I’m off! See you in three weeks! Happy Independence Day!
P.S. Try not to have too much fun without me!
DynaGirl woke up the other morning with new baby names to record in her journal. Goose thought that sounded like fun, too, so they sat down at the breakfast table with their journals and started talking about the future.
Goose: I wanna have a baby at 20.
Me: Why 20? That’s so young.
DynaGirl: I wanna have a baby at 25 because I have an almost impossible dream, and that would give me five years to live it. I want to have a #1 hit single, be a famous artist, and have my own cafe called DynaGirl’s Cafe.
Goose: I want a cafe.
DynaGirl: You can’t steal my dreams! You can have a diner.
Goose: No, that’s disgusting.
So apparently, life begins at 20 and ends when you start having children. And you only have five years to try to accomplish all of your dreams. After that you may as well give up and become a mom. Also, cafes are awesome and diners are disgusting.
New baby names:
Fuschia – for a girl, of course
Parsley – for a boy, of course
Do you know what I LOVE about the end of the year? Elementary school yearbooks. There is seriously NO better use for my $17 x 2.
For some insane reason, seven years ago I felt the need to purchase my eldest child a yearbook. He was in first grade. You can’t possibly leave first grade without a yearbook, right? It seemed silly not to buy one the next year too. I mean, it would be like collecting only one saucer in a place setting, right? Totally pointless. And incomplete. We all know how I am about incompleteness. So I set a precedent for this child and all the Bythelbs children that were yet to come.
A couple of months ago my girls brought home a “last chance to order your yearbooks” notice. I had never seen a “first chance” notice, but thought I’d better get my sweet fanny down to that school and order those yearbooks before it was too late. I asked the lady in the office for some order forms. She said they didn’t have any, but I could just write the check and include a note that said it was for a yearbook. No official forms, huh? Just include a note, eh? The whole thing sounded sketchy and more than a little unadvisable, but what was I to do? It was my last chance! So I wrote out the checks (one for each child) for $17. (When on earth did elementary yearbooks start costing $17? They were always $8-10 at the other school. You’d think the ridiculous price would be enough for me to refuse to purchase on principle, but we’ve already started the set, see, so there’s just no going back now.) I was sure to make a note in the memo on the check with my child’s name and that it was for a “yearbook”, and then I wrote another note on a full size sheet of paper with my child’s name, teacher, grade and FOR YEARBOOK. I stapled the checks to the notes and then hand delivered them to the office. (This is what you call foreshadowing.)
Well, last Friday Goose comes home from school and wants to know why she didn’t get a yearbook. They’d handed them out in class that day and she didn’t get one. Of course she didn’t. So I looked at our checking account online to make sure that the checks had cleared, which they had, and printed out copies of the canceled checks to present to the school office on Monday. I went into the office and told the lady (the same “just put a note with your check” lady) that my daughter did not receive her yearbook. “Did you check with her teacher?” she asked with more than a little hint of the “You’re kind of an idiot, aren’t you?” tone. I told her that no, I hadn’t. She told me to check with her teacher. So I traipsed down to the end of the school with BigHugs in tow and checked with the teacher. She consulted her list and surprise, surprise, Goose wasn’t on it. I went back to the office and explained that my daughter wasn’t on the list. The lady consulted her own list, which coincidentally looked IDENTICAL to the one the teacher had. (I might also add that the lady picked up the list from the counter right in front of her.) Sure enough, Goose was missing from that list too.
“And you paid?” she asked. I told her I had paid and had copies of the canceled checks with me. She waved me off and said she didn’t need to see those and proceeded to hand me two yearbooks. She was perfectly happy to take my word for it. Coolio. And then she added Goose’s and DynaGirl’s names to the list with the special notation “says she paid”. Um, excuse me. I didn’t “say” anything. I didn’t “pay”. I paid. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. I just kept thinking that now I would be That Woman. That Woman who “pays” for things. Next year I’ll walk into a room of PTA moms, introduce myself and then watch as they exchange knowing glances and under-the-breath, behind-the-hand mutterings. “Says she paid.” My reputation will forever be suspect.
And for what? The yearbooks suck. Worse than usual and at twice the price. I am such a chump.
Some signs of the end of the school year:
- Your kids are going to bed at 10 pm. (It’s not even dark until 9:55 pm!)
- You’re getting kids out of bed 30 minutes before it’s time to leave for school.
- Your son is eating dry cup o’ noodles for lunch. (We were out of lunch stuff, so I sent cup o’ noodles with Mr. T. Apparently, they are no longer offering hot water in the middle school cafeteria, so Mr. T peeled back the styrofoam cup and gnawed on the dry noodles. Um, ew.)
- The hot lunch options are Cook’s Choice and tuna fish sandwich.
- Your daughter comes home complaining that the special fun project time her teacher promised the class if they would finish their work quickly and quietly was sorting the classroom books.
- Your children go from students to day laborers.
- Your kids start coming home with grocery sacks (multiple sacks) full of junk school work and projects. (Goose came home with a 3′x4′ poster of a diagram of a leaf cutter ant nursery, including 3D renderings of the eggs, larvae and fungus sections made with macaroni, pompoms and other assorted crap. She won it in a class raffle. Yay. She wants to hang it in our house. Double yay.)
School is out Tuesday. I predict boredom and the accompanying whining and fighting sets in sometime mid-Thursday. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. At least I’ll be able to say, “See ya, suckahs!” on Saturday when I hop the plane for Hawaii.
Are y’all ready for this? Any big summer plans?
So last night I watched Made of Honor. Have any of you seen this movie? It’s one of the stupidest movies I’ve seen in a long time. Of course, I did manage to watch the whole thing. But what bugged me most about it was that Tom, the Patrick Dempsey character, who plays the romantic lead and who you are supposed to be rooting for to get the girl, is really just a big fat jerk. He’s like a total man ho who doesn’t realize his dream girl is his best friend until she’s ready to marry someone else. And even then, he doesn’t really want to marry her himself, he just wants to keep her from marrying the other guy so he can still have her to hang out with. I understand that stories need flawed characters to make them more real and relatable and all that junk, but it really bugs when movies expect you to root for the jerks (spoiler alert!) and then be happy when they get their way. So lame. And I don’t know what they did to try to make Patrick Dempsey look younger in the college flashback, but it was really creeping me out. And don’t even get me started on the sophomoric humor. Plus Kevin McKidd didn’t get nearly enough screen time, and when he was there he was kind of a dork. Kevin McKidd is no dork. This movie was just wrong on so many levels.
And now I don’t have anything else to say. I guess all I really wanted to do was vent some frustration over the stupidity of this movie. And you know it’s bad when I’m complaining because when it comes to entertainment, I don’t have particularly high standards or expectations. Have you seen any good movies lately? Or stupid ones the rest of us should avoid? Can you spare us some of the “That was two hours of my life I’ll never get back!”s?
Dear Mr. T’s Social Studies Teacher,
I would just like to thank you for giving Mr. T the opportunity of repeating a homework assignment you somehow misplaced. It was totally cool of you to give him a chance to make up that assignment he had already completed. Unfortunately, Mr. T was so busy working on the major project you assigned for the last week of school, that he didn’t have time to do that other assignment. AGAIN. So I did it. So there. Pppbbbtt.
Sincerely,
Bythelbs (aka Big Fat Cheater Pants Mom)
Dear Yellow YMCA Shirt Lady,
No offense, but what kind of inconsiderate idiot chooses the elementary school drop-off lane to put sunscreen on her child and then spends the next several moments rubbing the excess sunscreen all over herself before getting back in her car and finally, mercifully driving away? It’s the fracking drop-off lane! Watch the hail!*
Sincerely,
Bythelbs (aka Big Fat Raging Pants Mom)
Dear BigHugs,
OK, I get that you find the image of me in my underwear disgustin’. You really don’t need to say so every time you see me in such a state of undress. I get it. Disgustin’. Totawee disgustin’. Message received. And noted.
Sincerely,
Mom (aka Big Fat Under Pants Mom)
Dear Gerard Butler,
I had the pleasure of watching your film P.S. I Love You last night, in which you were magically delicious. Thank you. For being delicious. Magically. So magically.
Sincerely,
Bythelbs (aka Not-so-very-Big-or-Fat Smokin’ Hot Mom…with pants. Hot pants. Well, not literally hot pants. Never mind.)
*Told you, Tawnya.
So awhile back I posted one of those lame “How well do you know me?” Facebook quizzes. One of the questions was:
My biggest fears in order from greatest to least are ____________.
a) spiders, public restrooms, dirty dishes.
b) public restrooms, dirty dishes, spiders.
c) dirty dishes, spiders, public restrooms.
Most people got this question wrong.
This morning as I was folding laundry on the couch, I picked up a towel—a big, white, fluffy, beautiful towel—only to find that a spider—a big, black, creepy, ugly spider—was lurking within its folds. I dropped the towel like it had a spider on it (because it did!) and screamed. But I dropped the towel on the couch. No way was I going to live with the idea that a big, black, creepy, ugly eight-legged beastie was inhabiting the inner recesses of my loveseat, so I picked up a corner of the towel and flung it on the ground away from the couch. I thought maybe it would crawl out of the towel so I (actually, I was hoping I could talk Mr. T into doing the dirty work) could properly attack it with the business end of my husband’s hiking boot, but it didn’t. The towel was silent. Eerily silent. And still. Eerily still.
The towel and spider were now in the middle of my floor, trapping Mr. T in the kitchen and preventing me from carrying out the rest of my morning motherly duties of lunch making and laundry folding and floor sweeping and all that other crap. I bravely walked up to the towel and lifted up one corner.
Me, to Mr. T: Is it there?
Mr. T: I don’t see it.
Me, trying to flip around another corner of the towel: Do you see it?
Mr. T: No.
Me: Did you see it when I flung it onto the floor. It’s in the towel, right? It’s not still on the couch, right?! Please don’t let it still be on the couch!
I thought about just smashing the crap out of that towel in such a way as to ensure that nothing could have survived, but it was one of my good white bath towels. I haven’t had them very long and they were kind of pricey. I went into the kitchen and started digging around in the drawers.
Mr. T: What are you looking for?
Me: The tongs. The good ones.
I couldn’t find the good ones. I could only find the flimsy ones that were a good 1 1/2 inches shorter than the good ones, but I was desperate. I went over to the vicinity of the towel and leaned over as far as my arm would stretch and tried to pick up the towel with the tongs. I couldn’t. They weren’t strong enough to hold 30×56″ of fine loop Egyptian cotton goodness. Darn those flimsy tongs!
Mr. T, searching the kitchen in earnest: Where are those good tongs?!
He couldn’t find them, but worked up the courage to spread the towel out the rest of the way. There was nothing there. There was nothing there! Do you know what’s worse than having a spider on one of your best bath towels? Having a spider on one of your best bath towels and then not having a spider on one of your best bath towels with no earthly idea of what happened to the damn thing in between those two states of being! It could be anywhere!
Mr. T: You probably flung it off the towel when you threw it off the couch.
Me: But where? Where would I have flung it to?
We looked around and then Mr. T spotted it on the dining room wall, a good twelve feet away.
Mr. T: That thing’s huge!
I searched for a weapon. Mr. T brought out the big, rubber mallet from the kitchen.
Me: We can’t use that, we’ll put a hole in the wall.
The spider dropped to the floor, so I knew I had to act fast—any further delay and I’d risk losing him in my house. In my house! I finally settled on some rolled up newspapers, covered my eyes with one hand and brought down my other with the full force of all my fear and fury. I got him.
Me, handing Mr. T a stack of napkins: Could you get rid of him please?
Mr. T: With napkins?!
Me: Well, what do you want to use?
Mr. T: Something stiffer?
We debated for a few minutes until finally I took matters into my own hands—well, not my hands (shudder, shudder, shudder!)—and scooped it up with the cardboard wrapping from the last of the pineapple snack cups. I carried it across the dining room and tossed it out the back slider door, all the while hoping that spiders didn’t play possum and chanting, “Please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up.”
Needless to say, it was a most traumatic and distressing way to start my day. It’s like when you narrowly miss getting in a car accident and your heart is palpitating for several minutes following the near death experience.
So here is my rationale behind the biggest fears:
I’d rather do dishes than take care of any kind of business in a public restroom. And I’d certainly much rather take care of all kinds of business in a public restroom than have to deal with a spider.
I’m not sure how long it will be before I can use that towel again, let alone hang it up in my bathroom. Or put it in the linen closet. Or fold it. Or pick it up off the floor.
You know those questions where they ask “What six people, living or dead, would you invite to a dinner party?” and you’re supposed to pick people who you imagine would provide the most interesting and stimulating dinner conversation? People who would touch you and inspire you with their greatness and profundity? Well, before you laminate your list, here’s just a sampling of what you would get should you choose to include Madhousewife and me in your ultimate dream dinner party.
Facebook IM
10:12pmBythelbs
you around?
10:12pmMadhousewife
si
10:12pmBythelbs
OK, just checking
jk, except that I really don’t have anything to say other than howdy or something.
10:13pmMadhousewife
howdy!
10:13pmBythelbs
Or something!
lame
10:14pmMadhousewife
Today was a blur, dude.
10:14pmBythelbs
busy?
10:14pmMadhousewife
Eh, sort of.
But not really.
I’m sitting here wondering what all happened.
I think it was just a highly stressful day.
Kids being super-crazy.
10:15pmBythelbs
Nothing particularly bad or catastrophic, though?
10:15pmMadhousewife
no
10:15pmBythelbs
that’s something
10:15pmMadhousewife
Just lots of screaming over nothing
10:15pmBythelbs
There has been quite a bit of crying at my house.
Annoying.
And my kids expect me to comfort them instead of being annoyed which I just find more annoying.
10:16pmMadhousewife
indeed
who do they think they are?
10:16pmBythelbs
who do they think I am?
10:16pmMadhousewife
ha ha
Lately Girlfriend has been having a nervous breakdown every night before she goes to bed.
She’s sleeping well, but dude.
10:16pmBythelbs
Ooooh, not good.
10:16pmMadhousewife
SO. INSANE.
10:17pmBythelbs
But these are the days that you’ll look back on and long for when your kids are grown. SNOOOOORRRRT!!!
10:17pmMadhousewife
heh
10:18pmBythelbs
Chuck’s out of town so I’ve been staying up too late.
10:18pmMadhousewife
Someone brought us over cinnamon rolls on Sunday, and I’m doing my best to eat them all before they go bad.
10:18pmBythelbs
Good for you.
10:18pmMadhousewife
How long is Chuck gone for?
The sacrifices I make!
10:18pmBythelbs
You would be very ungrateful if you didn’t.
He’ll be back on the 17th
He left Sunday.
10:19pmMadhousewife
bah
Well, I’m glad he’s coming back, but that’s like two weeks, eh?
late. can’t count.
yada, yada, yada
10:20pmMadhousewife
I kind of look forward to SD being out of town so I can watch chick flicks on the tv.
10:21pmBythelbs
Exactly.
10:21pmMadhousewife
And play on facebook as much as I want.
jk
I already do that.
10:21pmBythelbs
That’s what I was going to say, though, I don’t FB nearly as much as I used to.
10:22pmMadhousewife
Neither do I, which should tell you something about the extent of my problem.
Former problem.
10:22pmBythelbs
haha
or LOL
whichever looks less lam.e I think it’s sixes.
I have some awesome search terms, but I’m not sure I’m up for doing them justice in a post yet.
10:23pmMadhousewife
me either
I was having really lame ones for several weeks.
I thought I was losing my psycho-magnet touch.
10:24pmBythelbs
never
10:24pmMadhousewife
Now I have a plethora of craziness.
10:25pmBythelbs
One of my favorites is ‘chuck norris fail cake’—it’s not even the wackiest. It just made me laugh
10:25pmMadhousewife
I’m laughing
10:25pmBythelbs
Though ‘chuck norris cake fail’ would have been funnier.
10:25pmMadhousewife
True.
You should write your own search terms.
10:25pmBythelbs
I also have ’sexy Chuck Norris’ and ‘Chuck Norris kicking hard’
10:26pmMadhousewife
That should be the post gimmick
10:26pmBythelbs
Good idea!
10:26pmMadhousewife
“how these search terms could be even awesomer”
10:26pmBythelbs
You should totally do it.
Then I can copy you.
10:27pmBythelbs
Oh, I also got “chuck norris wedding cakes” and “scrabble chuck norris”
10:27pmMadhousewife
scrabble chuck norris!
That game kicks @$$!
jk
well, it probably would
10:28pmBythelbs
Every square would be a TL
10:30pmMadhousewife
At the top of my WST list is “what is that creepy mormon humming music”
what does that even mean?
10:30pmBythelbs
heh heh
10:31pmMadhousewife
It’s like some Mormon was passing by, humming, and the person was just making small talk with the computer.
Google.
Only how did they know it was a Mormon?
10:31pmBythelbs
Yes, people google like they’re asking a real person a question.
That’s what’s funny, plus the bizarre subject matter of course
10:33pmMadhousewife
Then there are the searches where I can’t figure out what they could possibly have been expecting to find…
like, “i don’t know. so much has happened.”
???
10:33pmBythelbs
lol
“can you help i’ve got this strange sexual”
10:33pmMadhousewife
“Tell me, computer. What will happen now?”
10:33pmBythelbs
Who are they asking?
10:34pmMadhousewife
indeed
It’s like Scotty on Star Trek: “Computer?”
10:34pmBythelbs
exactly
which would be awesome, of course
10:34pmMadhousewife
yes
Only if computers had those kinds of brains, they would just take over the world, HAL-like.
10:35pmBythelbs
or skynet
judgment day!
10:35pmMadhousewife
If only computers would be smart, but still know their place.
yada, yada, yada
10:38pmMadhousewife
What was funny about Left Behind is that there’s all this chaos and evil in the world, but nobody ever swears.
You’d think someone would swear, dammit!
10:39pmBythelbs
Well, that’s just unrealistic.
I could hardly believe Foofer used “fart” and “hell” in her last e-mail.
I don’t even say the “f” word for crying out loud.
10:39pmMadhousewife
I know.
Talk about the end times!
me either.
10:40pmBythelbs
Though I do feel like an idiot saying “toot” outside of my immediate family circle.
10:40pmMadhousewife
lol
Lots of people say toot
Not me, but, you know, people.
jk
10:40pmBythelbs
I’ve never heard a substitute I really liked.
Maybe it’s just the subject matter.
10:41pmMadhousewife
exactly what I was going to say
I don’t know if you remember me blogging about Thunderpants.
10:41pmBythelbs
Yes.
Didn’t SD threaten to bring it last time you guys came?
10:41pmMadhousewife
But there’s a special feature on the DVD where Rupert Grint and I don’t know, the director or whoever, talk about all the euphemisms they know for flatulence.
Yes, this is my life.
10:42pmBythelbs
Talk about bonus features!
10:42pmMadhousewife
indeed
Actually, the best bonus feature is the music video.
10:42pmBythelbs
I can only imagine.
10:43pmMadhousewife
It’s the song they play over the closing credits
and it wasn’t actually written for the movie, but they just used it
But they made a music video for it which just spliced the original video by the group, which was some Spice Girls-type one-hit wonder group
10:44pmBythelbs
sounds promising
10:44pmMadhousewife
two or three girls and two guys
10:44pmBythelbs
Was Jack Black in it?
10:44pmMadhousewife
no
10:45pmBythelbs
everything’s funnier with Jack Black
10:45pmMadhousewife
Anyway, they’re doing their normal video thing
dancing around with choreographed moves and whatnot
10:45pmBythelbs
unless, of course, he’s making out with Cloris Leachman and then it’s just disgusting. Yes, I’m listening.
10:45pmMadhousewife
and it’s spliced with footage from the movie
Ew, I saw that
haha
10:46pmBythelbs
continue
10:46pmMadhousewife
Anyway, it was almost worth the price of the DVD just for that video
10:46pmBythelbs
So it wasn’t a total waste.
10:46pmMadhousewife
The looks on the band members’ faces juxtaposed with scenes of a kid flatulating himself through space
= priceless
I wish it was on YouTube
10:47pmBythelbs
I was just going to say sounds priceless
How is it not on youtube?
10:47pmMadhouswife
I don’t know!
It almost feels like my duty to put it on there myself
If only I knew how
10:48pmBythelbs
I sometimes wish I knew how to do that. Maybe (our niece) could teach me. She has all kinds of stuff on youtube.
10:48pmMadhousewife
yes, tell her it’s for a humanitarian cause
Laughter= best medicine
10:48pmBythelbs
so true.
yada, yada, yada
10:52pmBythelbs
nice (say like Kevin)
My eyelids are lowered too
10:52pmMadhousewife
I totally pictured that
yada, yada, yada
10:55pmMadhousewife
indeed
IHOP chicks are skanky
just kidding
10:55pmBythelbs
Rutti Tutti
10:55pmMadhousewife
lol
10:55pmBythelbs
FRESH and fruitti
10:55pmMadhousewife
LOL
10:56pmBythelbs
You know, if we didn’t have so much personal info in these conversations, we could totally just publish them as a blogpost.
10:56pmMadhousewife
I was thinking that same thing
10:56pmBythelbs
mind jinks!
10:57pmMadhousewife
just black out the incriminating parts
yada, yada, yada
10:59pmBythelbs
true
I think BigHugs’s finally asleep (she’s in my lap). I think I’ll sneak off to bed or maybe to the TV.
11:00pmMadhousewife
good plan
11:00pmBythelbs
Thanks for chattin’.
11:00pmMadhousewife
Nice chatting with you!
Good night!
11:00pmBythelbs
NIght!
So who would you include in your ultimate dream dinner party? You may have six guests. And just to avoid any awkwardness, we’ll assume Madhousewife and I have already been invited and you still have room for six more.
Chuck handed me a section of the newspaper the other day and said, “I saved this for you.”
Headline: 2009’s swimsuits accept your imperfections.
Article highlights:
“…moderate shaping to power control…”
“…stomach, rear, and side love-handles…”
“…skin oozes out elsewhere…”
“…popping out…”
“…don’t kid yourself that you can hide it…”
Hrrrmmmm.
Getting ready.
BigHugs: You have a hole in your undies.
Me: I do?
BigHugs: Yeah. I know, Mom! Next time we go to the store we can see if there are other big undies there that are your size. Is that a great idea?
Me: Big undies? Is that what I need?
BigHugs, smiling: Uh-huh.
Harumph!
Bonus thinking person caption.
Thinking person #6
Stop staring at me.
Happy Birthday, Susan!
You know, every time I set out to do a WSTW post I’ve got to ask myself one question, “Do I feel funny? Well, do ya, punk?” And lately, the answer has always been no, hence the WSTW special match’em up game edition for which Julie totally called me out. Yeah, I tried to put the focus on you under the guise of a party game so as to draw attention away from the fact that I believe I may have, in fact, lost my WST mojo. But when you fall off that blogging gimmick, you’ve just got to get back on it and try again, face your fears, blah, blah, blah. Plus, really, this isn’t about me, it’s about the freaks. We’d all do well to keep that in mind.
dress unassertive party—First, let me say there’s nothing worse than a vague party invitation. What does this mean? Is this the new casual? So jeans and t-shirts? Are we talking sweats here? Or is it more of a formal affair? Maybe an ugly cocktail dress that makes you feel all frumpy and nonexistant-like? Party planners take note: a good host does everything possible to make their guests feel welcome and at ease, including providing clear instructions for how guests are expected to dress. Sheesh.
bday cake 2 years old—Dude, don’t eat that. I don’t care how good it is. Or was. I don’t care if it was iced with (or by) frickin’ Chuck Norris. Just throw it out.
imagen de guacamole—Oh, I’m imagening, baby. I’m imagening my butt off. Well, more like my butt on. Dang guacamole and it’s fat/calorie-laden goodness! But oh, hohoho…
pulling a jeans—You know how when one of your friends does something lame or stupid and you kind of all dub that act as “pulling a (insert friend’s name here)”? I’m trying to imagine what these poor jeans could have done to warrant such razzing. And also who else you would apply the expression to. “Oh (insert eye roll here), there’s shorts pulling a jeans again.” Are the shorts then offended?
none taken meaning—I think it’s something like, “#$!*% you!”
scummed pencil—Are you looking for one or trying to find a way to descum yours? Pencils are cheap, man. Just chuck it. No pencil could be worth the trouble.
paper towels+vince offer—I have no idea where this is going, but I’m intrigued. Heaven knows I love me some paper towels. Is Vince going to make me an offer I can’t refuse?
what if you knew you were going to die?—Are you threatening me, Vince? Let this be a lesson to you all. Think twice before accepting any offers from a guy named Vince, no matter how tempting, no matter what the stakes. Yes, even when there’s paper towels on the line.
cheetos in burning car—Get them out, man! For the love of Chester, get them out! Wait, are we talkin’ crunchy or puffs? (*bonus feature alternative commentary: Please, Vince, not the cheetos! They’re innocent! They haven’t done anything wrong! They haven’t hurt anyone! It’s me you want! I’ll do whatever you want, just please leave the cheetos alone!)
necessities of life—Save the cheetos!
stalkery update and feelings—I so wish I could think of something funny to say right now.
to have a pancake on one’s head—How does it feel, Susan?
diaper taking out the trash—Now this I’d like to see.
fall out with your husband stick flip fl—(ops in toilet). Now that’s a little childish, isn’t it? Next time, in the heat of the moment, just stop and take a few minutes to think about it before you do anything rash. I think then you’ll realize the flip flop thing would be a mistake. Go for the toothbrush.
chuck norris before and after—When you’re talking about a run in with Mr. Norris, it’s probably best not to think about the after. As for the before, well, maybe it’s best to just avoid that little sitch-ee-a-shun altogether.
fat kids eating tic tacs—Yeah, I know it says the 1 1/2 calorie breath mint, but let’s not kid ourselves here. I don’t care what you’ve heard, what someone’s been trying to sell you, Tic Tacs are not the quick fix miracle diet food. That burning sensation is not doing anything to melt away the pounds, it’s just making your breath cool and minty fresh. Heaven knows there’s nothing wrong with that, but you’ll never get anywhere until you accept the fact that it’s not about dieting, it’s about lifestyle changes.
what happened to spearmint tic tacs?—Don’t look at me. Ask the fat kids.
yooyh fairy—”Dude, what happened to all your teeth?” “Yooyh fairy.” “Dude.”
sex wivals—No offense, but I’m really not comfortable hearing someone with your kind of speech impediment talking about S-E-X. It just kind of weirds me out. So just keep it to yourself, OK?
caption ideas for thinking person—OK, so I am going to put some of this on you. Here’s a few pictures of some “thinking persons”. Gimme your captions.
Thinking person #1
Thinking person #2
Thinking person #3
Thinking person #4
Thinking person #5
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