It’s picture retake day at the elementary school, and as much as I’d like to say that my adorable kindergartener looks perfectly darling no matter what frizzy-haired, squinty-eyed, crazy butt grimace face she makes, I just cannot. So even though there is little in this world that stresses me out more than picture days and I have little hope of any kind of marked improvement over the original disaster (BigHugs spent this morning practicing her “smiles” in the mirror and at one point asked if she should “raise my eyebrows up like this because I can if you want, Mom”), I sent BigHugs off to school with carefully combed hair and moisturized cheeks and lips and a secret challenge whispered in the cold, dark corners of my bitter, jaded heart—“Do your worst, universe.” And now that I’ve surely invoked the fury of the elementary school picture taking gods, I need a little distraction to keep me from curling up on my sofa in the fetal position until the “new and improved” pictures come back in 3-5 weeks. Enter the return of Wacky Search Term Wednesday: special parenting edition, since I feel like an especially special parent today. No, honey, please don’t raise your eyebrows. Don’t lay down, I just fixed your hair! I have to put the cream on to cover up this dead crusty skin action you’ve got going on on your eyelid. Don’t forget to smile! Non-freakishly!
slotty pageant child—There’s nothing more pathetic than a stage mom trying to live vicariously through her toddler. So you took 12th place in the 1976 Reno Junior Miss Slots Pageant. Let it go. Take those ridiculous sparkling lights and triple cherries off your child and let her live her own life.
what does broken hand look like?—You know, sometimes we worry about being that parent who runs to the ER over every sniffle, every bump or bruise, but take it from me, if you have to ask this question, you should probably just go. No, really. Trust me, I should know.
what is it called when a giraffe swallow—Don’t you just love all those random questions kids come up with? Questions that no normal parent knows the answers to? Their relentless inquisitiveness is so endearing and not at all annoying. In this case, I’m having a hard time figuring out why there would be a different word for “swallow” just because a giraffe’s doing it. So, sorry, can’t help you there. But I can give you another little tidbit of useful trivia that you can put in your mental pocket for future use: Giraffes don’t have vocal chords, so they don’t make sounds. You might be able to spare your child years of frustration with this one.
how did the easter bunny get in my house—At first glance I thought this was a child googler, but I think it’s more likely a parent looking for ideas for a plausible
story lie. Well, I cannot in good conscience help you, lying, scheming parents. We do not propagate the easter bunny myth here. How can you expect to earn your child’s respect and trust if you keep lying to him? Now if your kid starts asking about Santa, like, “We don’t even have a chimney, how does Santa get in our house?”, you just tell him, “Um, hello Einstein, magic? He’s got flying reindeer, for Pete’s sake, you don’t think he can do a little winkadeedoo poof-like action into our living room? Sheesh.” He’ll thank you later.
toothfairy forgetting to come at night—You need to be careful about this one. If you forget too many times in a row, your kid’s going to start getting a complex about the toothfairy not liking her or something. Plus the longer you go, the greater the expectation of a cool prize. You don’t want that, my friend. That sets a dangerous precedent.
note from tooth fairy—What, like an IOU or something? If you’re really strapped for cash, just borrow some. No one will ever know, and eventually you’ll forget, too, so you won’t even have to pay back the loan. Win-win.
the tooth fairy is dead—Now you’re just being lazy. And cheap. And maybe even kind of cruel. Should have thought this one through. Therapy’s going to cost you a heckuva lot more than that dollar under the pillow. Dude, were you not listening? It doesn’t even have to be your dollar.
who killed the tooth fairy—Oh what a tangled web you weave. See, the thing about lies is you almost always have to come up with more lies to back up your story. So you throw a little harmless “the tooth fairy is dead out there”, thinking that will be the end of it, but that is only the beginning, my friend, only the beginning. Have you not seen Law & Order? Law & Order: Criminal Intent? Law & Order: SVU? Law & Order: Los Angeles? Law & Order: UK? CSI? CSI: Miami? CSI: New York? And these detectives have nothing on a tooth-fairy scorned kid heck-bent on catching your cheap butt in a lie. You can’t possibly think you’re going to get away with this. They will crack you.
aunt fanny’s toothbrush rug—Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe we should teach our children gratitude and courtesy and to respect their elders and all those other core values that seem to be so lacking in today’s generation of self-entitled, self-centered, cell phone toting, luxury car driving brat bags. But when the nutjob relatives send their wackadoo homemade Christmas gifts, don’t torture your child by making them embrace the crazy. Tell Little Susie to shove that toothbrush cozy hand knitted from Mr. Tibbles’s shed fur into the deepest, darket corner of her closet and not to pull it out until Aunt Fanny comes to visit.