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Wacky Search Term Wednesday moment

22 Apr

Speaking of brave fashion choices:

dressing up a snuggie—Oh, dude, I gotcha covered.  Right here.


Thanks to Boquinha for providing the GFY link.


Wacky search terms Wednesday—second special intervention edition

18 Mar

You can find the first special intervention edition of WSTW here.

A friend of mine recently asked the question, “What are you contributing to the world?”  To be honest, I don’t rightly know.  But whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not enough.  So I’m going to try to do more—give more—right here, right now with another WSTW special intervention edition.  Sure, there are all kinds of freaks out there looking for all kinds of freaky answers to freakish questions, but who am I to judge?  We’ve all got problems.   We are all human and we all need to be loved.  Everybody does.  So I’m here for you, freaks (and I say that with the utmost love and respect because I am, after all, one of you).  I am here for you.

afraid of phone calls and cant stop pluc(king my eyebrows)—Bless your heart.  As if suffering from EPD weren’t enough.  First off, let me reassure you, it’s going to be OK.  I used to be you.  I used to think I couldn’t stop with the plucking, but I did.  And you can, too.  Admitting you have a problem is always the first step to recovery.  Set some boundaries.  Define a no-pluck zone then no-pluck it.  Allow yourself to pluck anywhere else, but do not under any circumstances enter that zone.  That’s the danger zone.  Once you cross that line, it’s a long road back, buddy.  A long road.  You can do it.  I believe in you.  Oh, and sorry, don’t know what to tell you about that phone call thing.

i am writing this mail to you with tears—You entered the danger zone, didn’t you.  It’s OK.  The first week or two is the hardest.  This is only a minor setback.  Reestablish the boundaries and try again.

just like everybody else—We are all special in our own way.  No two snowflakes are alike.  No two people are the same.  I’m sure there is something unique and wonderful about you.  Maybe your thing just isn’t as obvious as some.  Maybe it’s a little deeper down.  Just start digging, little buddy.  You’ll find it!  Just remember, in the immortal words of Mr. Fred McFeely Rogers, you are special.

step brothers molestation potholder—First, let me just say that you are very brave to come forward.  I know this must be a very difficult and awkward situation.  The most important thing is that you protect the potholders.  Get them to a safe place.  Then you can worry about getting your step brothers some professional help.  There is healing to be found.  But remember, protect the potholders!

help my computer chirps at random times—I can see how that would be annoying, but don’t panic.  I’m sure it’s nothing serious, like say, a bomb.  No, certainly not a bomb or anything like that.

how to get concave armpits—Um, I’m kind of at a loss here trying to imagine what kind of situation you’re in, but I recommend seeking professional help.  I would advise against the self-reconstruction of  the armpits.  It just doesn’t seem wise.  Or safe.  But good luck with that.  Feeling like you have a physical, um, abnormality(?) is hard.  If you discover there’s nothing to be done about it, look on the bright side—you can use that stick of deoderant down to the nub without fear of scrapage!  What I wouldn’t give for that.  Besides my concave armpits, of course.

i need club like everybody have—I know sometimes it seems like you’re the only outsider in a world full of cliques and clubs, but you’re not.  Really.  Everyone feels this way at some point, even those of us who appear to always be part of the group.  There are plenty of people looking for companionship and a sense of belonging.  Just look around for people with similar interests and/or needs.  Perhaps at an ESL class at your local community center?

im not a snack—That’s right!  Stand up for yourself!  You go, person!

flip flops make my knees throb—I’m no expert, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say maybe it’s time to buy a more sensible pair of shoes.  Nothin’ wrong with making a few sacrifices for fashion, but when you’re talking about your health and throbbing—throbbing can never be good.

evil devil foods—Be careful here.  They’ll pretend to be your BFFs—all tasty and delicious with their chocolatey and/or cheesy and/or sour cream and oniony goodness.  Don’t be fooled by that momentary comfort you find in that foil-lined bag.  It’s lies.  All lies.  They’re just using you.  They don’t care about you at all.  I’m sure you think you can stop whenever you want.  We all do at first.  But pretty soon you’ll find yourself lying in a gutter somewhere, elbow deep in neon orange cheese dust, ready to sell your soul for a 1.5 ounce snack bag.  You’re better than that.  You deserve better than that.  Believe it!

snorting crushed wintergreen mints get y—get you high?  get you minty fresh nostril breath?  Dude, just eat them.  Sure, it sounds fun and exciting—living life on the edge—but you never know what kind of long term damage you might do.  Don’t get sucked into that lifestyle.  It’s not as glamorous as it looks.  You’ll find no fulfillment there, I promise you.  If you need a more intense mint experience, trying sucking on like three at a time.  I guarantee you that’ll get the juices flowin’.

ill be the one flaring my nostrils uncon(sciously)—But you don’t have to be that one.  You really don’t.  You can kick that mint habit.  You. Can. Do it.  Believe it!

how big are the holes in a ped egg—About the same size as one of those mini cheese grater things.  Why do you ask?

mini cheese grater—Hold up now.  Jus, Just wait.  I’m all for home remedies and saving a few dollars and all that, but I do not recommend MacGuyvering the foot care.  Seriously.  I know it looks like a mini cheese grater, but it’s not.  I’m pretty sure it’s not.  Please, just spring for the $10 professional instrument.  Trust me, you’re worth it.

can you use a towel more than once after—I don’t exactly know where you’re going with this, but just to be on the safe side, let’s say no.  No.  NO.

why always me woes me—Why always woes me?  It’s woe is me, people.  Woe is me.  As in you are so woeful you have become one with the woe.  You is the woe.  I’m sorry for your pain and whatever, but sheesh, can we just get this right?  For once?  Seriously.


Speaking of seriously, you really should check out Susan M’s higher thinking and deeper feeling post, and give it some serious thought.  Happy Wednesday, everyone.

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special Chuck Norris birthday edition

11 Mar

This edition of WSTW is dedicated to Mr. Norris in honor of his birthday, which was actually yesterday. OK, maybe I’m a day late, but around our house everyday is like Chuck Norris’ birthday, so you can see how it might have momentarily slipped my mind. (Do you think he’ll buy that? Let’s just keep these belated birthday wishes between us, just in case. Shhhh…)

how many birthdays does Chuck Norris hav(e)—I’m going to go out on a limb here and say AS MANY AS HE WANTS.  I’ve also heard: “Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it’s just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.”

cowbell chuck norris—Are these seriously available?!  I obviously purchased prematurely.  I’m thinking I may need to pimp out my cowbell.


Or maybe they mean this:


chuck lbs—First of all, Chuck does not disclose his weight.  Probably because he intimidates the crap out of scales.  But here are some other Chuck Norris health and exercise related facts:

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he goes up and the world goes down.
After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris does not lift weights, weights rise before Chuck Norris.

chuck erotica—Dude, I wouldn’t go there if I were you.  Just… No.

ideas on how to celebrate chuck norris b(irthday)—First of all, you’re going to need a kickbutt cake.  Like this one:


Or maybe this one:


(Was this cake really for a 2 year old?)

Then for gifts, might I suggest a classic CN tee:


Paired with an authentic pair of Chuck designed and approved action jeans:


In case you’re having trouble with the fine print, the description reads, “Developed by Chuck Norris for stunt fighting in movies.  These great looking western style jeans have a unique hidden gusset which allows greater movement without binding or ripping.”  A steal at $19.95—you can pick up a pair for the birthday boy (or girl) and yourself!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Norris!  Stay classy!  And actiony!chuck-norris1

And awesome!

We’re all winners, just some of us maybe a little more than others

6 Feb

OK, this was tough. Really tough. I read each entry several times and was thoroughly entertained by all. I ended up consulting with Mr. T, who was similarly entertained by all, but he helped me make my final decisions.  I must say, the overall quality of the writing was superb, which makes us all winners here—the writers and those of us who had the privilege of partaking of the bounty of their harvest of… (Sorry, I have no idea how to end this metaphor.)


2nd runner up: Flip Flop Mama

She had me at “Sorry man. I wish I could hold you safe within my womb of inflatable goodness.” And I’m fairly certain I will spend the rest of my days looking for the perfect opportunity to say, “Did you just shake your tic tacs at me, you ergonomic rag?”  Classic.


1st runner up: Foofer

Setting the scene at the family breakfast table was fantastic. Loved the point of view of the husband. And this passage was just one of many that left me in awe of her creative prowessedness (you know, that’s the second time in like a week I’ve used that non-word):

Suddenly a dish cloth grazes my head before falling a couple feet in front of my bowl of froot loops. “That’s not a very ergonomic rag,” Precocious observes.

“That’s aerodynamic,” I correct, absentmindedly. He waves his own “whatever” hand at me. And my wife says I teach the kids bad habits.


And the February 2009 Ms. Wacky Search Term Bythelbsia: Madhousewife

Believe me, it was close. You might say she won by a “long pinky nail Hispanic”.  A long pinky nail on a monkey pointing down at a sharp angle as to make its distance ahead of the other competitors even narrower. It was this line that sealed it for me:

She smiled and brought a Cheeto to her lips, pinky nail crooked like the Queen of England, that long pinky nail shining like justice.

I don’t even know what it means, but when I read it I knew I was beholding a moment of literary genius. And Mad, you really should thank Flip Flop Mama, as it was her comment made on this post that provided the “long pinky nail hispanic” search term in the first place.


And finally, last but not least, special recognition goes to Cheryl for her Gloria/stud-muffin love saga.  Mr. T read this one first and laughed out loud on more than one occasion, as did I.  We had to deduct just a couple of points for not using all of the WST (since the others did), which gave her competitors an edge.  But 3rd runner up did not seem sufficient recognition for her efforts, so I’m awarding her the Miss Congeniality title of this first ever Bythelbsia WST Writer’s Contest because I found her story of the utmost pleasantness and agreeableness. 

I have a couple of iTunes gift cards and some other music related prizes that I’ll be sending to all of our winners because reading their stories was music to my ears.  Or eyes.  Or something.

Thanks for playing everyone.  It was the highlight of my week!  Well, next to the whole having the last of my children potty-trained with ridiculous ease and saying “See ya, suckahs!” to the diapers.  Woo-hoo!  Best.  Week.  Ever.

And here’s a little something just for you:


Have a fantastic weekend!

Wacky Search Terms Contest

4 Feb

I have three fabulous entries so far (thank you Cheryl, Jamie and Foofer!), but I’m still going to extend the contest until Friday because more than one person said they might have done it had they had the time.  (Yes, I know very well that this is something that people say when they don’t actually want to do something but also don’t want to hurt your feelings by not entering your lamewad contest,  but I’m calling your bluff, people!)  Plus Madhousewife hasn’t entered yet, and being a blood relation she gets special privileges.  And yes, Mad, this means that you can’t get out of doing it.  So there!  😛

I will be back later today to post the prize in case that provides any more incentive for all you people with real lives slackers out there.

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special intervention edition

14 Jan

You know, I put up these search terms for all the world to see and chuckle at, but frankly, I’m a little concerned about some of these people.  And I have some guilt because they’re reaching out for help, and more often than not instead of extending my hand to meet theirs, I extend my finger of scorn and make a mockery of their pain.  So today, it’s not about me or my amusement, it’s about all those desperate googlers out there and answering their cries for help.

can’t you people see i need some help—Yes, we can.  We finally can.  And we’re here for you.

picters of middle west—I’ve also gotten fruit picter and last month’s unicorn picter.  It’s picture, people, pic-ture.  P-I-C-T-URE.  I’m just trying to spare you any future embarrassment.  Friends don’t let friends make ridiculous spelling errors.

does anyone like stale cheetos—Yes.  You are not alone.  Her name is Susan M and she’s really cool.  So don’t worry, even really cool and normal people can have slightly alarming snack food preferences.  You can carry on with life as usual.  Go on.  It’s OK.

impaled on a stick—Dude, I wouldn’t recommend searching the internets for a remedy.  This certainly sounds like a situation best left to professionals.  I know there might be some embarrassment, but believe me, they’ve pretty much seen everything.  They are there to help.  Just make the call.  Help them, help you.

trouble with imposter tableware—No problem is too small today, my friends.  I know it’s easy to be drawn in by the savings of brand name knock-offs, but sometimes the old addage is true:  You get what you pay for.  But it’s important to not let pride prevent you from moving on.  Don’t put up with substandard tableware anymore.  You deserve better.  We all make poor purchases every now and again.  It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  Just make a clean sweep.  Get rid of the imposter stuff and treat yourself to some real trouble-free tableware.  It might cost you a little extra, but you’re worth it, right?  You are, you really are.  Believe it.

i am right and the universe is wrong—I also got universe prove you’re here.  I don’t recommend getting in the universe’s face like that.  Don’t call out the universe, man.  You can’t take it on by yourself.  Trust me.  You can’t win, and you really don’t want to risk pissing it off enough to feel the need to make an example of you.  Nothing worse than an angry universe.  And really, you’re putting us all at risk, so please—shhhhhhh.

i can not live unless judith’s with me—Yes, you can.  You can.  Look, I don’t know what you had with this Judith.  Maybe she was your soulmate or maybe just some girl.  Either way, it doesn’t matter.  If she truly loved you too, she would want you to go on without her.  And if she didn’t, well, then she’s not worth it.  You’re probably not in a place where you can hear that right now, but you’ll get there.  Yes, you will.

johnny gage sick flu—Johnny?!  I’m here, I’m here!  How can I help?

im a guy i trimmed the bottom of my eyeb—You know, I try and I try and yet there are still people out there who haven’t gotten the message.  First, it’s OK.  Whatever you’ve done to them, they’ll eventually grow back.  And two, if you can’t learn to practice some restraint in the fine art of eyebrow groomage, then perhaps you should just leave it to the professionals.  Also, I’d like to say that I appreciate a guy who understands the need for some occasional eyebrow landscaping and maintenance.  Good for you.  Don’t let this one bad experience keep you from taking care of your facial hair in the future.  All of your facial hair.  That includes the nose, too, buddy.  Oh yeah.  Check it out—you’ll thank me later.

gender morphing spell—Wait, just, just wait a minute.  You don’t want to go messing with the dark arts, man.  It never ends well.  Have we learned nothing from he who must not be named?  Hmmm?  Just stick with what you’ve already got goin’ on down in there.  Trust me.  And be sure to leave those eyebrows alone too, will ya?

hoped up on meds how to come down?—First off, while meds are an essential part of treatment for a number of physical, mental and emotional maladies, you should not place all of your hope in them.  You almost always need some kind of other therapy or counseling in combination with the meds for maximum healing potential.  Don’t try to do it alone.  There are people out there somewhere, I’m sure, who really care and want to help.   And keep hoping.  Hope floats.  You don’t ever want to come down from the hope.  Float on.

im looking for chuck norris—Woah, Nelly.  Woah, Nelly.  You don’t look for Chuck.  Chuck finds you.  And heaven help you when he does.

Wacky Search Term Wednesday—special holiday edition

17 Dec

This post title may be a tad misleading, as there is nothing especially holidayish about this WSTW other than the fact that it will have been written during the holiday season.  I’m just trying to get in the spirit of the season.  Plus doesn’t “special holiday edition” sound more intriguing and/or festive than “nuthin special edition”?

is a unibrow park of puberty—Originally I thought this was a typo.  Surely “park” was meant to be “part”.  Except seeing how the “k” is, in fact, nowhere near the “t” on the keyboard, I can only assume that some poor adolescent googler did indeed mean “park”.  And that being the case, methinks some poor adolescent googler’s parents might be taking the whole “birds and bees, flowers and trees” analogy a wee bit far.  But who am I to tell anyone how to raise their child?  This is a very sensitive issue for most, so I’ll play along to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes or popping anyone’s protective bubble of euphemismia.  Yes, young one, I believe in the park of puberty grass begins to grow in places where grass has not heretofore grown, including the area betwixt the eyebrows, or rather, the area that should be betwixt the eyebrows, which is to say that there should be a betwixt, which would require two of something for there to be something else in between.  So if there is no longer any betwixting in the eyebrowal region, then I might suggest mowing the lawn, so to speak, as I’m afraid that there is but one who can pull off the unibrow, and that one, of course, would be Bert.  Just be careful as you’re manicuring your lawn that you don’t go overboard.  Gentle landscaping, young one.  Gentle landscaping.

impressive sock monkey—Is there any other kind?

sock monkey cool’—Word.

hot sock monkey—Oh, come now.  Don’t go trying to pervify innocence in its purest form.

monkey out of crack—Are you trying to make a monkey out of crack?  Or is your monkey stuck in a crack and you need advice on how to extract him?  What kind of crack?  Sidewalk?  Cocaine?  Bum?  We can’t proceed without further details.

doctor sock monkey—Are you looking for a doctor for your sock monkey or a sock monkey who practices medicine?  Again, details people, details.  Kind of important.  Or perhaps this is a pet name for someone?  I’m hearing Barry White, “You can call me Dr. Sock Monkey, baby.  Yeah.”   

unicorn picter—Hmmm.  No unicorn “picters” here, but if unicorns are really your thing, may I direct you here?  (Thanks for the link, Mad.  Pure awesome.)

“pond scene” austen—You mean this pond scene?  In that case, it should really be “pond scene” awesome.  (Also, you have to check this out:)


grils pees—Grills peas?  Girls pees?  Girls please?  I’m stumped.

sorry poems i called you someone else’s—Pulling a Ross there?  I’m not certain a poem is going to make up for calling your significant other the wrong name.  It might depend on the context.  Were you asking for her to please pass the grilled peas or were you in a more romantical situation, if you know what I mean?  Or wait, are you apologizing to the poems?

“cause I’m a winner no not a loser”—Self-affirmation can be a very helpful tool in the quest for a healthy self image.  Try saying it in front of a mirror.  You will never find your true sense of self worth on the internets, my friend.  It must come from within.  And you are a winner, no not a loser.  Unless you’re that joker who called his girlfriend by the wrong name.  Pretty weenie.

ginger + burning sensation— = a sorry excuse for a snap.

help me oh load to live and see the offs—I think I know where you’re coming from.  When my washing machine was on the fritz I oft found myself saying “help me oh load” or “Load, have mercy!”  If you need any washer repair tips, come on back.  I’m pretty much an expert.

my womb card—Is this some kind of license?  Not a bad idea, actually—a license to reproduce.  Or maybe it’s some kind of fetus networking tool?  If a womb card is drawn out of the jar, can the fetus collect on the free IHOP meal postpartum or in utero?  Mmmm…rutti tutti fresh and fruity.

later suckahs—Right back atchya.  Actually, I’m thinking of closing up shop for a little while so I can spend more time with my children and focus on my fami… *snort*  Sorry, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to pull that one off with a straight face.  But really, it’s that hustly bustly time of year so I may not be around a whole lot the next couple weeks.  I’m sure I’ll be stopping by to bring you good tidings of great Christmas and New Year’s joy.  Until then, later suckahs!