care what you’ve heard, what someone’s been trying to sell you, Tic Tacs are not the quick fix miracle diet food.  That burning sensation is not doing anything to melt away the pounds, it’s just making your breath cool and minty fresh.  Heaven knows there’s nothing wrong with that, but you’ll never get anywhere until you accept the fact that it’s not about dieting, it’s about lifestyle changes.

what happened to spearmint tic tacs?—Don’t look at me.  Ask the fat kids.

yooyh fairy—“Dude, what happened to all your teeth?”  “Yooyh fairy.”  “Dude.”

sex wivals—No offense, but I’m really not comfortable hearing someone with your kind of speech impediment talking about S-E-X.  It just kind of weirds me out.  So just keep it to yourself, OK?

caption ideas for thinking person—OK, so I am going to put some of this on you.  Here’s a few pictures of some “thinking persons”.  Gimme your captions.

Thinking person #1

thinking person 1

Thinking person #2

thinking person 3

Thinking person #3

thinking person 6

Thinking person #4

thinking person 5

Thinking person #5

thinking twilight

WST match ’em up results

19 May

Out of the seven of you who played along, there was a three-way tie for first with a total of 4 correct.  I think it’s interesting that 4 seemed to be the threshhold that could not be crossed.  But don’t feel badly—just take comfort in the fact that you all are not as big of freaks as the average googler.  Or maybe you all are even bigger freaks than the average googler.  Feel free to choose whichever option brings you the most happiness.

So our top three (with their correct answers) are:

Madhousewife
G25 – chuck norris and cake decorating
I10 – used food paper towel
K18 – his and hers face butt towel
W11 – rabbit morphs into rocket

Shauntae
A6 – can you help i’ve got this strange sexual
H2 – golden toilet
K18 – his and hers face butt towel
R16 – round chewy sweet balls japan

Kamilli
H2 – golden toilet
K18 – his and hers face butt towel
P4 – pimp my chuck norris
W11 – rabbit morphs into rocket

Congratulations top 3! Look for some small token of my affection and appreciation of your wacky awesomeness coming to you soon.

I would also like to acknowledge our first runner up:

Jamie
A6 – can you help I’ve got this strange sexual
E20 – dark blue callous heel fungus
K18 – his and hers face butt towel

And second runners up:

Susan
A6 – can you help I’ve got this strange sexual
P21 – pimp my chuck norris

Kathy
F17 – cheees grater jeans
R16 – round chewy sweet balls japan

And third runner up:

Cheryl
S22 – ped egg warnings

Thank you all for playing! Here is the entire list of correct answers for those of you who feel compelled to see where you went wrong.

A6 – can you help i’ve got this strange sexual – I keep hearing Marvin Gaye, “Can you help…I’ve got this strange sexual feeeeeling.”
B13 – drag queen sock monkey – The sock monkey kingdom discriminates against no man. Or woman. Or man/woman.
C19 – cheese grate ball ouch – Ouch!
D23 – phobias about shoes being worn – You know, when I buy a new pair of shoes, I always check the soles. If the soles show the slightest indication of wear, even maybe just a piece of lint that might indicate a trip or two down the shoe aisle while being tried on, I look for another pair. The ones with the plastic/paper/cardboard still shoved in the toe are most reassuring.
E20 – dark blue callous heel fungus – Ew. Like, ew.
F17 – cheees grater jeans – But where does the cheees go? Into a receptacle built into the pants? Does it just smoosh into your legs? I think the folks in R&D have some more work to do on this one.
G25 – chuck norris and cake decorating – I can see Mr. Norris cake decorating. I bet he kicks those frosting roses’ butts!
H2 – golden toilet – “I’ve got a golden toilet! I’ve got a golden chance to take my _____.  And with a golden toilet it’s a golden day!”
I10 – used food paper towel – I personally don’t recycle my paper towels. That’s why I buy the paper towel. I take comfort in the single-use concept. Like toilet paper. Single use.
J14 – mobile phone self portrait blonde mirror – ???
K18 – his and hers face butt towel – Just one towel? To share? For faces and butts?  Let’s revisit this single use idea.
L5 – ginger underpants – Colored? Scented? Flavored? Is there some kind of medicinal quality here?
M9 – chicken thigh weird part – I HATE it when I bite into the chicken thigh weird part. Shudder.
N24 – hoa hong i love you – I love Susan more. And Alison Wonderland.
O15/26 – nude birthday cake – Frostingless?
P4/21 – pimp my chuck norris – As if you could make him any more awesome than he already is.
Q1 – susan pancake head – Ha-Ha! (Think Nelson.)
R16 – round chewy sweet balls japan – I can’t help thinking of this.  Sorry.
S22 – ped egg warnings – Yeah, that’s kind of boring.
T15/26 – embarrassing birthday cake – Was it nude?
U4/21 – sexy chuck norris – Word.
V8 – washing machine nude – My washing machine is currently nude. My dryer, on the other hand, is fully clothed.
W11 – rabbit morphs into rocket – This is one of those, “And this brought you here?”
X3 – spot a fake ped egg – Bor-ing.
Y7 – tommy lee measurements – Are there really still people this interested in Tommy Lee?
Z12 – alison wonderland look-alike – a million a dollars!

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special match ’em up edition

13 May

As if WSTW wasn’t wacky enough, we’re going to mix it up with a little game.  The lettered column has the first halves of the WSTs, while the numbered column has the second halves.  Post your answers in the comments section in letter/number form (i.e. A12, B5, etc.) or as completed terms (i.e. “can you help i’ve got this pancake head”—that’s not correct, btw).  How many can you guess correctly?  There may or may not be a prize involved. Remember, think wacky!

A. can you help i’ve got this
B. drag queen
C. cheese grate
D. phobias about
E. dark blue
F. cheees grater
G. chuck norris and
H. golden
I. used food
J. mobile phone
K. his and hers
L. ginger
M. chicken thigh
N. hoa hong
O. nude
P. pimp my
Q. susan
R. round chewy
S. ped egg
T. embarrassing
U. sexy
V. washing machine
W. rabbit
X. spot a fake
Y. tommy lee
Z. alison wonderland

1. pancake head
2. toilet
3. ped egg
4. chuck norris
5. underpants
6. strange sexual
7. measurements
8. nude
9. weird part
10. paper towel
11. morphs into rocket
12. look-alike
13. sock monkey
14. self portrait blonde mirror
15. birthday cake
16. sweet balls japan
17. jeans
18. face butt towel
19. ball ouch
20. callous heel fungus
21. chuck norris
22. warnings
23. shoes being worn
24. i love you
25. cake decorating
26. birthday cake